Tin Man, Tin Man

The Long Haul

2012-01-16T23:20:00.006-06:00

Our pastor asked us in the congregation to submit a paragraph or a page on the theme of transformational communities--I suppose testimonies of how we’ve experienced transformation in our lives individually and corporately. I have no idea if this is the kind of thing he was looking for, but this is what I wrote.

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I’ve been a part of the community called City Church of East Nashville for just over five years now. From my medium-term perspective, I feel like I’ve seen as many things not change as change.

I’ve seen my own heart, calcified with bitterness and anger, be softened overnight--some miracle of God’s mercy that I certainly didn’t instigate.

I’ve seen a covenant community share life with a family in poverty, to some degree of mutuality, and the difference that can make in one girl’s life as she grows up in the church.

I’ve seen people (myself included, I hope) grow in knowing their sin and their Savior all the more. Grow in prayer and repentance as a community. Grow in love and service and interdependence. Grow as a Gospel community.

I’ve also seen the dividing boundaries of us and them persist.

And I’ve seen the racial diversity of the church more or less stay the same as when I first came, attracted as I was by the mission statement that I saw online about “reconciling the diversity of East Nashville.”

Marriages and divorces. Births and deaths. People coming in and moving on. Pretty much everything in Ecclesiastes 3.

I think we do well as a community in weeping with one another as well as rejoicing with one another. In pointing each other to look to Jesus in order to glorify the Savior together.

And while so many things look the same as they did five years ago, I don’t lament that terribly right now. So much heart change isn’t necessarily evident at first glance. Seeds planted that may not show yet. Some sow, others reap, and we enter into each other’s labors.

Sara Groves has a song called “The Long Defeat”:

I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

I can't just fight when I think I'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

and I pray for a vision
and a way I cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I guess that’s part of what I feel about being in it for the long haul. Praying and laboring the unseen kingdom into the here and now of our daily lives.

In the meantime, in the waiting and in the working, as I wrestle with all the false gods and idols that maybe, just maybe, might fix my life this time (not true, thank God), I find myself in a community that reminds me that Jesus is real. He is my portion. He is the Lover that I long for. To Him be all glory, in this place and all places, forever and ever.

On Twilight

2011-12-26T16:55:00.002-06:00

A few months ago I resolved to read the first Twilight book, to see for myself what all the fuss was about.

The first couple chapters were slow going (also, since I'm semi-resolved to only spend time reading it if I've done some devotions that day). The melodramatic inner life of an angsty teenager. But once elements of plot started to take shape, it made for somewhat easier reading.

I'm about 200 pages in now (out of about 500), and somewhere around the 150-page mark, I read a sentence that gave me a future post idea (Top Ten Worst Sentences...?):

"Desolation hit me with crippling strength." (page 145)

Every few pages there's a sentence that just makes me cringe for one reason or another. Sure, the writing style depends on lots of adjectives and adverbs. But more so it's the ideas that give me pause.

Before I started reading it, I was discussing some of these thoughts with a friend, and we had a difference of opinion as to whether this was actually a damaging influence on one's worldview or just a fun diversion. Certainly, there are things that I read for escapist fun.

But I still feel fairly strongly that there's a lot of untruth in the fantasy that the book provides. Mostly, the myth of salvation in the romantic Other. Edward has been described as "perfect" several times already, not to mention other flowery variations on that theme. Even more explicitly:

"I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior." (page 166)

Ugh. The book takes true things--being cared for and protected by a lover, for example--and turns them into false idols, packaged as something that we want and must have. To my eyes, Edward is a creepy, domineering stalker with no sense of boundaries. But Bella (and perhaps the reader, by proxy) gives herself over to him as her total fulfillment.

I think I rail against the myth so hard in my heart because it's a fantasy that I know I'm prone to myself. Daydreams and imaginary conversations. Idealized mates. But it's not real, and it's not something that I need to encourage in myself. People are people. Marriage can be great and true. But never a substitute for Jesus.

Anyway, I will probably finish the book at some point, at which point I might be willing to see the first movie. I do not plan on reading the rest of them.

Then I'll probably re-read Harry Potter VII to wash the taste out of my brain. Yes, it's an escapist page-turner, too. But throughout is love, sacrifice, friendship, family, loyalty, endurance through trials, a host of truth.

Blogging After Midnight

2011-11-05T01:02:00.004-05:00

The reason I'm up so late is because I just watched "Bridesmaids" with some friends a short while ago. Before that we watched "Unknown" (so much better than "Taken," for whatever that's worth). Before that I watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" on my own. Today was a stay at home and watch movies day because I had/have a cold and it's a good excuse.

To be brief: it's been almost three months and I still get sad about it. Still feel pangs of missing her and what we had. Even while others have passed in and out of the radar in the intervening months.

What's the deal? When will it stop catching me off guard? Breaking up was the right call, but there was so much good stuff that was lost as a result.

I've played in so many of my friends' weddings during my five years here in Nashville. Most of them I knew separately before they became a couple. I've been experiencing bits of peace lately about not ever getting married. I've felt that peace before, but not so much since I moved here. But's in sporadic, in waves.

There's plenty else going on in my life these days, but I'm hardly ever here anymore, so I guess that's all for now. Peace.

Ready or not...

2011-08-14T20:10:00.002-05:00

Here I come. Internet. With an update.

Back in April, the uncertainties at the time had to do with:

1) Whether or not I would get involved with a new church plant that would take me to a different part of Nashville

2) Whether or not I would quit my job

3) A dating relationship

So, in order:

A) I decided to stay at my current home church and not join the church plant.

B) I did quit my job. Sort of. I became a part-time temp with a half-time schedule since May. It's made a world of difference in my life sanity quotient. I can enjoy the work that I still do there, and I can also breathe when the music work gets full, which is has this summer. A lot.

C) We stayed together. Until last night. We made it six months, and then we just couldn't keep going, for various reasons. It's pretty sad, for the both of us. I don't think I'll say much about it here. She's a wonderful woman. We just couldn't make it work.

I consoled myself by eating half a pint of this.

I've only mentioned the breakup to a handful of folks. And now to the Internet. I have a few misgivings about that, especially since some of you will learn through here and not in person, which is not the point of this post. Sorry, I'm still processing and gradually letting people know.

The reason for the post is for something else that happened tonight. I learned that a friend of mine just got engaged. She was someone that I had made a real idol of a few years ago, and my idolatry caused a lot of damage to a lot of relationships. We've reconciled as much as we can and interact fine. But once you give yourself over to an idol, there's always a part of you that remembers the scar. It was just odd timing--the weight of the breakup and the weight of this old wound, one on top of the other.

That's all. I don't have a lot to say on all that right now. Just processing. And finishing my pint of ice cream. (OK, fine, sorbet.)

Time for the next course: red wine and potato chips.

Food-Coping: Not Just for Girls.

Swimming In Uncertainties

2011-04-12T23:24:00.003-05:00

Multiple possible life transitions on the horizon.

Some or none may actually come to pass.

Wrestling with Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Rely not on your own understanding.
Acknowledge Him in all your ways,
And He will make straight your paths.

Can't stop thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking on my own.

I'm not feeling terribly anxious. A bit unsettled, though.

Not sure what to do with everything. Perhaps some fasting and prayer.

Sleep, at least.

I know my identity is in Jesus...

2010-09-23T22:02:00.001-05:00

But how do you do anything with conviction without having some sense of self wrapped up in it?

Right?

What am I missing?

Passive

2010-07-29T07:29:00.004-05:00

Realizing that my general response to change or just the conditions around me is to acquiesce and feel resigned that it can't change for the better.

Thinking mostly about my day job lately, but I'm sure it applies to other things.

That said, if God raised Jesus from the dead, then there's hope for change in any situation, right?

So...

2010-07-28T23:14:00.002-05:00

Yup, I still need Jesus more than anything else.

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Also, perhaps I will get caught up here at some point. Mostly just the usual busy-ness, with an extra dose of day job crazy for the last couple months solid.

I'm doing ok overall.

All's Lost, All's Found

2010-03-30T18:06:00.003-05:00

I don't typically write reviews of stuff for public viewing, but it's another way that I can support my friends in their art in a concrete way, so I went ahead and did it.

My friend Ben recently digitally released a solo album (physical discs coming soon with package artwork by the fabulous Jodi Hays). It's really good. I played cello on it. I'm really proud of my contributions. As in, "I can't believe I sound that good right there and that moment gives me goosebumps" proud of it. Specifically, track 7.

Anyway, I went ahead and submitted my review to amazon and iTunes. I encourage you to get this album and to listen to it thoroughly.

Here's the review:

(Full disclosure: I play cello on some of these tracks, though I have no financial stake in it.)

I've listened to this album a few times over the last few days. It rewards focused listening from start to finish. There's flow and understated beauty throughout these songs that variously put a lens on individual lives and relationships and tell stories of love, failure, loss, family, brokenness, healing, and hope. There are gorgeous sonic moments throughout.

The album is half instrumental tracks and half songs with lyrics, and all the tracks have a thoroughly crafted sensibility--fully realized with different textures and colors, building layers judiciously at just the right moments, never with too much. Some tracks groove and drive; others breathe full and slow. These are rich, acoustic soundscapes, and there are stories in all the songs, even the ones without lyrics.

The opening track, As I Mused, the Fire Burned, pulls you in like a steady tide. For You I Wait (track 5) is a study in sparseness, drawing everything it can out of a simple electric guitar groove, with the slightest support from percussion and lovely highlights from spacey, meandering clarinet lines that weave in and out. Rain On Consequence (track 7) is a personal favorite. I Lie Silenced (track 9) is an instrumental signpost that points back to the opening track; instead of the insistent piano pattern of the opener, the song presents a slowed down melodic motif, carried by a clear violin and punctuated by a stately pulse of chords underneath. The effect is somewhat reminiscent of Michael Giacchino's score work on Lost. The Wreckage (track 12) is, as the title might imply, a bit gut-wrenching. The closing track, All's Lost, All's Found, takes the thread started in the opening track and carried in I Lie Silenced and turns it into a brief, haunted epilogue, bordering on a lament, but still a reminder that beauty endures despite life's hardships.

Ben is a talented guitarist and singer and multi-instrumentalist sideman for other artists. He has a producer's exacting sensibilities, and this album is the fruit of years of labor, finally putting forth a cohesive project that reflects his own artistic voice. I'm proud to have been a part of this project, I'm excited to see what he does next, and I look forward to supporting his work in the future.

This could only be a true story.

2010-03-12T23:04:00.005-06:00

Background details:

- In order to avoid ATM fees (I don't have a local bank here in Nashville), I typically withdraw lumps of cash at a time--$100 or so to keep at home--at a local credit union that has a reciprocal arrangement with my home credit union wherein I can withdraw cash from my account from the teller as if I were a member there.

- I only use cash when I have to and for tips and stuff, and otherwise I generally use my credit card as much as possible (and pay it off every month).

- I hadn't gotten cash in a little while, so I was running low--specifically, down to $10.

So, today:

I met up with my friend Charlie after work to rehearse a bit on our own before a wedding rehearsal. Due to circumstances that just happened to him over the course of the day, he really needed $10 to put into his bank account as soon as possible.

Cool, I had $10, so we went to the bank and took care of it, then went to the wedding rehearsal.

There I had a funny encounter (no one that you know) that left me feeling anxious and insecure. We went on to the rehearsal dinner (my first Monell's experience!) and had some time mingling outside over drinks, but the anxiety was definitely still weighing on me.

I had been encouraged by some things that a friend of mine shared on her blog about pouring out our crap to God and just talking with him about it--he knows it all and our hearts, but he desires to actually be in relationship with us.

So I decided to get some air and take a walk up the street for a couple blocks. I shared my insecurities to God, unburdening the ways that I was running over things in my mind and feeling anxious and fearful, then turned around and headed back toward the restaurant.

I was feeling some relief, continuing to pray that God would draw my focus from myself in all these various ways and to Jesus instead. And right then, I looked down at the pavement and saw a $10 bill folded in half on the street.

I laughed out loud and asked God something like, "Really, is this what you want to give me? I mean, I'll take it, but that's kinda funny." I got back and told Charlie that he didn't need to pay me back--that God had just given me the $10 that I had passed it on to him earlier.

Fast forward through a couple hours of fantastic food and company and toasts to the wedding couple:

I got home just as my housemate was heading out to a show at a local restaurant around the corner. He asked me, "Hey, do you have any cash? That way I won't have to go to the ATM right now."

I replied, "Sure, I got ten bucks."

I lost my cell phone today.

2010-03-06T22:02:00.002-06:00

I think I know how it happened, too, and if that's the case, then it is GONE.

So I've decided to move on, at least in terms of looking into getting a new phone in the morning.

I feel a bit annoyed at myself. And also anxious at the missed communications from the day and my current lack of ability to contact people. It's really really really not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's the situation that I'm currently living, and it feels sufficiently weighty that I'm wrestling with knots and frustrations inside and fading in and out of trusting Jesus in the midst of it.

It will be a hassle to put all the numbers back in my phone, but that's workable. I just got home from a fun little show that my church put on, and the house is quiet, and I'm realizing something about being cut off from people. I don't know most of my friends' numbers by memory--I just look for their names in my list of contacts, of course.

Something about names and people and feeling cut off. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I just wanted to put it down in writing while I was still feeling like a silly goober.

Oh, and I also accidentally (stupidly) chipped the tip of my cello bow during a rehearsal earlier today. It should be easily repairable, and maybe I'll use it as an excuse to get my bow re-haired (it's been a while).

Today had its goodness and beauty, for sure.

But still.

Sigh.

Jesus Is My Portion

2010-02-22T23:11:00.003-06:00

If I could fit this into a facebook status, I would, but I don't think I can, so I'll try here.

Tonight I shared the stage with some amazing musicians and people, playing cello for one song for this benefit show. I was up there with some Famous People & Real Musicians. I struggled with some deep deep insecurities, a sense that I totally didn't belong on the stage with them, as well as envy of their Talent and Success and yes, even the fact that they're all Married.

And just to be clear, they are all super gracious folks, a couple of whom I would even consider friends.

But I need to name my idols, so there you have it. All because I lose sight of the fact that Jesus is my portion. It was a real struggle, believing the lies that Satan was feeding me about my identity. So I prayed and reached out to a couple friends to pray for me, too. I worked through it and found some center and sufficiency in Jesus.

I am not my own. My gifts and talents are a gift of God's grace. It was an honor and a privilege and a joy to offer them up and be a part of the evening. I certainly couldn't have orchestrated having such a cool opportunity.

But it was a hard hard struggle inside, and I know it's not over. I know it'll happen again. Then again, I guess I know that I won't ever stop needing Jesus, either.

Oh yeah, and I got a free copy of Donald Miller's latest book out of the deal, too, so hey.

Safety First

2010-02-10T07:18:00.003-06:00

I've had some reminders lately of how important it is for me to be loved just the way I am. Yes, friends can desire my change for the better, but I have to know that they love me regardless--that it's always a safe place for me to just be me and to fall short of their expectations/desires, even as they encourage me for my good. The safe, loving environment has to come first, before any change might--especially since I'm generally so slow and reluctant to change. After all, "God proves his love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Sovereign God

2010-02-05T22:59:00.002-06:00

God is sovereign over:

- my ailing car (after she did so well in the snow last weekend!)
- the cold, rainy weather
- my heart
- my insecurities
- my joys

He's teaching me to trust him more, with everything. I'm sort of learning, I hope. But he is good and gracious and so patient, and he loves me.

Intimations

2010-01-30T00:32:00.003-06:00

I'm not trying to be cryptic, and I think I'll be able to flesh this out later, but right now it's just hints and things that I'm still processing.

I feel like God is being sweet and merciful and loving and kind to me, in ways that I can actually pay attention to in this season of my life. I feel like he's drawing me into his Word, like I knew I needed. He's working on my heart, I hope. Teaching me of his love, showing it to me. Teaching me that trials are there for my good--or, rather, helping me to believe it.

From my head down to my heart.

Box

2010-01-22T21:27:00.009-06:00

People talk about putting God in a box (or letting him out of the box or whatever), so I'll tell you about one of mine.

I don't know if this would qualify as "artistic sensibilities," since I'm not exactly making a whole ton of art, but my disposition when I look at the world and try to put words to it is to focus on the brokenness. To see Jesus' redemption and God's truth, certainly, but to understand the lens of the fallenness of the world. Or something vaguely pretentious like that.

The downside (and I'm not sure I'm exactly reaping much of an upside) is that I fixate on my failures and fail to see God's redemptive work in the midst of the mess. For a very concrete example, there are a few people whom I see fairly regularly, since we share the same church community. These are people that I am no longer really friends with, almost entirely due to my foolish mistakes (at least, that's what I tell myself). We're not enemies, thankfully--we've worked out our conflicts and issues, at least to some kind of resolution. But we're not friends anymore, either, for sake of appropriate boundaries and continuing in community in some different way. We're acquaintances, or something, I don't even know what. And with a couple of these people, I deeply lament the loss and wish that we were friends the way we were before. The way things were before. I really screwed it up.

I don't see the redemption that God is working in those relationships. To be honest, I'm not really looking for it. It's tempting to say that I'd rather have a time machine more than redemption, but I don't know how to get past the whole thing about how even if I knew then what I knew now, I would still feel the scars, right? I could stop certain actions from taking place, but the damage inside would have already been felt (by my hypothetical time-traveling self--bear with me here).

What the heck am I talking about? I think I'm saying that I wish I didn't need Jesus quite so much. That I wish I could micro-manage my sinfulness and prevent it from bearing fruit in the first place so that I wouldn't screw it all up. Whatever "it" happens to be at the time. That's not the true Gospel, of course.

But in this case, I'm stuck. Stuck in the loss and the screw-up. Every time I see these people, that's what I think about, what I remember. I don't see God's redemptive hand. I do see how he delivered us from the conflict and the hurt, and I am grateful for that. But I don't feel like this new state of things is better than the old. As if I knew better than God, as if I could see with his omniscience.

So I fixate on the brokenness and blind myself to his good work. I don't know how to repent of that. And I know that there are always parts of me that don't want to. Because I've built it up over time into an idol ("my precious"), into my functional identity--the pain, the memories, the heartbreak, the longing. I'm stubborn, that's for sure.

I know from past experience that God can deliver me from the depths. But this doesn't feel so much like depths as much as mucky shallows that I tolerate. And in the meantime, I make my mud pies, because at least it's familiar ground, right?

I wish I were different. Is that a starting place? I wish so many things were different. Am I just holding on here until the ultimate restoration of all things? How am I to live in the meantime? I'm pretty sure that it's not supposed to be like my heart is now. How does that change? How will God break me in these particular struggles of pride and identity? When will I sing again, "I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see"?

I think engaging with his Word has something to do with it--letting it engage me. And I do believe that the destination is real. But the journey feels like a mystery. Or just too hard, too much for my fear and my laziness to contend with (lies, yes, but I give them power).

Am I still Eustace the Dragon? I guess he didn't just become a boy again--the same selfish, self-centered, mean-spirited, small-minded, small-hearted boy again. His heart changed and he was transformed. So I guess I don't really want to just go back to the way it was before. I guess I want to be whatever it is that God is making me through this. I just have no idea what that will look like, or how and when.

That said, Jesus assures me that his work will be completed, and that he loves me in the meantime, in the here and now, just as I am, a sinful man.

So stop fighting his love, you stubborn fool, and let it be enough for you.

(that's me talking to me, by the way--I certainly wouldn't call you a "stubborn fool")

(at least, not here)

I am just the same

2010-01-18T22:08:00.002-06:00

something something something about being simultaneously trigger happy and gun shy...whatever it is that I'm supposed to learn or have learned...if I knew, I would probably put it here...but since I don't, that's all I've got...peace...

A Couple Options

2010-01-13T13:08:00.004-06:00

Red Cross - International Response Fund

World Vision - Haiti Earthquake Relief

Compassion International - Disaster Relief Fund

"captive to my own remorse..."

2010-01-11T20:25:00.003-06:00

Earlier tonight as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, a really vivid memory came back to me. Something from near the end of my time in college--one of the worst things that I've ever done, and hurtful to a lot of people. I was suddenly overwhelmed by guilt and shame and even fear that tightened up my chest. I told myself that "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." But, honestly, I didn't really believe that grace in that moment.

I remember the room. I remember generally what I did, but I don't remember everybody who was in the room or everything that I said. It wasn't until much later, probably even years, that I realized the gravity of my sin. I didn't apologize to everyone that I hurt--like I said, I don't even remember everyone who was in the room. And as with a lot of my painful memories, this one still carries a weight of guilt. Yes, Jesus has paid the penalty for my sin...and yet there are oftentimes earthly consequences to our sin--not punishments from God, no, but the effects of the Fall that we participate in. And also there are ways that we're called to make restitution and restoration of our earthly relationships in words and actions. Apologies have almost always been crazy hard for me to do. I don't think I'm alone in that weakness.

One of my favorite books is "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. Sandra McCracken wrote a song based on it called "The High Countries." And there's a line in there about how "we are just pilgrims of the great divorce / I am witness to the light, and I am captive to my own remorse." I am absolutely captive to my own remorse. Captive to the memories of the hurts that I've given and received. Captive to my past running on constant replay. I am both witness to the light of the world and someone whose gaze is fixed firmly in the darker parts of himself. And I fall to pieces fall to pieces fall to pieces, as it were.

She's currently working on a hymns album called "In Feast or Fallow," and we've sung one of her new songs a couple times at my church. It's something of an Advent hymn called "This is the Christ," and the chorus goes like this:

This is the Christ, our God and Lord
Who in all need shall aid afford
He will himself our Savior be
And from our sins will set us free

I have deep need of Jesus. I feel deep longing to be set free from my sin. I am a bundle of fear and repentance and grief and lamentation and hope and selfishness and love and doubt and too much of me and too little of Jesus.

Somehow, God has chosen to love me, though I was yet (and still) a sinner. Oh, for faith to stop and rest in Jesus.

'Tis the Season

2010-01-10T15:33:00.003-06:00

I played a friend's wedding back in October.

I attended a high school friend's wedding the day after Christmas.

I'm playing another friend's wedding at the end of this month, the same weekend that I'm missing a childhood friend's wedding out in Portland, OR.

I'm attending two more weddings in February.

I'm playing another friend's wedding in March, and then another one in June.

Anybody else gonna get married this year?

What Just Happened?

2010-01-01T01:59:00.004-06:00

It's 2010 (did you just say "twenty ten" or "two thousand ten"--I hope you didn't just say "two zero one zero" or look down at your watch).

I don't hear anyone calling the new decade the MMX's. I don't think it will catch on.

We had some folks over for New Year's Eve tonight, so I got to stay in and just enjoy good food and drink and company and games. Some of us played Quelf, the board game. I'm still not sure exactly what happened there.

I don't do resolutions. Though I do plan on taking almost all of January off from alcohol, at least. That's not so much a resolution as a plan. I did it for the first time last year, and since December is just full of extra parties and more than I drink in an average month, it makes sense for me to leave it all aside for a month. I enjoy alcohol, particularly with food and with friends, but it's good to know that it doesn't own me, that I don't have to have it.

Back to the non-resolutions. Not that I think these will happen, but it would be nice in 2010 to:

- not accidentally write "2009" on a check
- write more (songs or other)
- read more (Bible, in particular)
- dance more (at least in the privacy of my own room, perhaps even in public...though probably not)
- play more (music, games)
- live with integrity...um, more (this runs the gamut)

In 2009, I:

- turned 29. It's so arbitrary. Mostly meaningful in relative measures.
- got some different/new perspective on relationships with women.
- in light of said perspective, asked two girls out.
- got turned down by 1.5 of those girls.
- went on half a date.

I still crush on girls I have no business being interested in. Cause it's not gonna happen. And, yet. I still crush on girls I have no business being interested in. Cause it's not gonna happen. I think I just said that.

Tomorrow morning is just another day, and yet the symbolism of the New Year is still kinda powerful for me--clean slate, fresh start, personal resolutions, no more baggage. But it's just another day. Thankfully, at least, a day without work. So I will look forward to sleeping in. Waking up. And still being me.

Jesus, Jesus. Another year. How have you been faithful to me this year?

This year started out as the absolute worst yet of my life. 2008 was bad. Then it got super bad in December 2008 and kept getting worse until Easter 2009. Until the day after Easter, actually. Then God was who he is: merciful. "He brought me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. I will sing, sing a new song."

I could be quoting Psalm 40 there, but I'm mostly hearing in my head an old U2 song called "40," off their "War" album.

I could to ramble some more, but I want to sleep, too.

Happy New Year. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Boundaries

2009-12-28T15:19:00.002-06:00

I think about boundaries a fair amount, in the context of a handful of relationships. Some friends recently introduced me to this book, and I intend to read it sometime. I wonder about freedom in Christ, and about how to love people. I wonder when my boundaries are good and right and healthy, and when I'm living as if grace weren't real and powerful and redemption deeply possible. I am in this for the long haul, after all.

Living with Integrity

2009-12-24T11:42:00.004-06:00

One of the themes of the last few months for me has been the idea of living with integrity. In everything. Feeling convicted about that in different spheres of my life this fall and how all-encompassing that can be. And how it can be exhausting to pursue that on your own strength. But good and humbling to be convicted of new ways that I don't live with integrity--new revelations of how I need Jesus.

Some time ago, my friend introduced me to this blog by a friend of hers. For whatever reason, the last few posts only just showed up in my google reader feed a couple days ago, but here are a couple excerpts that I found encouraging:

God grew in those moments (or maybe I finally shrank). I realized how big he was, and how small I was. He is in control and I can enjoy breathing. I can enjoy Him. Nothing is required of me. I am accepted by that which is greater than me. And I am safe there.

Intimacy with Christ often leads us to go backwards in comparison with what the world values. Though God may want to teach much through me, give much, love much, and perform much at some point, I appreciate so much this emphasis on being unimportant, unwise, and irrelevant.

Community is always around, and it has been my pride that has hindered me from experiencing it. I believe a lie that others care about me only for what I do, and not who I am. In reality, I believe that lie about myself: I am only valuable for what I do. I have based my own value in my productivity, instead of my relationships.

It's Christmas Eve. I plan on seeing Where The Wild Things Are this afternoon at the second run theater near my home, and then my mother and I will be picking my brother up from the airport. We've been a family of three for over ten years now. It still feels a little strange. We have a lot in common, and a lot that's different, of course. Family is so interesting. It happens in so many different ways, and then there's this whole other story of being adopted into God's family, becoming co-heirs with Jesus. But family is that weird thing that you don't choose, for all its blessings and dysfunctions.

I've neglected the beauty and anticipation of Advent this year. And suddenly Christmas is here. I do want Jesus to come and restore all things once and for all. But there are things that I want to see happen before then, right? Ways for the Kingdom to come and take shape around me and in my life and in the lives of those I love, before the end of our time. Maybe you know what I mean.

Here he comes, let us adore him.

Night Vision

2009-12-23T17:41:00.001-06:00

I think I dozed off even before the plane took off from the Nashville airport last night, and about an hour into the flight, I woke up somewhere over the Chesapeake, I think. It was all craggy like that.

It was a really gorgeous view--there was a bit of haze, and we were high enough that you couldn't make out any moving lights from cars, just this foreign landscape of pockets of city lights against the pitch black of water as we moved up the Atlantic coastline.

Everything looked so still, and there was this illusion of moving slowly, flying so far up. But then as we passed over one city--maybe Baltimore?--there were a couple planes flying below us, and you could see just how fast we were all going. Shortly thereafter, the pilot told us to keep an eye out for Philadelphia and then New York, and it was really just a matter of minutes from the announcement before I recognized Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Long Island. Times Square was super bright, even from that far away.

I don't remember the last time that I had a night flight. For whatever reason, it made me think a bit about death (I do tend to think about death fairly easily). Not that think that I'm supposed to die anytime soon, but I don't think I'm that afraid of it, for the most part. I think about the inevitability of my family dying, or my friends, or myself.

The views from the plane last night made me think of the endless grey city at the start of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce." Maybe it was the anonymity of floating so high above. But here it was really lovely to see, taking in miles and miles all around.

P.S.

2009-12-22T08:14:00.003-06:00

The main character in Avatar and I share a birthday. I'm about 150 years older than he is.

True story.

Also: the dreaded/cryptic CHECK ENGINE light came on in my car on my way to work this morning. I don't even remember the last time that's happened. Sigh. I'll just have to deal with it when I get back to town next week.

Hello Good-bye

2009-12-21T23:38:00.004-06:00

I saw Avatar tonight with a few friends, in 3-D (non-IMAX). I had moderate expectations, and I liked it well enough. I wasn't over-cheesed. It wasn't a mind-blowing spectacle, but I enjoyed the ride. Lots of pretty colors to look at.

I also said good-bye to a friend tonight for the third or fourth time in as many days. The last few days have been a protracted packing up and saying good-bye to Nashville for her as she gets ready to move to Denver. I guess it's been a little less traumatic each time, but it still sucks. I leave for home tomorrow right after work (still need to finish packing myself), so I don't think I will see her until she comes back to visit in April. In the meantime, I have a couple ounces of triple sec in a mini-tupperware to remember her by.

Good-bye. God be with you.

Aimless

2009-12-20T13:03:00.001-06:00

A few months ago, I looked at a friend of mine's blogroll and saw that I had been added to the list with the accompanying blurblet, "Hitoshi - Honesty and wisdom." How flattering!

Then a few weeks ago, I looked there again and saw that my blurblet had changed to "Hitoshi - The occasional entry." How true!

It's been over two months since the last post, and this is certainly not a resolution to post more frequently. But I have, amazingly, a wide open Sunday with no obligations for today's church service, and I'm looking forward to just being able to show up. So I'll spend a bit of time here.

The usual re-cap: lots of holiday parties and some great shows, both playing and watching. Day job has been very full and busy. I managed to make it through the entire day after Thanksgiving without getting out of my PJs. I have no idea when the last time that happened was.

Life overall feels stable--I'm not counting on that or anything, but I appreciate it in this season. I head back to MA on Tuesday for a little less than a week at home. A high school friend of mine is getting married in the Boston area the day after Christmas, so that should be a fun time. I'm looking forward to going home, but it's kinda snuck up on me in the crazy busy-ness of the month. A reflective season of Advent this has not been.

What am I doing here in Nashville? Lately, for various reasons and excuses, I've been keeping God at bay. There have been a few stretches of discipline in my devotions, but for the most part it's been a dry season.

I'm not really sure what to make of 2009. It was downright terrible up until the day after Easter. Then it's been the usual everything since then. Lots of ways that I'm content and grateful, lots of ways that I'm not.

What's the point? Keep on doing life and growing in the grace and goodness of God, being sanctified and changed, fighting the long defeat wherever we happen to be? I'm fairly confident that I'm supposed to be in Nashville. But I'm definitely lacking perspective right now on where I've been and what God is doing and where he's leading me. I don't feel like I'm changing.

I think I'm weary, maybe. And I'm not necessarily finding my rest in Jesus, or anywhere, for that matter. I find myself often wishing for a "pause" button so that I can get things done or take a nap. So I'm laboring, and striving, and some of that is good, and some of that is just spinning my wheels.

I do not have my stuff together. That's a given. And there are seasons when I'm pretty ok with that. But now is a time when I'm more unsettled by it. The usual identity issues--girls, music--where I look for validation and meaning in my life. Clearly, that's not working out for me, and I am grateful, honestly, cause I don't want to ever forget that I need need need this good and faithful God over every part of my life. Tiresome as that can sometimes feel.

Lately I think one of my main overarching/underlying struggles is that I live more by fear than by love. Sometimes I see it, and I preach the gospel to myself and remind myself the ways that "perfect love casts out fear." But I stumble on that one a lot, walking in fear instead of love.

My brain is an instant replay machine, with the repeat button stuck. I feel like my strong, incessant memory problem has gotten worse over the course of this year. Harder and harder to just let something happen and move on. Constantly replaying and parsing.

How have I grown in good ways this year? I don't know. Maybe straightforwardness and matter-of-factness in some things. Is the difference between boldness and foolishness just in the outcome?

I'm weary, I think that's it. 2010 feels like it's going to be more of the same. But I do have hope for God's sovereignty over it all.

The Catch-Up

2009-10-19T21:10:00.002-05:00

I've been remiss. I'm ok with that. Here's a bit of mostly outdated news.

I've been playing about a show a week since the start of September. That's a decent amount for me. It's been great. Mostly pro bono work, but stuff that I want to be involved with--friends whose company I enjoy and whose art I want to support. Venue shows, outdoor shows, church shows, coffee shop shows, house shows. Cello, upright bass, electric bass. Even led worship at my church a couple weeks ago--while playing electric. That was a fun challenge for me. And leading worship is often one of the ways that I most experience joy in Christ.

The last couple months of shows have clarified my take on music in my life here in Nashville. I want to be involved with stuff I want to be involved with. I want to support my friends in their art-making. If that's the case, then pro bono is fine. Money is an added bonus.

This past Saturday, I played a surprise wedding with a friend. Guests thought they were coming for a nice dressy engagement party. But partway through, the couple announced that they were going to have the wedding right then and there in the house. There was a break to set up the room and change into the wedding dress, then Charlie and I played "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" (from the Garden State soundtrack) for the processional. Less than 10 minutes later: married. And awesome.

Less awesome was finally finding the mouse that had been decomposing in our house for a couple days. My housemate and I searched all over--up in the attic, down in the basement, all over the kitchen. Until finally we pulled the oven from the wall, unscrewed the back panel to open it up, and--

Yeah, it was nice and bloated, stuck up in some wiring. Gross. But, situation resolved.

Less resolved has been some unusual stuff at work. An ethical lapse on the part of a co-worker. We're working through the fallout there, and we're a pretty small department. It's been tricky. But I have a clearer picture now than 24 hours ago of God's capacity to bring redemption out of it. We'll see how it plays out. But that's been hard.

I've been listening to Sara Groves' forthcoming album, Fireflies and Songs. It's mellow. It suits me right now.

I leave on Wednesday for the Christian Community Development Association conference up in Cincinnati. A bunch of folks from my church are going this year, so that's great. The road trip and getting away a bit will be nice, too.

Gang and gun crime hit really close to home a couple weeks ago. A teenager I know whose picture is up on the Nashville Police press release website, charged with attempted homicide. There's more to it, of course. But it's pretty heart-breaking--not just the event itself, but all sorts of circumstances around it and in the aftermath. All the ways that this is almost normal--or at least very much within the realm of understandable reality--for his family. It's gotten me re-engaged with the family, though, which has been good. I hadn't seen them as much lately.

I could say more about how I'm changing and how I'm not changing. Mostly how I'm not changing. But not right now. I probably don't have the perspective, anyway.

Lastly, I leave you with another music video. I played a show on bass for Charlie a couple weeks ago. He is one of the artists on a music subscription service called Brite Revolution--$5 flat monthly fee, for which you get mostly unreleased/exclusive content from their whole roster of artists.

Anyway, Brite had a showcase for the Next Big Nashville 4-day quasi-music festival--tons of shows in a whole lot of venues all over the city. Buy a bracelet, see whatever you want. I learned the night before the gig that I was getting a free bracelet out of it, which was awesome, since I wasn't up for paying $40 for one just on my own. I saw great shows all four nights, including Sarah Siskind and The Civil Wars.

Back to Charlie. He wanted to do a Smashing Pumpkins cover--a song I had never heard before (sorry, my 90's friends)--"Bullet with Butterfly Wings." Here you go:

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My glasses fell into a fire over the weekend and burned like awesome. So I had to wear my sports glasses for the last couple days. Thankfully my new ones (that I had already ordered before said fire incident) arrived today. Although I was mentally preparing myself for going to CCDA in my rec specs and meeting all sorts of new people and telling them what planet I was from. Or challenging them to a game of racquetball right then and there.

Poison, Wine, & Honey

2009-09-29T22:51:00.007-05:00

I will say more about my September soon, I think.

But for now, here's a very recent video of me and my friend Haley playing one of her newest songs together. We'd only rehearsed a couple times in preparation for a house show that we played together just this past Sunday night (our first time doing a show together). I really enjoyed working out parts and ideas and figuring out ways to complement her songs, and I'm proud of my contributions to this one. She's lovely and talented, as you will see.

Control Freak

2009-08-30T10:56:00.005-05:00

I don't like not being in control. I don't like not knowing what's going on. I give grace with strings attached, conditions for future change, or else resentment when people fail to meet up to my standards. I am very much unlike God, and yet I still manage to make myself god. How pitiful and pathetic.

I know that the antidote to these particular bits of selfishness is to trust in Jesus. But it's so much easier for me to trust in the things that I can see and touch: money, friends, job, whatever. Even though I know that they will let me down--moreover, that trusting in those finite, fleeting things (not necessarily evil things) will be the death of me. Really.

I think it's because I don't know my Savior. I could expand on that any number of ways, but right now I'll try to rest in the fact that he knows me. Deeply and truly, better than I know myself. He knows me. He loves me. Even when I don't feel it. He is present.

But where is he? It's not that I feel completely untethered from him, but I certainly don't feel deeply connected. Oh, that he would reveal himself to me more and more. That I would be open and obedient to his wooing me. That his mercies would truly be new to me every day. That I would know the depth of his love, the limitlessness of his peace, and the sufficiency of his grace in my every weakness.

Oh, me of little faith! Oh, soul, call upon--and fall upon--your great savior: Jesus Christ!

little gods with little g's

2009-08-29T23:09:00.002-05:00

my heart is an idol factory. it takes things--people, possessions, goals, whatever--and elevates them beyond their right worth. elevates them to be little gods in my life. little gods that i must have and control on my own terms, and all the while they control me. i feel disappointment and elation, self-confidence and self-worthlessness, all based on how they're going in my life from moment to moment. they own me, and i don't let them get away easily. cause i'm stubborn stubborn stubborn.

i give my heart away so easily. mostly to people (read: girls). i sometimes wonder if i have an even greater predilection for it than most other guys. replaying interactions to parse the subtle signs. daydreaming imaginary conversations. i see it happening step by step--churning out another idol off the production line.

in every instance, how quickly do i turn away from the false twist i make--even of true and good and right things in life--and turn back to Jesus. my compass. my light. my peace. my shepherd. my savior. the only one who fully knows everything that is good for me. who desires and ordains all this good for me.

JESUS IS THE LOVER THAT I LONG FOR

i know that i can't change me. i can only have confidence in God's ability to change me. to humble my proud heart. to draw me deeper and deeper into love and worship of him. away from the false gods of my own shoddy making. i have no other true hope.

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee
Surely His goodness and mercy shall daily attend thee
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do
If with His love He befriend thee.

29

2009-08-24T23:26:00.003-05:00

Today was a pretty emotionally draining day, and not because it was/is my birthday.

I finally got my car back after nearly two weeks in the shop and a lot of minor frustrations along the way. I'm grateful to have it back, and I'm grateful for various things that made it a manageable expense right now. I was able to get by without it in the interim, and that was great, but I realized that one of the reasons I like having a car is the flexibility to respond to needs to serve when they pop up unexpectedly.

Like tonight.

A late semi-crisis that made me heartbroken, then distressed, then angry, all while brainstorming solutions. Thankfully, it's reached a temporary stable point for a couple days, and we'll try to find a more medium- and then long-term solution soon. It wasn't a personal crisis, but it was within the body of Christ that I am a part of, and I felt deep deep grief over it, to the point of tears. This is the body of Christ; this is family. I couldn't possibly go and do what I was planning on doing--treating myself to a late meal and a glass of wine at a nice restaurant--when someone who is my family was in the middle of a life-consuming shit-storm and on the verge of homelessness.

I'm being stupidly vague. Before that there was an earlier non-personal-but-family non-crisis that I was powerless to do anything about, though I was on the phone a bit trying to figure out solutions. Sort of.

More stupid vagueness. I'm feeling emotionally drained, and it's just Monday, and this week is looking to be quite full.

I recently put a finger on the fact that service is one of the ways that I experience joy in Christ.

Jesus loves me.

I'll leave it at that.

Lately

2009-08-09T12:52:00.003-05:00

Plenty going on, but not a whole ton to say.

This past week was pretty exhausting with birthday parties, dinner parties, a show (on bass--I haven't done that in a while), and a recording session (on cello) for a worship project that I'm a part of. Plus a full weekend with the East Nashville Tomato Art Festival going on (say what?) and seeing a friend play a show last night and then playing again myself tonight after church with this guy.

I think/hope God is teaching me about: discipline (as in, being disciplined), patience and not pushing my agendas, holding my ground when I need to, my insecurities when it comes to music, all sorts of stuff.

I've got a college friend coming into town this week for a couple days, so I'm looking forward to that visit and taking her around my city. Lots of good shows to catch the rest of this month, too.

I have no end of need for Jesus.

2009-07-23T23:57:00.004-05:00

Sometimes that truth is wonderfully freeing, redemptive, beautiful, comforting, a steady light in the swirling darkness.

Other times it feels like a frustrating burden, tiring in its cycles, probably because I'd rather save myself some other way or just have my way, period.

Just being honest.

Run Some More ?!?

2009-07-08T21:22:00.003-05:00

I'm mostly just posting this to achieve for the first time ever four consecutive days of posting something.

I ran with the East Nasties this evening, my first time doing that. It's the local running group that my friend Mark organizes, and I know various folks from church who trained for the half-marathon back in April with this running group. They do Wednesday evening and Sunday morning runs. This was today's route, more or less. I had stopped by Mark's house on my way home after work, so we caught up a bit and he convinced me to come out for the run. It's not something that I would have been able to do back a few months ago, so I'm grateful for those past personal burdens having been lifted so that I could feel more free to step out in a new way.

I only knew a handful of the 50-70 people there, so I was a bit intimidated at first, but then the run started, and I chatted with a friend, met a new friend, made it back, hung around a bit, then ran the almost-mile from the rendez-vous point back to my house. It was good--I will plan on doing this again whenever I'm able.

Tomorrow I'm planning on seeing Sandra McCracken do her CD release show (a live album of a house show she did back in the winter) down at 3rd and Lindsley. Should be excellent.

Perhaps I will blog about it afterwards. Or not.

Stockholm Syndrome

2009-07-07T11:50:00.001-05:00

It's finally here and definitely worth checking out.

Run!

2009-07-06T20:47:00.002-05:00

Actually, I suppose the exclamation point is a bit unnecessary. I'm generally not that enthused about running. I do it to keep in slightly better shape that I otherwise would be. I started running back in December, and I usually run 0-2 times per week (by myself), typically around 4.5 miles each time out. I'm pretty slow, usually around a 10-minute mile pace.

So today after work I took the industrial route. 6 miles in about 65 minutes (I've only done 6+ miles one other time). I always try to have at least some part of the run be something that I haven't run before. This time I headed south from my house and followed the river west towards downtown. The riverfront on the east side is not like the riverfront near downtown. It's an underutilized industrial zone with warehouses and a scrap metal processing plant and a Citgo gasoline receiving station with immense cylindrical tanks. If it were darker, I might have been a bit more apprehensive, running underneath highway overpasses and past vacant commercial buildings before I reached the local football stadium around the halfway mark. But I enjoyed seeing some new places--you always notice more when you walk or run than on a drive.

For example, on Main Street (again, Main Street on the east side is not like Broadway downtown) I took a closer look at the most random old billboard that I know I've driven past dozens of times. It was for Holiday World--where they have the world's largest or tallest or otherwise most superlative (who's checking, really?) water ride or something. In Santa Claus, Indiana. Three hours away. I don't know if they really thought through their marketing strategy when they decided to advertise their attraction right near our favorite sketchy liquor store.

I also ran by a couple walk-up (non-enclosed) phone booths, with the word "Phone" on a placard at the top. It made me think about technology and obsolescence and blah blah blah (or Bob Loblaw). I also imagined putting a little "i" in front of the sign and how silly it would be to see an "iPhone Booth" somewhere out there. I'm sure there's an app for that, too.

I was a bit undercaloried today, so the run definitely tuckered me out. Good night.

Non Sequiturs

2009-07-05T07:47:00.007-05:00

I tend to replay my interactions with various people in my mind a lot. Occasionally the introspection is useful. Most of the time it's not that constructive. Probably even counter-productive to a healthy inner life. I need to tell myself to get past it and keep moving on, not get stuck in the past, etc. And slap myself in the face.

We have a new housemate as of last weekend, just for the next few months before he can move into another place with friends in October. It's been cool with three of us in the house.

I haven't been sleeping that well in general, and my body doesn't really let me sleep in, even when it would be pretty useful. So I try to do something for an hour or so (like blog, read, eat breakfast, do devotions) before attempting a re-nap, or at least rest for my eyes and mind.

Yesterday evening was spent with a few friends at a pot-luck grill-out sit-down dinner on a front porch--thankfully covered from the huge rain. Fireworks could be seen only via television. It was a lovely time, a far cry from the total freak-out I remember having last year on July 4th weekend.

A couple months ago a friend called me over to take care of a dead mouse in her basement. Last night I think I had a dream where this same friend called me over to help her with a calculus problem. Mercifully, my dream seemed to have then moved on to something else entirely and spared my subconscious the angst of actually trying to solve the derivative. That might have qualified as a nightmare.

I'm currently reading a friend's copy of "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. Not life-changing, but I've been enjoying it. It's fun reading other people's books when they've made underlinings and notes in the margins. Little glimpses into their thoughts.

I'll be going home to Massachusetts for a week later this month, where I plan to find my copy of Harry Potter VI that I left there and start re-reading it. I could use a good fun read for my imagination. Although it does get pretty intense at the end in that cave. Ugh.

On Friday I went to see a documentary on the making of Derek Webb's forthcoming album, Stockholm Syndrome. The hour-long film was excellent, and I learned in the end credits that it was made by a very talented friend of mine. Well done, Brannon.

Then I got to listen to the album start to finish at a local coffeeshop where they played it over a PA. Full of electronic sounds and programmed beats with a bit of an edge. I really dig it. Makes me want to dance. Or blast it in my car driving at night. A couple of songs with soaringly beautiful lines. Some heartwrenching calls to love the other. Trademark DW writing. Street date on the hard copy album is September 1, but release date for digital download is this Tuesday (7/7/09).

A few months ago I set my Facebook to display in French. I like it.

That is all. It's been a good long weekend so far, restful and not restless, for the most part. But I feel the Sunday restlessness coming on. Perhaps I can go back to bed now.

No time for blog, Dr. Jones!

2009-06-25T14:47:00.003-05:00

There has been more going on in the last couple weeks, for sure, but here are some quick highlights:

been watching plenty of soccer games (from halfway around the world)
played a couple shows with the usual suspects (music + friends = happy)
watched my friend take charge at The Bluebird ("I'd rather be alone...than wish that I was")
asked a girl out on a date (!)
went on said date (that's all that I'll say about that)
co-lead worship at my church for the first time (pretty special for me)

That is all. This blog is like a feeble, malnourished plant. At least for the time being.

It's Summer

2009-06-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

Friday night I cut my hair. Pretty short.

Saturday night I went with a couple dozen friends to the local minor league ball park to cheer on the hometown Nashville Sounds (AAA affiliate for the Milwaukee Brewers). My first game of the season--an extra-innings win, followed by post-game fireworks and more hanging out.

Today I went off to the park with friends to play kickball, followed by my first taste of Las Paletas (I had the creamy lime popsicle).

It's definitely summer.

I Love Music, I Love Nashville

2009-06-09T00:41:00.005-05:00

It's the late end of a long day, so this is short.

I saw a great show tonight at one of my favorite venues.

I had heard great things about the headliner, Madi Diaz, and she and her band delivered. Rock-edged pop songs with great hooks and textures and execution. Good stuff.

Keegan Dewitt (with 4-piece string section) and Jacob Jones were also solid.

But the awesome unexpected pleasant surprise of the evening was Vandaveer. A guy and a girl + one guitar, but with so many colors and so much power and huge vitality. Folk ballads with a cool and varied Euro troubadour tinge. They have an album coming out in August that I am definitely looking forward to. Seeing their set put a big fat joyful smile on my face that I just couldn't help.

I'm kinda wired now. Good luck with sleeping.

I lost my dignity somewhere outside Atlanta.

2009-06-07T12:45:00.004-05:00

Friday I drove down to Decatur, GA, just outside of Atlanta, with Treva and Ben for a show at Eddie's Attic. I'd never played there before, but I had seen it a bunch of times on various folks' tour listings, so I was looking forward to the mini-road trip and gig. We slogged through some rush-hour traffic, got there, and loaded in while a quality band from South Carolina called Tent Revival did their sound check.

Strike 1:
Within 30 seconds of seeing the other band sound check, I definitely started to feel insecure about myself because they had a pretty killer cellist / electric guitar player who is way better than me. Now, most players are better than me, and I at least project a degree of being ok with that, just as a matter of fact in recognizing my limits. I go back and forth between wishing that I had other people's gigs and being content with where I'm at--in terms of my abilities and the great opportunities that I've already had to make music with my friends. I'm good at simultaneously projecting confidence and self-doubt.

Strike 2:
Within 30 seconds of our own sound check, the sound guy started giving me a hard time and really disrespecting me. After the third remark, I just stopped him and calmly said something like, "I feel like you're talking to me really condescendingly, and you don't need to treat me like that." He mumbled something about how he was stressing out with the craziness of trying to sound check four acts that night, and he backed off a bit after that, though he never apologized. For my part, before and after I called him out, I complimented the sound and thanked him multiple times.

So it didn't exactly make for a fun time in the lead up to the show. I was already a bit uncomfortable cause I was going to be running through the other cellist's setup. And I've mentioned the insecurities. And now out of nowhere, the sound guy was getting on my case. It took a lot of self-control to not go off on him. I knew that would only make things worse, but I definitely wanted to throw a fit and tell him in no uncertain terms that he was being a big fat jerkface. Instead, I bottled up that angry response--which usually means that I'm on the verge of getting emotional--and I just spoke calmly and clearly on the outside. I didn't dwell on it and try to shame him over and over--I just called him out then and there.

Anyway, after sound check, Treva and Ben and I sat down to dinner (at least the venue does take care of its artists with a meal coupon and two drinks), and they both commended me not only for speaking up and saying something, but for saying it kindly (Ben got a bit of the same treatment from the sound guy, too, but I definitely bore the brunt). Praying grace together was a good reminder of God's sovereign presence over us and our desire for him to be glorified even when things are getting messy like that.

The show itself was pretty solid, a couple misses but mostly strong. Though since we didn't really know everybody else on the bill, it definitely had a different feel from shows that you do with your friends as the other acts, where you're really able to make music in community and just be really supportive of each other without agendas. Otherwise, I think the music thing can get a bit mercenary (mea culpa)--preoccupations with swapping shows (you play with me when you come to my city, I'll play with you when I go to your city) and who's playing whose drum set and the order of the lineup and all that business of advancing yourselves.

Otherwise, hanging out with Treva and Ben was great, the food and drink were solid, it was a treat to hear a bunch of live music in a listening room environment where the audience is really attentive to it--but it was still a lot to process internally. I know that I'm still a bit hurt/angry for the way the sound guy treated me. For the fact that he never apologized or even offered me a perfunctory "hey, nice job, you guys sounded good" just to openly push the reset button and try to start over. Like I said, I reached out a couple times--thanked him right after our set, but he didn't even make eye contact with me that time, then thanked him again outside in the parking lot at the end of the night. I don't even remember what he said back--maybe "sure thing"...?

Treva and Ben saw me go up to him that last time in the parking lot just before we left, and when I got back to the car, she said something like, "You're a sweet man, Hitoshi." And all I could come up with was, "No no, I just know the transforming love of Jesus Christ, and that makes all the difference." And yet, I hyper-analyze, and I am way too thin-skinned--I wish it were easier for me to just let go of crap like that and brush it off. But it usually leaves a mark and can be hard for me to move on a lot of the time. To be honest, given the opportunity to play there again, I wouldn't want to go, at least not right now. So pray for me, if you're inclined, that I might let this go, truly forgive and make peace in my heart in the face of all this stuff.

That's only the half of it, of course. Somewhere in the whole mix of all that craziness going on, seeing the other band and their cellist, it really did bring up so much self-doubt, to the point where I was overwhelmed by an acute feeling that I had nothing to offer God right then and there. I'm trying to figure out what about that is true and what isn't. I think at least part of that is something to be ok with: if I were stripped of everything that I have--even the good things that I might use for the building up of God's kingdom--and all that I were left with was Jesus, that would be ok. He is my life and my praise. And only I can give God the praise the he desires of me.

Just as we started playing our first song, I felt pretty helpless (useless?) and prayed to God that somehow this would bring him honor and he would use this to be glorified. It doesn't make sense to me that my shortcomings and all my lack can be used to bring God glory--I feel like I have to play well and not make mistakes and create beauty as best I can. But so often, I just can't, can't do it well. At the least, even if no one else is blessed by my not-super-awesome playing (and I mean that in a very straightforward way), and even if no one else can see it, I trust that he is doing a work in my heart--maybe something of what it means for me to worship him in spirit and in truth.

Another Day in the Life

2009-06-01T23:00:00.003-05:00

Today after work I ran some errands with some of my Nashville family. It was the usual mix of the planned and the unplanned. Intersections of poverty and healthy food choices and limited resources and budgeting. And I didn't especially think of it in these terms before, but Panera is definitely a middle-class institution.

Anyway, the most unexpected moment was when I was with a child in a Chinese restaurant. We were waiting for a take-out order that we had just placed, and the child first asked me if I was Chinese. I told them that I was Japanese. A few minutes later, the child asked me, somewhat tentatively (I had to ask again to be sure that I heard it right), "How come all Chinese people look alike?"

I rhetorically but gently asked back, "How would you feel if I asked you, 'How come all black people look alike?' Do you think that all black people look alike?" I said a few more things about how I didn't think that all Chinese people looked alike, or all black people or all white people for that matter, and how if you see more and more of them, you start to see the differences. I'm not sure that the child got what I was getting at, but I think that the child's mother did get my point, so there's that, at least.

I honestly wasn't that offended, and I appreciated the little teaching moment that presented itself. But it was a reminder that you have to learn to engage with difference--it's not something that just comes naturally. Granted, it was a child who asked the question, so perhaps it's not as sad as if an adult had asked it. But the thing that struck me, in part because it was a child who asked, was that it points to how, from the start, we don't by default look at others the way we look at ourselves--I don't say about my own people group, "well, I think we all look the same." We don't recognize the common denominator of our being made in God's image--all of us uniquely (and beautifully). And on an everyday level, that's something that I lose sight of plenty of times, not just with strangers but even with my friends whom I can judge and look down on for whatever reason at any given moment. Mea culpa.

Otherwise, the Chinese restaurant was also an interesting little side lens on the immigrant experience in America: there was a seating area near the main entrance where the tables had been set up with a portable DVD player and various toys for keeping the employees' children occupied while their parents worked.

Eventually I came home and went for a short run.

And then watched Conan's first show.

☺

All Things New

2009-05-16T14:14:00.002-05:00

So I've had that visual of a flower growing out of ashes stuck in my head, and I decided to do an art project for myself along that theme/image. I sketched out the rough idea on some paper and thought about the medium.

Now, I am not a visual art person. I have no skills or experience with painting or drawing or any physical craft. But I went to a store with a couple possible ideas in my head and ended up buying some paints and brushes and a couple ready-to-go 4"x5" mini canvases.

Last weekend, I painted the background colors and some texture and then set it aside and waited for that to dry so that I could finish it up this weekend. It turned out to be another rainy Saturday here in Nashville, so I took it up on the kitchen table and added the rest just now. I actually had two of the same thing going simultaneously--in case of catastrophic failure on one, I'd still have another to salvage the project. I rushed a bit at the end, since I was ready to wrap it up and didn't feel like waiting for some parts to really dry and have to draw it out into a third stage.

But they each turned out ok. By which I mean, of course they're terrible--conceptually simplistic with different flaws and clear lack of ability in both of them. But I'm still glad to have done the project. I had something inside me that I needed to see created outside of me, different from the usual musical sub-creation that I gravitate toward.

So there, my rainy Saturday project. Last night was a bit tricky for me personally at our church Family Dinner (pot luck+congregational meeting). I need to see Jesus all the more, need to be reminded that my screw-ups aren't the be all end all of my life, need to see beauty being redeemed from the ashes, even if it's just my sad little paintings with so many flaws themselves.

It's True

2009-05-04T12:03:00.002-05:00

A friend shared a bit of their testimony with me recently.

Thinking about it now, my heart aches.

But I also see a picture of beauty rising from the ashes. A flower coming up for air from cinders and soot.

Jesus is real. He is actually risen from having been actually dead. I don't know how often I throw myself into that freakish mystery without some sense of reservation in my brain.

But my friend's story reminds me that it's true. It's True--new life, joy, redemption, wholeness. The darkness is not the end of the story. It's terrible and painful and can steal so much life away, and no one goes through life unscathed. But it's not the end.

Jesus is the light in the darkness.
Jesus is the healing balm.
Jesus is comfort and help in time of need.
Jesus is beauty and mercy and grace and perfect love.
Jesus is the lover we long for.

Jesus will usher in a new heavens and a new earth, tangible realities for our resurrected physical bodies to enjoy and explore for eternity. All the darkness that weighs down our minds and spirits and bodies these halfway days--all the hurts we've inflicted on others and all the hurts we've suffered ourselves--will be left behind and become untrue.

Following him doesn't mean that life right now will be sunshine and roses from here on out, or that the scars from the past necessarily disappear overnight. But he does promise never to forsake us, never to leave us. And he bore our injustices, our falsehoods and sins, on the cross of his sacrifice in order to free us from the darkness and its suffocating chains.

Only he is able.

Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ, King of Endless Glory.

Coming to Life

2009-04-19T21:38:00.004-05:00

It's a bit late, and I'm a bit tired, so I'll try to be quick-ish.

I really feel like I had a little (big?) miracle in my life last Monday morning. I woke up the day after Easter and had a huge weight of anger and bitterness just lifted off me. As I've started to tell some folks, I still feel like there's a lot of pain and grief to deal with, the problems haven't necessarily gone away, but my framework for entering into it is 180 degrees turned around from where I was. And all I did was wake up. I don't know how it happened--it feels as mysterious and as external to me as that saving faith to believe upon Jesus in the first place, I suppose.

Where was I, for the last four months especially? I didn't love God. I didn't believe that he loved me. Jesus wasn't particularly precious to me, not to my heart at least. I had a mental understanding of the Gospel and tried to preach it to myself here and elsewhere, but not so much faith in it. I showed up as much as I could will myself to church and small group, but I didn't open up, didn't enjoy it, didn't ever know if I would stay to the end, couldn't worship, couldn't pray, didn't feel like reading the Bible. I still had fun here and there with friends and with music, but life wasn't working, and I was just treading water, lamely at that. I was full of anger and bitterness, hatred, self-loathing, heartache, soulache, helplessness, hopelessness, brokenness, resignation.

So coming out of it was a gift. I couldn't make it happen. I couldn't work hard enough to fix my eyes on Jesus. I couldn't make myself stop being angry and bitter. Not to say that I'm not still responsible for my actions during this time, by any stretch. But it makes me wonder just how much control I have, even in my reactions to the circumstances of my life. I honestly feel like I couldn't will myself out of it, couldn't deliver myself by praying harder, engaging with scripture more (or at all). And all those inward/outward things feel like they have limited value if the heart simply doesn't love God--isn't truly captured by His love. I was hollow, incapable of making myself love God (of course).

I'm still unpacking this latest season of life and what that all means, so I don't know. Something about God's sovereignty. And my need/helplessness. But also--should I be more unsettled than I am by my deliverance? Or more at peace than I am? At the moment, I feel kind of in the middle.

In the meantime, like I said, there are still plenty of broken things to deal with, plenty of painful, hurtful things that I'll try to take one at a time as they come up on the radar. It still hurts plenty, but it's different now. I still really like that I wrote everything that I wrote in the last four months, the last year. And I still feel a clear continuity through that whole arc of reflections and struggling to where I am now. I don't know what's coming next, but I'll try to remember this little miracle and let myself be held by my Deliverer through it all.

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So, in light of all that, tonight at church I took Communion for the first time in a long time. I would've given the offering that I've been setting aside for a while, too, except there was some unexpected busyness right before church, and so I forgot. But I'm looking forward to being able to give that.

I made it through the whole service, sang out in worship, even hung out afterward and mingled with friends--I've always been leaving immediately for the last few months so as to avoid engaging with anyone if I can help it. All of that really is such a miracle to me, God drawing me out of darkness. I honestly couldn't have imagined ever feeling ok again at my church.

Speaking of Communion, I had a thought about it a few weeks ago, as I was feeling a real need for the bread and the wine, but still felt a deep alienation from my church community and just didn't feel right about presenting myself to the altar to receive:

There's no such thing as self-serve communion, right? It has to be served to you. You receive it in public, before other brothers and sisters in the faith--it's a declaration, not something done alone after everybody else has left the building. Which is a good thing.

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Sidenote: I played cello for the morning services at Christ Community Church (in a suburb south of Nashville) this morning, and after the services, Steve Green came up to me, introduced himself, and asked for my info, mentioning that he goes on the road sometimes. Not having grown up listening to Christian music, I didn't recognize him, but I have since googled him, and my friends seem to remember him primarily as the first lead singer for White Heart back in the 80's. In any case, I gave him my info, so who knows.

The Purpose of This Blog

2009-04-13T08:08:00.004-05:00

I realized last night that the reason why I have this blog at all is to give me another outlet by which to preach the Gospel to myself, more than anything, I think.

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Also, I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than usual, feeling a bit under the weather. I felt it coming on last night, and I'm trying to figure out if it's just another cold or something that might actually need a prescription. So I spent the extra time looking into my health insurance plan a bit more, just trying to remember how it works. I enjoyed the quiet at home and headed out to work a little early. Of course, now that I'm there I'm a bit sleepy...

But I had a bit of peace this morning. I wasn't expecting that, some grace washing over my anger. A little miracle? I'll try to let my heart rest in that. There's still plenty left to deal with, but a Resurrected Savior does make so many selfish things seem not quite so important.

Reasons Why I Don't Blog More

2009-04-12T19:31:00.005-05:00

I'm not necessarily able to make the mundane stuff sound interesting, so I tend toward more weighty posts (not to say that that's inherently more interesting, but I at least find it helpful for me to process). I self-censor a fair amount of what I could write here because some people might be able to read into details and fill in the names and faces of mutually known persons.

I value discretion and privacy and generally err on the side of keeping things to myself if it might reflect negatively on a third party. I was raised with that adage that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." A friend has remarked that I have such a built-in anti-gossip mechanism that I don't even like to gossip about myself, share about my own life. Which can be to my detriment, for sure--I tend to bottle things up more often than deal with them healthily and constructively, especially if I'm not sure of how to do that in a given situation.

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That said, I'll recap my long Easter weekend by saying that it was, by and large, really terrible. I tend to cuss a fair amount these days, but I don't like the way cuss words look in print, so I'll spare that language for now. Mostly as an aesthetic consideration than any particular sense of modesty.

Thursday night I had a conversation that I was not particularly looking forward to. One of the people that I am currently estranged from reached out to me about a month and a half ago, asking if we could talk. I said no. A few weeks later, I assented, on the condition that one of the elders at our church could be there as a witness. So we looked at our calendars and finally had that talk on Thursday. There were some fruitful things about it, but on the whole, I wish it hadn't happened. The cons outweighed the pros for me, and it definitely stirred up some old heartache.

Friday night I played cello at a Good Friday service put on by my church and a sister church in a suburb south of Nashville. I think it was a good service overall. But I felt awful, in part due to the aftermath of the previous night's talk. Driving to a friend's party afterward (yes, I know, nothing says party like Good Friday), I broke down in the car and raged at the intrusion of hell in my life this current season. Feels like Lent and Easter should be reminding me of just the opposite. Alas.

Sunday morning early I walked to a sunrise service that my church was doing at a local park. Same crappiness inside. Anger building on anger. Bitterness hardening.

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There were a few good things, too, though. I had Friday off from work, so I hung out at a friend's place where she was hosting a Good Friday potluck for some of her international students and teaching colleagues, along with an Easter egg hunt that included short readings explaining the meaning of Easter.

And I feel like I was almost ready to take Communion this Sunday evening. I don't know how I'll know when I'm ready. "Just as I am"--but with my huge load of anger and resentment, that I refuse to leave at the Cross, that I hold more tightly and dearly than Jesus? My church makes a frequent point that we're not there to play church--we're there to be the church. So I second-guess myself a lot, my heart's motivations. I try to stick it out as much as possible, at least show up at the services, compelled by this tiny thread of hope that God can work in me, draw me to life again. But I always leave carrying more pain and grief.

How am I supposed to approach the throne of grace? What are the pre-conditions? I know the right answer is "nothing," no pre-conditions--nothing can keep us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. His love is not dependent on my goodness, nor is it hindered by my sin. His perfect work on my behalf is full and complete.

But don't I need to repent? Turn away from myself and my debilitating bitterness, turn to Jesus as my only hope and salvation? Isn't that what I would be declaring by going to the Communion table to receive him, to worship him as my only true God? How can I do that in good conscience when I harbor such bitterness toward some of my brothers and sisters in the faith? I have left my offering and withdrawn myself from the table for months. How long, O Lord? Where is that faith, the faith that is itself a gift from God, something that I can't produce of my own power, faith to throw myself on his mercies and actually believe in God's love for me? For me.

Every day I feel reminders of what I perceive as injustices inflicted on me in the recent past. I see doors closed by others and by myself for ways to deal with the issues. And I choose not to pay it down myself. I choose to let the wounds fester. I choose to hate, rather than cast myself on Jesus' love and sufficiency--that he bore wounds and injustices even greater than that ones that I have born (and inflicted on others), all so that I would be healed. That he went to the lowest depths of death and back, all to rescue me from even beyond my deepest pits.

I don't even know how to turn to Jesus anymore. I am a poison to those around me. Every day I feel more and more convicted that I am too stubborn to be a Christian. And oftentimes, I earnestly wish that I had never been born--I didn't ask for it, and my resentment turns on God for creating me in the first place.

I want life, I do. Unfortunately, I want it on my terms, my rightness. Either Jesus will become even more real to me as he delivers me through all this trial. Or else I'll become a character in "The Great Divorce"--spiteful, narrow-minded, self-consumed, foolishly refusing to ever give or receive mercy.

How long, O Lord?

Why Not

2009-03-28T17:35:00.004-05:00

It's been a month, so in the interest of remembering the original mission of this blog (narcissism + procrastinability), here are some semi-sequiturs:

I started running a little bit back in December. I don't consider myself a runner. I run on average 0-2 times per week, just on my own, usually somewhere between 2-5 miles per run (my longest so far is 6.3). I average 10-minute miles, but that's an uneven pace. I don't necessarily care to become a more skilled or self-aware runner. I just want to be in moderately better shape, what with my sedentary desk job.

I've noticed over the last couple weeks that I've gained some weight somewhere in the last few months. Not much weight, maybe 5 pounds, but it's definitely fat, and I feel it in both my appetite and my clothes. Trying not to worry about it, but I am slightly more mindful of my calorie intake and energy exertion now in the broadest swaths. Alas, my magical metabolism has evidently started to slow down. It was fun while it lasted.

I'm playing shows on back to back nights next week at The Basement. Looking forward to it, though I imagine I will be quite tired by Friday.

My housemate's major jaw surgery is also next week, so there will be some substantial changes around the house, and I'll try to be as helpful as possible. It's going to be a busy week.

Here's some free music that I think is worth checking out.

On the weightier matters, I'm kinda hanging in there. I think the word for it is that I'm in stasis with a lot of things. Not just church stuff--keeping myself from taking Communion or giving my offering--or on my own with reading scripture or hardly praying, but also not really spending any time on personal writing or much reading or that kind of stuff. Everything's just kinda on hold while I (don't) figure things out. I've kept myself semi-busy with music stuff here and there, but otherwise keep myself as sedated as possible.

There have been thaws and re-freezes, a bit of motion on a couple fronts, but I am still reluctant to let go / forgive myself / believe in God's love for me, etc., and so I'm still angrier than I would like to be. There is going to be a Conversation with a couple folks in a couple weeks, we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, I'm off to pick up a bottle of wine and visit with some friends this evening.

Except there's a tornado siren and a thunder storm off in the not-too-distance.

Um...

The New Performance Standard

2009-02-28T19:20:00.003-06:00

I appreciate how my church eschews false gospels of new laws masquerading as Gospel truth: the subtle twists and pulls that ultimately leave you with "do more of this, be more of that, and God will love and bless and save you more."

The truth that the pastor preaches often is to look to Jesus all the more. But sometimes it feels like that message can become its own burden--to do that better, harder, more. Turning my eyes upon Jesus is a true thing that I need to hear and do. It's absolutely vital to my life as a believer to recalibrate my standards and my gaze off myself and the world around me, back to the source of all truth and goodness and faith, to the one who did everything that I would ever need to do. But sometimes that can be hard to do. And what I feel is missing sometimes is some loving encouragement in the way that message is spoken, at least for the particular frailties of my own heart.

I do a decent job of preaching the facts of the Gospel to myself, at least in my head. I recognize the importance of being able to do that. But I don't love myself well--I don't preach and believe God's great big beautiful, pursuing, unrelenting, unconditional love for me:

"I see you struggling. I see that it's hard for you to fall down at the cross right now, to fall upon Jesus' love, to repent and believe and be set free. We both know that's the truth you need. And I see that it's hard for you in this season of your life, and I love you anyway."

So it was a real refreshment several weeks ago when a friend down in Peru pointed me to some truth that I needed, while also simply loving me, no strings attached. Some others have been encouraging along the way in the quiet ways I need, letting me know I'm not alone.

Anyway, that's how I feel sometimes.

Affirmation / Negation

2009-02-22T20:11:00.004-06:00

There's a balance, a scale.

On one side: "Life is great! Things are looking up!"

On the other side: "Life sucks! This is never going to get any better!"

And I'm pushing down on the good side.

But all the while I'm sitting on the other side.

Church is happening now and I'm at home. I never know how far into the service I'll make it before I can't take it anymore and have to leave. Today I made it to the second song. Sometimes I get as far as the offering, or even the sermon and Communion. I don't remember the last full service that I made it through--I guess it was a few weeks ago when I was on the worship team (blah). I've had rehearsals and gigs the last couple Sundays, too, so that was a welcome excuse not to make it to church at all.

I feel like God has been pouring out blessings in my life this last month or so--the tangible, easy to grasp kind of blessings. Good time spent with friends, some great music, fun movies, cool art, even a bit of unexpected French. I also have a biweekly Sunday brunch + book club with a few guys from church, which is very much a blessing.

But there are other things. Unresolved things for which I don't have any hope for resolution anytime soon. Things I don't feel like I can talk about with anybody (including my pastor), for various reasons. And so I dread Sundays:

Step 1: Go to church.
Step 2: Get overwhelmed and freak out.
Step 3: Leave early and come home.
Step 4: Have a one-sided, closed-minded, lie-believing, self-defeating screaming match with God.
Step 5: Settle down and breathe again.

"The gift is not like the trespass." Christ's work is greater than Adam's (and my) sin. But these days I have a tendency to turn the lesser gifts and blessings into curses. Much worldly sorrow.

Music is one of my lifelines, for sure, my current drug of choice. (TV, too--as I wrote on our fridge with some magnetic poetry words: "TV is my junk anesthetic")

People are reaching out to me. God is speaking comfort and conviction and truth from a variety of sources. I just don't really want it right now. Or I want it to sound a little different--on my terms. I'm still angry, and bitter, and hurt, and broken, and sad, and afraid, about those aforementioned things. Things that feel insurmountable, too big for Jesus to make right, at least anytime soon. My daily reality is more defined by my pain than by my Redeemer. I'm not letting go and getting over it. I don't really want to engage with God. I don't want to read Scripture. I don't want to pray. I am being willful, stubborn, and self-destructive, and my focus isn't on Jesus.

But I'm like a runaway child who can only run as far as the next block, and then he just sits there, wondering what to do next. Too much is true for me to abandon my faith. Too much feels hypocritical and painful for me to feel like I have a place in this community anymore.

But my self-righteousness is a false shelter. I do want things to get better, and there are moments when I feel my hard heart melting. But then certain triggers will just re-open the wounds, and I don't want to do the work of paying it down over and over and over again. Looking back on the last couple years, I couldn't have planned it to be more messy than it is. It's uncanny.

But really, the historical details aren't the most important part. The question is whether or not I believe that God loves me deeply deeply, that Jesus is everything that I need, that grace is there for the healing. I do have some hope that God's pursuing love will save me, set me free. But I think it will be a very bumpy road, and so in the meantime...?

Why I Am Looking Forward to Valentine's Day This Year

2009-02-12T08:29:00.002-06:00

David Mead at The Basement

9pm

$7

Ten Years

2009-02-09T09:13:00.001-06:00

Hiroshi Yamaguchi
March 13, 1938 - February 9, 1999

Worshiping Jesus Now

2009-01-30T17:48:00.002-06:00

I know you're out there, a few of you, and I'm well aware that this space is in the wide open Internet web world, and that's ok. I use this blog partly as a pressure valve for my brain-emotions-ideas-melodrama, for when I wake up in the middle of the night and need to sketch out my thoughts in order to quiet my mind down again for sleep.

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Sunday night at church was a lot of everything that I need to hear. One of the things I appreciate about my church is that the sermons--through whatever theme or text--are consistently about Jesus, about commending him and the sufficiency of his gracious work for us, his beloved. So on Sunday our pastor gave an overview of Hebrews as a lead up to a more detailed study of the book for this next season of preaching.

Towards the end, he demonstrated from some Hebrews passages the practice of Robert Murray M'Cheyne's exhortation that for every one look we take at ourselves and our sin, we should look tenfold upon our savior. I may be __________, but in lieu of harping on that over and over to myself, I will gaze upon Jesus Christ: the heir of all things; the creator of all things by the power of his word; the redeemer who made complete purification for sins; the incarnate one who suffered and was tempted--all the more than we because he knew a perfect glory before being born a man--yet remained sinless; and so on the pastor continued, quickly unpacking each snippet's little radiances.

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I generally feel inclined to making music and writing songs that chronicle the brokenness of the world and look for redemption in the various ways that we fight the fall (the execution of that is another matter, but that's at least where my head space is at artistically). But in the course of lamenting the loss of Eden, I somehow missed the later message about persevering in suffering, boasting in weakness, and being content in hardship. While I am able to dial up my suck-it-up-and-deal quotient as needed (particularly when I'm traveling), in general I've always been a wuss about life. The existence of even small hardships can bring on a mini existential crisis. I hate that crap happens at all, and sometimes my reaction is to feel like giving up.

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I said that at the church service there was a lot of everything that I need to hear. But I still couldn't receive and believe it, couldn't quite let go just yet. I struggled with being on the worship team that night and pretty much mailed it in on every level--not sure that I'll be doing that again for a while.

This latest season of life (how long has it been? when did it start?), I feel like my capacity for joy and love has been crippled. Lying in bed that night after church, I got overwhelmed by a sense that life is meaningless, that nothing I do or anyone else does matters. It passed, but it was pretty convincing there for a good while. I suppose part of the reason for this blog is to call out those persistent demons in mundane words like that.

The idea that people's most prominent strengths can also potentially be their deepest weaknesses, depending on how those gifts are applied, or restrained, or the situation--I think that my main "blessing/curse" is my memory. I'm bad with immediate social encounters and remembering names in the short term, and some things I need to write down to not forget them, but other than that, if you and I have a difference of opinion on how some shared past experience happened--well, um, I'm probably right. Just sayin'. There is no easy answer for me for that ice-breaker question of "what's the most embarrassing moment of your life?" The entire collage of every bad or embarrassing moment is there, and out of the blue something will trigger a memory, which will domino into another, and they all still stir up shame or anger to varying degrees.

So I've been replaying various events of the last two years in Nashville, seeing how I got to where I am. Maybe I'll dig into that more in this space at some point. But not for now. I feel like I've talked it out a good amount already with various folks, and it's just the way it is.

I've had a couple good lifelines the last couple weeks, friends from outside who've known me. One who was empathetic and identified with my current struggle with hardness of heart and bitterness. Another who didn't leave me where I was, pointing me to some truth in a gentle, humble way--but still loved me right where I was, regardless.

--------------------

I am too convicted and convinced that what I know is true is true (and yes, that could be dangerous, too) to let it all go.

I know that God is real. I see dispatches from the mission field abroad that testify to his active presence. I see and hear it around me here in Nashville--that Jesus is the risen Lord, that the Kingdom is breaking in.

(Though some days I definitely see more discouragement and defeat than victory.)

I know how the song goes:

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control:
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

(Though I don't know that I always make it to the "it is well" part.)

This is me feebly preaching the Gospel to myself, pointing myself to look to Jesus and ask myself the question:

"How do I worship Jesus right now?"

I don't mean to focus on how much I love God or anything (and at the moment, that would be pretty uninspiring), but rather, "How am I responding to his love--do I worship him in every way that he is worthy? Over and above my pride and my pain, will I pay that down, forgive and love my enemies, forgive and love myself? Will I worship Jesus?"

So I think that question will be the theme of my life for at least the next five minutes.

How to Host an Inaugural Luncheon

2009-01-22T13:41:00.006-06:00

Courtesy of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies:

Do-it-yourself: Recipes for 10

The Wrong Kind of Dying

2009-01-19T21:02:00.002-06:00

There is a dying to self that I simply refuse to do. It hurts too much right now.

Like Eustace assenting to Aslan's painfully clawing away his dragon scales, I know that there is true relief and peace and growth on the other side of that seemingly impossible change. But from where I am right now, it honestly does seem impossible. And it's not greed that's transformed me.

I give up. Talking it out is my natural tendency, but I think I'm done with the cycles of the same conversations over and over--with the people I feel wronged by, with my pastor, with my former or current small group leaders. That hasn't stopped me from spinning through it all in my head, in hypothetical arguments with imaginary people or actual raging at a very real God (though I don't particularly feel his presence or his love most of the time). But the conversations don't resolve anything--or they only start another round of grievances and misunderstandings--and I feel like I know the answer anyway:

I need to repent. To turn to Jesus and trust him. Accept his goodness and love for me--let it transform my heart to love my enemies, to love even myself.

But I refuse. Evidently, I cherish my hatred and hurt more dearly. I am unwilling to submit to the Lordship of Christ--even though I know it's for my good.

Being a Christian involves repentance. Repentance involves humility. I've always been prideful, and there are time when I know that I am just too stubborn to be a Christian.

How long can I keep on worshiping my mess? Forever? I faith to know that that won't be the case, that I am held and upheld by a strength and power and goodness far greater than my fiercest rebellion. Only by the grace of God do I even stand and breathe and speak out my heart's heresies.

My only hope is Jesus. But what does that mean for the here and now, in the aftermath and the everyday bits and pieces? I just don't know how to be a Christian anymore. I've been realizing the last few months how tremendously wide the gulf is between what I know in my head and what I believe in my heart--like I am (at least) two different people.

I give up. Toward the end of the worship service last night, I couldn't take it anymore and I literally RAN away from the church and back to my house. I don't know where that leaves me, kind of treading water, waiting for a thaw (do I even want it?). I have a few ideas, but no real clue. In the meantime, it's not exactly going away or getting any better. And I'm not changing right now, that's for sure.

Tin Man, Tin Man, would you even take this heart of stone?
It isn't doing anything inside this stack of dry bones.
It'll make you think you're living, it'll teach you love and hate.
You might not feel it beating, but I'm sure you'll feel the weight.
Oh, Tin Man, Tin Man...

Remind Me

2009-01-13T12:29:00.006-06:00

I thought about doing a "looking back on 2008" or "looking ahead to 2009" post, but really, it's all felt the same to me and I didn't know what to say. I'm currently working out a more weighty post that may or may not take shape, but in the meantime, here's a bit of spontaneous list-making to help me take stock of some of the positive outward elements of my life, in whatever order--things that I am grateful for, to some degree or other:

job
cubicle area with a window and lots of natural light
income that covers my cost of living
friends
familiarity (geographical and otherwise)
music to see and be a part of
church that suits me and that I believe in, more or less
living within walking distance of church, friends, coffee shops, etc.--and a short commute to work
functioning car

And on the other side of the balance? Um, well...

Admittedly, every one of those things has a flip side or a disconnect or a yearning for more or for change or whatever else (clearly I'm missing something about Paul's idea of contentment in Philippians 4). Plus so much else that I could add to that side of the scale. I wasn't going to do that list anyway, but hmm...

I do have a life here. Just not sure what to make of it right now.

Ode to My Chicago Christmas Family Vacation in Chicago for Christmas with My Family

2008-12-30T22:12:00.003-06:00

Chicago was good, Chicago was busy
Started out with flying down into the snowy city

At the Midway airport, met up with my mother
Had some time to kill before we'd get to see my brother

El into the Loop, to the art museum
I tell you what I saw, I tell you how I see 'em

----------

Grant Wood: "American Gothic!"
(that's his daughter, folks, not his wife)

Ed Hopper: "Nighthawker!"
lonely times, it's true, in a big city life

Dan Burnham: "Chicago Planner!"
everything's so organized, every mile 8 streets

Georges Seurat: "Lazy Sunday!"
but tell me what is up, with that monkey on a leash?

Georgia O'Keeffe: "Clouds!"

----------

Finally together, family tradition
Awesome sushi dinner, that's some mighty fine fishin'

Lunch the next day, all you can eat
Brazilian steakhouse = meat meat meat
(and a ridiculous salad bar with some really good sun-dried tomatoes and smoked salmon and hearts of palm and prosciutto and...)

Christmas Eve service, in three different tongues:
English, Spanish, Karen (that's a Burmese one)

Chillin' on Christmas, I'm glad that we came
But it's not the house I'm used to, so it's just not the same

Brunch with friends the next day, then later that night
Tapas and sangria, some delicious little bites

Early the next morning, we end our tale
Was supposed to go back home but for an airport fail

SNAFU: Midway Airport Edition

2008-12-27T22:54:00.007-06:00

While I was originally planning on being in Massachusetts right now, I am actually back in Nashville a few days early.

Evidently a whole lot of Southwest flights weren't able to make it to Midway airport in Chicago last night (weather, presumably), which meant that planes weren't physically on the ground this morning for more than half of their flights.

My mother and I got to the airport at 6:45am for an 8:15am flight, and there were probably 300-400 people already there by the time we arrived, with the line wrapping around all the way down nearby service corridors. Ours was among the flights canceled, and everybody had to try and fly standby to wherever they were going, so we waited in line for 4 hours before working out a Plan B with a representative.

Weighing the options, I decided to try to fly back to Nashville directly, instead of back to Massachusetts with my mother. I'm disappointed to cut short my travel plans, especially since I was really looking forward to catching up with some college friends while I was home. But we've both made it back safely to our respective destinations, and our time in Chicago with my brother was really good, so I'll take it.

I'll say more about the Chicago part of the trip sometime soon, but for now I'll just comment that there was some interesting people-watching while waiting in that line at the airport this morning. Various types of people there--the loud guy calling attention to himself complaining on his cell phone (loudly), the self-important guy who thinks he can cut the line for whatever reason, the guy who steps out of the line to stand up to that guy since nobody else is doing it.

Circumstances like that can bring out some of the worst of human nature, but it only got semi-ugly once. Still striking though, cause it was a little picture of how a mob can work and just how quickly things can turn into a little uproar. Human nature looking out for its own interests, not necessarily the interests of one's neighbor and how to love and serve them. Mea culpa.

Otherwise, typically, I'm a fan of Southwest. I fly with them because they usually have pretty cheap fares and it's straightforward. Their customer service is also generally agreeable. But customer service is relatively easy when everything is going smoothly. It's situations like today and how they handle the craziness that show their quality or lack. There was one employee who distinguished herself today, but for the most part, there was a real lack of preparedness and leadership, of management taking responsibility even just to corral the hordes and organize the lines uniformly. Today's unexpectedness was certainly a bit extreme, but not a complete anomaly for an airline. Not a good day for them.

Would I rather be back home in Massachusetts for a few days right now? Probably. But it was a tricky decision I made for various reasons, and so I'm here now.

More about Chicago fun later.

If It Wasn't For The Night

2008-12-22T11:04:00.007-06:00

Feeling rigor mortis setting in on my heart.

Bitterness taking root deeply deeply.

Feeling judged, misjudged, misunderstood, presumed upon, holier-than-thou'ed, and held up against hypocritical double standards.

And yes, I certainly did contribute to my predicaments.

And yet, Jesus bore far greater injustices than these.

He bore even these.

How much do I believe that truth vs. the more palpable reality of the immediate painful circumstances?

Still, I'd rather not have to deal with any of it.

Paying it down over and over.

But, this too shall be made right.

Not in a self-righteous way, but in a resting in Jesus way.

If I can let go and find myself there.

Hoping that it will be the death of me in all the good ways.

And not the rigor mortis way.

Thinking about a David Wilcox / Pierce Pettis song:

If it wasn't for the night
So cold this time of year
The stars would never shine so bright
So beautiful and clear

I have walked this road alone
My thin coat against the chill
When the light in me was gone
And my winter house was stilled

When I grieved for all I'd made
Out of all I had to give
On the eve of Christmas day
With no reason left to live

Even then somehow in the bitter wind and cold
Impossibly strong I know
Even then a bloom as tender as a rose
Was breaking through the snow
In the dark night of the soul
In the dark night of the soul

If it wasn't for the babe
Lying helpless on the straw
There would be no Christmas day
And the night would just go on

When it seems that death has won
Buried deep beneath the snow
Where the summer leaves have gone
The seed of hope will grow

'Tis the Season

2008-12-16T11:42:00.003-06:00

Slogging through December and all of its added social outings, Christmas parties and shows. It's been fun, but fatiguing. Feeling a bit partied out, and there's still plenty more to come this week. Trying a bit too hard--not that I'm entirely trying to be something or someone I'm not, but bringing out parts of my personality that don't come as naturally or have as much exercise. Conversational ebbs and flows, witty and no-so-witty remarks, inevitable feet in mouth on various occasions, or varying degrees of party fouls and indiscretions (as discreet as you can be spilling wine on yourself, for hypothetical example).

I don't think it's strictly just a matter of being secure in my identity in Christ or not--though that can be a large part of the picture of how I'm relating to my friends and acquaintances and strangers in a big groupy mess. But I think some of it is just a matter of personality and the typical demands of medium to large social gatherings. I can enjoy meeting new people and having all these fun conversations, it just exhausts my social energy.

Sidenote: a friend of mine remarked a few weeks ago that humor is the male cleavage. Often true, I think.

Otherwise, after a good month and a half or so, life might be settling back down to the baseline "blah" for 2008. And that's fine, it's workable, for now. It will be easier to reflect in January. My sleep schedule and my devotional reading (or reading of any kind) have definitely drifted off lately. Hard to believe that in a week I will be in Chicago, and a week after that Massachusetts. Then return to Nashville for the New Year.

I do love the Advent season, but perpetual Christmas festivities have definitely supplanted the waiting and the quiet so far this month.

Grateful

2008-12-04T23:33:00.005-06:00

I suppose I'm a week late, but I am thankful for...opportunities to still be making music here in Nashville--doing it in community, living out that part of who I am, enjoying it. Worked on a friend's album last month, presumably to come out sometime next year. Played a Christmas show tonight with some friends. Looking forward to playing for another friend's CD release show sometime in February or March. Mostly cello, but even got to share a couple of my own songs at a show put on by my church a few weeks ago. I'm not awesome at the things I do, but I'm decent, and I do my homework to prepare myself for the most part. And sometimes I do some really solid work. So I'm thankful for all that--for still being in Nashville. For still wanting to be in Nashville (for now).

This month will fly by, undoubtedly. We'll be doing Christmas in Chicago this year, which will be new. My mother and I will fly up and converge there at my brother's place. Should be a fun time, though different.

I'm grateful that 2009 is almost here.

Corollary

2008-11-05T14:57:00.006-06:00

More reminders that with the human heart, when one bitterness or fear or anxiety leaves, another one (or two or seven) will simply come and fill in the vacuum. One idol for another, unless it experiences what 19th-century Scottish theologian Thomas Chalmers called "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection"--something else greater and more true and more beautiful for a changed heart to seize upon and be captivated by. Some excerpts from Chalmers' text:

There is not one of these transformations in which the heart is left without an object. Its desire for one particular object may be conquered; but as to its desire for having some one object or other, this is unconquerable. Its adhesion to that on which it has fastened the preference of its regards cannot willingly be overcome by the rending away of a simple separation. It can be done only by the application of something else, to which it may feel the adhesion of a still stronger and more powerful preference. Such is the grasping tendency of the human heart, that it must have a something to lay hold of--and which, if wrested away without the substitution of another something in its place, would leave a void and a vacancy as painful to the mind as hunger is to the natural system. It may be dispossessed of one object, or of any, but it cannot be desolated of all. The heart must have something to cling to--and never, by its own voluntary consent, will it so denude itself of its attachments that there shall not be one remaining object that can draw or solicit it.

In a word, if the way to disengage the heart from the positive love of one great and ascendant object is to fasten it in positive love to another, then it is not by exposing the worthlessness of the former, but by addressing to the mental eye the worth and excellence of the latter, that all old things are to be done away and all things are to become new.

The love of God and the love of the world, are two affections, not merely in a state of rivalship, but in a state of enmity--and that so irreconcilable that they cannot dwell together in the same bosom. We have already affirmed how impossible it were for the heart, by any innate elasticity of its own, to cast the world away from it and thus reduce itself to a wilderness. The heart is not so constituted; and the only way to dispossess it of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.

Also, my friend Beth reminds me where my center is and where power and love truly reside.

Stumbling & Fumbling

2008-11-03T12:46:00.002-06:00

"As long as your cry for relief is louder than your cry for a changed heart, you'll never mature as a man." (Dr. Dan Allender)

That was one of the "Reflection and Preparation" quotes on the first page of the church bulletin yesterday. How true. I've cried for relief far more often this year than I've prayed for a changed heart. The bad news of my life speaks more loudly, eloquently, and persistently to me than the Good News does beautifully or consistently. It would be nice to have a more than just a couple days in a row of simply resting in the joy of Christ before the next round of whatever it may be.

I need the discipline of looking to Jesus at every moment and reminding myself of God's true character, of perpetual repentance and dying to self over and over again, stripping off my self-right and my porcupine hard-heartedness, my idolatry of false saviors.

Towards the end of his sermon yesterday, our pastor reminded us that a phoenix rises from the ashes--not from a burned out stump or a partial loss, but from total ashes. We don't just need something to cover up the blackened spots or to build up from the hollowed out shell. We need a brand new thing.

It's getting dark even earlier now after daylight savings time ended this past weekend, and there'll be shorter and shorter days for another month and a half before things start slowly going the other direction. Heading into winter now, as much as I might want immediate changes in my external circumstances--something that I've thought about for a couple months now in terms of moving to a new city, something which may happen in a year or never--what I need right now regardless is a changed heart. From a heavy heart to one that believes in the abiding reality of joy. That promise of being in Christ and being a new creation. I am tired of me, and I am crying for a changed heart.

"...what is the breadth and length and height and depth..."

2008-10-31T11:36:00.004-05:00

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Sometimes I still get surprised by how broad and deep the brokenness of the world runs. So many things external to myself that I see and am involved in to varying degrees. Sometimes blindsided by Satan's ongoing work to sow dischord and division where we might least be attentive to it. All the systems and interconnected struggles just for the smallest changes and steps from darkness into light, the bearing of fruit in any given life. I'm being vague, and though I'm specifically thinking of other things, I suppose I could be talking about my own life, too.

I know I need to not make myself a savior in any of these situations. I also know that we are workers called into a plentiful harvest field, no matter where we are. Something about persisting through the long defeat, in the holy shadow of an almighty God's already assured victory. Paul's prayer in Ephesians 3 goes on with an apt benediction pointing us to this true God--his faithful hand and his powerful work and his eternal glory.

--------------------------------------------------

I recently got an update from my friend who helps advise the campus ministry at our alma mater. I am heartened once again to read about the work that God is doing in a new generations of believers there. I reflect on His faithfulness before, during, and since my time there. I'm encouraged to hear about the alumni who have been returning for visits to share their experience, heart, and vision of God's kingdom work with the body of Christ in this small college town in Vermont. I really appreciate the hopeful reminders that God sends in the midst of other setbacks or frustrations.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Finding Center

2008-10-30T12:43:00.005-05:00

There are some specific lies of Satan that I tend give a lot of power to, ways that I have always been prone to losing my center and my identity in Christ, the seeds of which were planted long before I came to faith. Issues with self-image and pride and where I look to find validation of my worth. This year most of those issues have been pretty near the surface with everything going on, and I've gotten to see just how deeply they run.

As some of the difficult situations have started to find some sort of resolution and even redemption these last couple weeks, I'm realizing that I've had so much of my identity lately wrapped up in the trials of this year, and now I need to learn how to let go of that rightly and focus all the more on Jesus' beauty and the ridiculous love that God has for me--to see myself as he sees me.

But even with certain storms passing, I'm already frustrated to be picking up right where I left off in finding old ways to be the same old broken me. The names and faces may have changed, but I have not. Hopefully, that means new ways to repent and new ways to turn to Jesus as my truth and center again and again.

My friend has some thoughts on her blog that I find to be encouraging Gospel truth, and so I re-read them occasionally here and here.

I've also been finding some comfort recently in Psalms 142 and 143.

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Coming up for air.

2008-10-29T08:10:00.004-05:00

Wrestling with joy.
Another round of dying to self.
Learning how to let myself lose and let joy win.
That's not a haiku.

Taking a break...

2008-07-25T14:50:00.004-05:00

I think I'll be taking a bit of a break from this space for the time being. There are probably a few things that I could say, but nothing pressing. I'll just process for a little while and chime back in at some point. Peace.

The Inner Voice of Love

2008-07-20T10:31:00.013-05:00

A friend of mine recently gave me this book by Henri Nouwen as a thank-you gift for some work that I did for his wedding. It's a collection of journal entries from the hardest, darkest time of Nouwen's life, December 1987 to June 1988. It's meant to be read slowly, savored and meditated upon. I've only read a handful of entries so far, each is a couple paragraphs to a couple pages long, and it's been rich and fulfilling and challenging reading. It puts succinct words to the core issues I'm dealing with this season--my relationship with God, with other people, with myself and my identity. It's a mixture of comfort and calling to action, even if that action is mostly just resting in God's love.

I am a restless person, so that can be a hard step of faith for me. Stepping out of my pride and fear, out of my right-ness, out of all the other things I look to to fill me up and make my life work. Taking God at His word, knowing what that even is. Something about the compromises of being human and fallen and having to love imperfectly. There is still and ever and always a perfect love, and I hope I'm re-learning to hear (and heed) His voice.

Our pastor at church started preaching on forgiveness and reconciliation last week, and he will be continuing that topic in his sermon this week. So today I'm re-listening to a Tim Keller sermon on the same theme that a good friend of mine gave to me when we were working through some issues last year. I've listened to it a handful of times since then, and it continues to be encouraging. I need it spoken into my life; I need to preach it to myself, the Gospel truth.

We'll be singing one of my favorite hymns at church tonight, "Abide With Me," a re-setting with a gorgeous new melody, so I'll close with these words by Henry Lyte:

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Stuff

2008-07-12T11:35:00.003-05:00

I'm a little ambivalent about Stuff. I can certainly enjoy bright, shiny new things, but even with Stuff that I know I would be able to use (certain kitchen devices come to mind...or a bed, for that matter), if I don't already own it, I just get by without. A lot of my clothes are hand-me-downs, things that I've had for years, and I don't like to throw things out if they're still at least functional. I own virtually no furniture, so I have to depend on whatever else my house mates may have for the common spaces. So it's not that I don't believe in Stuff, I just try to avoid accumulating that much of it. The trend started in college, when every year I'd find myself taking more Stuff back home that I just didn't need. I moved to Nashville with just what could fit into my station wagon, plus a roof carrier thingee. Most of that space was my instruments, then kitchen things, then some clothes. I've gotten a bit more Stuff over the last year and a half, but even now I can still move everything I have in 3 loads of my car, no truck necessary.

It helps that I don't really enjoy shopping. Even buying groceries can take me an inordinate amount of time. And I don't tend to impulse buy. Potential purchases will sit in my amazon cart, saved for later, for months, or just on a list of things to pick up when the need arises.

Well, the time finally came to pick up a few of those things, so I geared myself up for a trip to Target right after work yesterday. I actually wasn't dreading it too much. Yes, this is all pretty mundane, but here is the list of Stuff I purchased. With annotations. In no particular order.

Drying Rack - one of those collapsible, multi-level thingees...growing up we had a clothesline, and using a clothes dryer is one of my big fat compromises...so I'm still using the dryer for my smaller things, but hanging up the larger pieces...
Clothespins - see above
Wastebasket - one of those cheap little plastic things...since I moved a month and a half ago, I've been hanging a plastic grocery bag on the doorknob...now I can put that plastic grocery bag in an appropriately sized plastic shell...
Black Curtain - I'm a light sleeper, and my eyes are particularly sensitive to light...the existing window covering--one of those bamboo slatted things--wasn't exactly made for blocking light, so I finally got the curtain to hopefully help me sleep a bit better...
Curtain Rod - see above
Safety Pins - in case I needed to pin up the excess curtain...and really, they're second only to duct tape in terms of potential utility...
House Slippers - I got a pair from a Target up in Massachusetts (I think) just before I moved down here in October 2006...the left slipper is still doing fine, but the right slipper has been on its last legs for a few months now, gradually falling apart in chunks, bit by bit...so I finally got another pair...
9V Batteries - these things are never on sale, of course, which is understandable...our smoke detector has been beeping every morning for a couple weeks now...we pulled the battery last week, but it's probably a better idea to replace it and turn the alarm back on...which is what I did this morning...
Greeting Cards - I prefer using blank greeting cards for whatever occasion, so I'm usually on the lookout for nice ones if I see any...these can add up, though...grrr...
Plain White Unscented Candles - I have one non-functioning candle...these are its replacements...
Tablecloths - two of them, cotton, 5'x7', mismatched but on clearance for $3.24 a piece...I'm hosting a dinner gathering on Tuesday...I'll probably put two 4' tables together, one square, one round (because that's what we have in the house)...and it was cheaper to get the two cotton ones rather than one vinyl tablecloth that would have been long enough on its own...plus, cotton, mmm...
Junk Food - sigh, yes, I treated myself...I mean, some of you might be able to assemble that whole shopping cart in a matter of minutes...I was there for over two and a half hours...no, really...I don't even know how that happened...at least it was still light out when I left, thankfully...

Anyway, I could easily have spent much more money on a bunch more Stuff last night. Most of it would have even been useful, probably. There must be millions of dollars of Stuff in every big box retailer in the country. Like I said, I'm a little ambivalent about Stuff, that's all.

Tonight we'll be celebrating and sending off a friend of ours who's returning to New Zealand after working in Nashville and being a part of our community here for over a year. I have very much appreciated his friendship and his good-natured kindness, and he will be missed. I'm not crying, it's just raining. On my face.

In the meantime, I've been steadily crossing things off my to do list today:

Assemble drying rack--check
Clean off patio furniture--check
Blog--check

There, But For The Grace Of God, Go I

2008-07-08T20:51:00.002-05:00

I got some more experience with the Davidson County criminal justice system this evening after work.

I hardly know how to start processing it all, but I was at least struck by that first thought.

Midway Point

2008-07-01T13:38:00.004-05:00

We are halfway on our way to the year 4016. Here's a mid-year report.

I have lived at 4 different addresses so far this half-calendar year. That is unusual for me, but it's all made sense and felt like I was in the right place at each point, I think. And in my current place, sharing a house with a friend of mine, I finally feel comfortable in the space as a whole--able to be at rest and enjoy leisure and also be productive--not feeling like I need to retreat back to my room by default.

Looking back, I actually remember that in the weeks before the naissance of this blog (namely, January 2008) there was a good bit of unfamiliar life experience stuff going on for me, largely external to me but within my immediate circle of friends. I'll leave it ambiguous like that, but it was an eye-opening time that I was able to share with several of my friends who were also involved.

Otherwise, the half-year has seen some increased responsibilities at church, both deepening and estranged friendships, and the challenges of engaging in community across cultural boundaries in a semi-committed way . That's kinda vague (and uppity) to say it that way, but I do have concrete things in mind.

This current season is also marked by the fact of where I am not: Vermont. The Green Mountain State. More cows than people and refreshingly pungent cow-ish odors in the summertime. Middlebury, VT, is where I've been for 8 of the last 10 summers, both as a student and staff member for a French language immersion program at the college there. Some of my friends are there now starting another session this week, and I have a small nibblet of nostalgia to think that I could be there now as well. But I knew even before I returned last summer that it would be my last time there, and that was even more clear to me at the end of the session. I definitely burnt myself out last year, but my experiences as a whole were fantastic, with some great friendships, good hard work and challenges and learning both in and out of the classroom, and opportunities to reconnect with my home communities there, where I would feel welcome and at home after months and months away. Vous me manquez toutes et tous.

Nashville is where I'm supposed to be. Unless I decide to up and run away from all my troubles, in which case, you will find me in either Seattle or San Francisco, stirring up fresh trouble, of course.

But in the meantime, for the next few months, I will continue to receive fresh vegetables every week (at least one reason to stick it out here). Yum.

There's been a lot of music. And weddings. And music at weddings.

July will slow down. Please.

Lastly, here's a prayer I've been coming back to a good bit these last few months, from a book called The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
     where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up,
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime, stars can be seen from deepest wells,
     and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.

Work

2008-06-19T15:48:00.003-05:00

So, I have a job, one that I've had for a little over a year now, minus my escapades in Vermont last summer. Technically my current job is part-time, but it's more or less the standard 9 to 5 with some wiggle room, and it pays the bills. I feel like music is definitely another job for me, as it is for a whole ton of folks here in Nashville ("Music City," we call ourselves), where I'm sometimes putting in upwards of 10-15 hours in a given week for prep and rehearsal and gigging when it's busy. Plus the things I do for my church--another few hours a week, and generally pretty much always in the back of my mind. Everybody's (hopefully) got those things in their lives that are fruitful labors, monetarily remunerated or not, juggled together with everything else that fills up the hours and days--rest/sleep, cook/eat, play soccer, read, socialize, do nothing time--let alone be married and raise a family for some of you all.

The idea was floated out there of paying me a bit for the things that I do for church, especially as the reponsibilities (and stress) have grown a bit the last few months compared to the stuff I started with last fall. I haven't figured that one out yet--the whole idea of Paul's having the rights of an apostle to earn his living off the Gospel, but choosing not to so that the Gospel would be free to all (I Corinthians 9). This isn't exactly that situation, but I haven't figured it out yet. I mean, I've certainly accepted honorariums in the past for the work I've done for and with my two home churches in Vermont, leading worship or directing the choir for a season. And that felt right, I appreciated their gestures of thanks for my labors at the end of those seasons, and because those churches were small, I felt like it came from each of the congregations as a whole as a gift back to me. But if it were to be a regular weekly paid job-esque thing, hmm...

If this were the kind of blog that solicited comments, here's where I'd say, "So what do you all think?" But, alas, it is not. And I like the illusion of not knowing exactly who's reading this and then being pleasantly surprised when someone mentions it to me. I mean, it's out there and public, I know, and I have no qualms about that. But since I feel more comfortable with my online community (facebook, myspace, blog) reflecting my real-life (offline? non-cyberspace? supra-virtual?) community, you all for the most part know how to reach me by other means anyways.

Not that you need to, that's really just a side point and a corollary to the fact that I am a late adopter to new technologies.

That is all. Back to work, in one or more of its various guises.

Kyiv

2008-06-16T23:56:00.003-05:00

Great show tonight at The Rutledge playing with Taylor Sorensen's acoustic side project, Kyiv. We were minus our keyboard/accordion player, so I took a bit more of the instrumental slack on cello. And I felt pretty good about it, thought I played pretty well overall, with a few moments that felt really solid. Video may or may not show up here in a few days. We added a couple songs tonight that we didn't do earlier this month at the Basement show, songs from his other band, The Trigger Code. I charted them out as he played them for me after sound check tonight, then played them for the first time in the show itself. And it worked out, actually had some of my favorite moments there. We even got an encore from the appreciative crowd of friends--an encore in the old-school sense of the word, since we had already played all the songs we knew, so we played our first song encore une fois à la fin du concert.

Most of the time I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to my playing. All kinds of things that I can get down on myself about. But there are also times like tonight when, even with a few mistakes here and there, spontaneous and excellent things happen because a group of people are making music and trying to create honest beauty in a live setting, before a responsive and engaged and encouraging (albeit small) audience. It reminds me what I love about making music and creating. Or just listening to music for that matter--hearing some great David Wilcox songs that I hadn't heard before as my house mate played them for me this past weekend, for example.

My friend Eric is starting to record his new project, with Ben Shive producing. Ben's own long-awaited, long-in-the-making solo project finally comes out this week, "The Ill-Tempered Klavier." Matthew Jones has a new one coming out in August, "Swallow the Sea." Saw him play some of the new material live with a band last month, and it's fantastic. Hear a couple tracks on his myspace, plus some tracks from his excellent last record, "Throwing Punches in the Dark."

So much music out there, I love it. It's a lot of who I am, who and what I think I'm supposed to be, as best I can.

In the meantime...

2008-06-14T14:41:00.005-05:00

It's a dreary overcast day in Nashville. A good day for reading, watching Euro 2008, and procrastinating from some music homework that I should get done. Some comfort for the day:

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm 73:21-26)

Breakthrough

2008-06-14T13:52:00.004-05:00

Last night I went over to my friends' house for a surprise anniversary party that the husband was throwing for the wife. A lot of friends from our church community were there for the surprise and the grill-out and well-wishes and celebration of their marriage. It was a great time of hanging out and good conversation and just having fun together. One of my favorite moments was a hilarious conversation I had with a couple friends about movies--a chance to talk about something other than how sub-par I feel like I'm doing lately. Invaluable. And I needed the reminders that I am still a part of this community that I've started to get a little burnt out in lately.

At a certain point, the gathering transitioned into a second phase--most of the guests had left, someone plugged in their iPod, turned it up, and yes, we had a dance party in their living room. Just as things were starting to roll, a friend of mine was leaving, and I considered getting a quick ride home with her, since I had walked there. But I stayed, knowing that this would be one of the best opportunities for me to let go of some of my baggage.

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I do not dance in public. I enjoy dancing and movement when no one else is around, but I am just too self-conscious and inhibited in the company of other people, even good friends. When I'm around other people dancing to music that makes me want to move, I'll scurry on by and make some surreptitious, subtle body movements (in time to the music) as I make my way over to neutral ground.

But last night, instead of hanging back and hiding out in a side room, I willed myself into it, moving my arms and legs and hands and feet and head and body to the beat, just a handful of friends around. I certainly don't know any moves, was hardly familiar with the music that was playing, at times imitating the others, at times closing my eyes and just moving, at times unsure of myself. I have no idea how I looked to the other folks there. I also know that they didn't care one bit. Every now and then I'd get self-conscious, but for the first time in my life really, I would let it go and dance and enjoy it. Don't know what it'll be like the next time, but I am so grateful for the chance to find that moment of freedom and be a little bit more of myself.

Happenings

2008-06-04T14:50:00.005-05:00

Show last night at the Basement with Old Bear and Kyiv was actually pretty solid, despite some minor mishaps and my own stumblings and intonation issues whenever I can't hear what's going on, which is semi-often when there's no time to do a sound check (that's just a cheap excuse--I'd have those problems on almost any gig involving a sound system, sigh). But a couple proud moments, too--I particularly liked a solo that I took on the last song of the night. Good music that I can enjoy with good friends whom I care about. I think it's the kind of gig that I'm looking for. I'm still figuring out where and how the music all fits into my life. Art. Beauty. Not sucking. But after a busy month and a half of rehearsals and gigs and recording, I've got a couple quieter weeks, I think, before things pick back up again in the second half of the month.

Went to a few of the plenary sessions of the Christian Community Health Fellowship annual conference here in Nashville last weekend, courtesy of the clinic I volunteer at. I am not a medical professional, of course, but since the central theme was the Kingdom of God, a lot of what the speakers were sharing was a broad call toward a focus on God's Kingdom and what we as followers of Christ are called to be/do in bringing that to bear in whatever spheres we find ourselves in. So it was good, I appreciated a lot of it, resonated with various things I've been thinking about as I've become steadily invested in my church community, its vision and my family there and our sense of place in East Nashville.

The weekend before that (Memorial Day weekend) I was a groomsman in a special little wedding here in town. A lot of folks poured out a lot of effort and energy and giftings to make it a really lovely celebration. All I had to do was show up in my tux. The next day I moved in with a friend of mine, so I'm finally a bit more settled, at least for the semi-indefinite future. Then spent the next day helping out a friend of mine from church who runs something called The Bridge (a program of the local YMCA), joining up with a bunch of folks for some cleaning and organizing and setting up for their summer enrichment program at a local middle school. Seems like it's pretty amazing and intense. They just started up this week.

What next? I might help out this weekend on a work project with some church friends for the Barefoot Republic summer camp. Or I might just have a quiet day. The push/pull of wanting to be busy and co-laboring with friends, but trying to take seriously my need for a bit of rest, too. We'll see, it's a game-time decision.

And yeah, I guess all those paragraphs are about things and programs and events and labors where you can see the Kingdom of God breaking through and transforming our life and culture and relationships, etc.

And it's June. Whaddya know.

The Wilderness

2008-05-21T15:48:00.003-05:00

I was working on a post last week all about the wilderness that I feel like I'm in right now. My friend calls it "the wasteland." I think I've been there since January or so, with a few good spells of refreshing (like the Lenten season). That's the short version, and I'll leave out all the blogtastically confessional melodramatic 'woe is me' details for now.

In the midst of the various things I'm dealing with and running away from, there is still the Gospel to contend with, of course. There are times when I'd rather actually be dealing with a whole wheelbarrow-ful of cow manure. But the truth of the Gospel isn't going away, and somehow it will bring redemption to the various fears and hurts and craziness. I feel like I need to run and hide a bit from various things and people (rightly or not), and hopefully the shelter I find is in the shadow of God's wings.

I'm learning about boasting all the more of my weaknesses (not one of my natural giftings). I'm definitely finding new things to boast about (I'll spare you here). Brick by brick, I need God to dismantle my false foundations--who I think I am, my identity and motivations apart from Christ. Who I'm being made into in Christ. I need to turn over every rock and repent. This could be a full time job.

--------------------------------------------------

I don't want for this to just be a blog o' my woes and emotional vomit (and yes, I do have other genuinely inter-personal channels in which to deal with my crap), so here are some good things going on:

in my current housing limbo, the Tullocks have graciously let me come and crash in their upstairs area for a couple weeks...the move a couple weekends ago was surprisingly smooth, and I've settled in as much as I can in just a two-week stay...I'll be moving again for the more indefinite future with another friend from church this coming Memorial Day weekend...

my mother and I have been vaguely talking about it for about a year now, but just recently things came together via my brother and his housemate (who works at an Apple store, I think) to get me a new MacBook Pro...I've been getting by for the last year and a half on a borrowed Tangerine iBook, so this is a bit of a step up...first things first: importing all my CDs into iTunes...

my friend Shannon and I are splitting a quarter-bushel share from the Community Supported Agriculture program of Avalon Acres farm...there's a food drop every Wednesday for 26 weeks...the first drop was a couple weeks ago, and the lettuce was scrumptious...last week's strawberries were amazing...I'm looking forward to the rest of the season's fun bounty...

my friends the Langsdorfs safely had their baby girl, Grace, last week...can't wait to meet her...

the unexpected (but not unwelcome) uptick in music stuff continues...I've been rehearsing with Seth Wood for an EP he's recording this weekend...I'll be rehearsing with Taylor Sorensen for his more acoustically-oriented side project, Kyiv, in preparation for a show in early June...and it's looking like I'll be sitting in on Treva and the Suits' CD release show at The Basement at the end of June...good stuff...but the extra work is keeping me up past my bedtime, for sure...

I suppose all of those could be summed up in the word Provision. Luxury, too, for some of them, but I'll tackle that idol another time.

Another little oasis was this past Friday evening. I went to my friends' wedding rehearsal over at the Tulip Street United Methodist Church here in East Nashville, and after the rehearsal they graciously let me crash the rehearsal dinner at The Acorn over by Centennial Park. At the end of that trying week, it was so good for me to be in the presence of so much joy and love among all kinds of family and friends, and I got to meet some great folks and just feel welcomed all around. The fellowship of the body of Christ, a beautiful blessed thing. And still but a shadow of the joy that awaits us. But thank God for those wonderful intimations of His abiding glory and presence. Things for me to remember in the midst of the soulache.

I know that Jesus is the answer. Sometimes I'm not sure how to get there, days when I feel more like I'm at the bottom of a pit. So He's going to have to come and rescue me. And I know that He is able.

He is able. Here's to a God whom death could not hold, who came to save His beloved, trading His glory to take on our skin and bones for a season out of eternity, who came to redeem what He created and created good. Let me rest assured of His beautiful love and favor upon me. Let me take Him at his word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

All other ground is sinking sand...

I have a new phone.

2008-05-21T15:41:00.002-05:00

By which I mean, a new old phone. I am so averse to change, but my wireless plan (a since discontinued pay-as-you-go plan through Verizon that I've had for years now) was becoming less and less the bargain that it used to be as my usage has gone up, so I finally had to switch over to a conventional plan with a local Nashville area number.

My old phone will still be active for a while, with a voice mail greeting that tells you my new number. So please feel free to call that to get it, or email me, or ask me in person, "What's your new number? And what is that sexy new phone that you've got there?"

Speaking of which, I actually went through extra trouble to track down a recently discontinued model that has the closest interface to my old (long since discontinued) phone. The "new" one is an LG VX-3450. I don't even remember what my old model was--it was a gracious hand-me-down from my brother when I first got the aforementioned cell plan. And I only got that because I was going to be house-sitting for some friends for a few months in a place without a land line. I am a rather late adopter of new technologies. So be it.

Patience is easy for the first 10 minutes.

2008-05-01T11:46:00.002-05:00

Actually, I feel relatively good about life right now. Here's a more mundane update on some other things that have been going on the last couple weeks, particularly on the music front.

I've been sitting in on rehearsals and gigs with Charlie Murphey's new band, Old Bear, some combination of bass and cello stuff. Did a bit of recording for an EP he's working on, too. He does good stuff, and it's been neat to see his music take a certain shape with a band behind it, giving him a chance to rock out a bit more with a rhythm section. So the last couple weeks have seen gigs at the Mercy Lounge, 12th & Porter, and now tonight at the Rutledge, opening for Drew Holcomb and Matthew Perryman Jones. Should be a good one.

But first up after work this afternoon is Siloam Family Health Center's volunteer appreciation party. I've been going there every Friday morning for a year now, and I love it. Usually I'm printing up various lists from their system and pulling charts for the upcoming clinic days, sometimes I get redirected to other little things that they need done. I am not medically inclined whatsoever, and I'm realizing that I'm even more squeamish about a lot of things than I thought I was. And that's ok. I have a place and a work to do there. I can partner with them in small ways, join them in their prayer times, show up for the culture-gram lunches, just chat with all the folks that I've gotten to know this last year, some of whom go to my church.

There's definitely something to be said for just showing up week after week, and I feel both a sense of belonging to and ownership of their labors. I feel loved and appreciated, and there are so many great folks--both staff and volunteer--who commit so much of their time and talents in the service of Siloam's mission: "to share the love of Christ by serving those in need through health care."

Your mistakes and your crimes...

2008-04-29T11:24:00.002-05:00

...it hurts just to mention
Feel abandoned and alone in desert land
But every mess is a fruit that's ripe for redemption
If you only leave the harvest in his hands.

I'm starting to believe those last couple lines not just in the abstract, but in specific ways for my life. Something of a breakthrough. I tend to remember a lot of things really well, which can certainly be a good and useful thing, of course, but it can also mean holding on tightly to hurts and guilt and all that fun stuff. I'll leave it at that. Just to say that the long-term forecast is actually starting to look more than ok. God's ultimate victory over sin and death and darkness is already secured for us in Jesus Christ. Beautiful. Eric Peters has a song called "The Ending" (on his "Miracle of Forgetting" and "Bookmark" albums) that reminds me of this truth:

I want to know why we fall so hard
And why hope for tomorrow can seem so far away

Don't say it's over when the world's gone mad
I've seen the ending and it's not so bad
Don't say it's over when you lose your heart
'Cause the ending is where we start

Lent was a really good and fruitful time in terms of delving into Scripture, morning quiet times and evening writing times. I don't really know why, but since Easter it's been a pretty dry season, and I've just been riding it out this past month. But I feel like there's a renewing coming now, remembering and knowing that I am here to spend time with God, and what a true joy, peace, and comfort that can be. God's Kingdom breaking into my false little fortress. Thank God. I've had the U2 song "40" (off their "War" album) ringing in my head last night and this morning:

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song...

I read that psalm this morning and this was one of the verses that resonated--"my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me." I've definitely had a lot of heart failure of all sorts these last few months and weeks, reaping the fruit of my iniquities, falling down in repentance. And yet, there is ever and always God's steadfast love and faithfulness, His mercy, His grace.

I can wait. I think. I hope. God help.

Wednesdays are for crisis management.

2008-04-24T14:38:00.005-05:00

The last two Wednesdays I've gotten calls to jump into situations that various friends were in the middle of. It's involved a lot of driving around and taking care of things in person, making too many phone calls, all kinds of craziness and some measure of stress. In the in-between time, I've had my own personal crap to deal with--a resurging awareness of my judgmental heart, my idolatrous heart, my overvaluing of others' good opinion of me--a lot of the same stuff that I was swimming through back in January and February, plus some unexpected extra goodness. I've already mentioned Sunday's freakout/meltdown.

I wrestle with questions like the line between selfless love, self sacrifice, seeking the welfare of others even at your own expense vs. taking care of myself and my own interests, being healthy. How do you do it? Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to love myself? How and when to say no?

If only I were so sure of God's absolute love for me and his abiding favor toward me, secured on my behalf by Christ's perfect labors. If only I actually believed it. I would be set free from feeling like I need to elevate myself above others, from my idolatry, from trying to plug my lifeline into things that can't fulfill me. Everywhere I turn is another false savior. I'll catch myself, repent, then do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would be set free to love completely and selflessly, without fear, without recoiling or judging, without agenda or self-interest. Set free to worship the only one who bears that ultimate worth. Set free to be wholly dependent on God. I keep on trying to smooth out my life so that I don't need Him, either by micro-managing my sin and avoiding certain situations, or by trying to do life all on my own.

On Tuesday, someone anonymously mailed me a gift card to a local organic grocery store called the Turnip Truck, with a note alluding to some of the ways I served last week (I assume last Wednesday's crisis). Under normal circumstances, I'd be curious to know who it was, but I could deal with the pleasant surprise, I think. But I wasn't really handling life too well just then and started minorly freaking out about it, just needing to know who it was so that I could clear out that bit of clutter in my headspace. I made some phone calls, no luck. I have a couple possible thoughts, but at this point, life has settled to a manageable level of inner turmoil where I don't have to know. I've been able to talk some things out with a couple friends, and it feels like there's a lot lot lot of work that God needs to do in my life about forgiveness, guilt, healing, paying it down, all across the board. And all the rest of it (see above). In the meantime, I'm just waiting for the next crisis. Probably another one of my own.

Give reviving, give refreshing, give the looked-for Jubilee...
- Albert Midlane ("Father, for Thy Promised Blessing")

What Do You Expect?

2008-04-21T12:29:00.003-05:00

I can understand when I'm disappointed by the expectations that I have of other people and situations when I can recognize that my expectations are foolish or unrealistic or inappropriately placed. But there are times when I get blindsided by unmet expectations that I didn't even realize I had, since they seemed so logical that I took them for granted and they were just part of my thought process.

I know in the moments when I have a bit of perspective that people will disappoint, it's inevitable in a fallen world, and I disappoint and fail as much as any other. And I can't just ditch all my expectations--they happen so naturally, and even if it were possible, it's probably not a good thing. Something about cynicism. It is what it is, and these are opportunities for me to turn again to God's faithfulness and sure and steady presence.

I suppose I'm saying all this against the backdrop of a sermon my pastor preached in early January where the central image was that of Jacob, laboring seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage, only to be hoodwinked by sneaky uncle Laban and wake up on that first wedding morning to Leah instead. All our Rachel expectations met by Leah disappointments. There's only one who is faithful and true. I am certainly not he.

Otherwise, I'm experiencing some of the same mysterious malaise that weighed me down back in January/February. I think I know what it is, but still, it's a bother. And some of the same tensions as always between human being vs. human doing. Put all that together and Sunday was a crazy day, with some unexpected falling apart.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

There's a brain/heart disconnect right now on knowing that that's true.

04+04=08

2008-04-04T13:02:00.003-05:00

It's been a month. Maybe I'll do better this month. Probably not. Though I finally put my taxes in the mail, so I feel more free to spend a bit of time here. I'm just not that good at quickly spitting out the minutiae of my life on a semi-daily basis. I'm sure you've missed me. I, on the other hand, spend a lot of time with me.

March went by just as quickly as February, and I felt it. A lot of burners going on at once right now, mostly church stuff. Grateful for my job. It's not ideal, but it (and life) could certainly be a whole lot worse.

Looking forward to the new Weepies album later this month, Hideaway. Heard a bit of Daniel Lanois' new one a couple months ago on the road to a gig with a friend. Here Is What Is. Also on the list. That and Tim Keller's "The Reason for God " and this collection of Puritan prayers called "The Valley of Vision."

Heading off shortly to a church retreat out at Camp NaCoMe this weekend. Should be an excellent time of getting away, spending time with friends, casting vision for our church. I went last year, and a year later I know more people and know them more deeply, so I'm certainly looking forward to it.

And they filmed me earlier this week doing silly things playing cello for some skit material. We shall see.

Time will march its ordered way...

2008-03-04T13:53:00.005-06:00

Steady steps of numbered days
And I will try to walk by faith
Unless my sight leads me astray

February flew by, even with the quadrennial bonus day. Went out to Percy Priest Lake with some friends to watch the lunar eclipse on Wednesday, February 20, 2008. Feels like astronomological phenomena require a full date. This is what I remember, encapsulated in an expression of my national poetry, le haiku.

Moon, where goest thou?
This is taking forever.
Let's find a Starbucks.

Actually, it was quite fun, cold but not too cold, good time hanging out, new friends, fun dog. I had been feeling myself getting sick over the course of that day, and that only progressed into a somewhat unpleasant flu over the next few days with a pretty high fever. I generally don't enjoy wacthing movies on my own, but forced bed rest time included re-watching Shadowlands (Attenborough/Hopkins/Winger version), watching Lifeboat (Hitchcock/Steinbeck, 1944), and re-watching Good Night, and Good Luck.

Went to Birmingham this past weekend to see a college friend and also to participate in a dance/music improvisation rehearsal that she was running for the Sanspointe Dance Company at the Children's Dance Foundation. Also enjoyed this natural foods grocery store called Tria and the excellent Continental Bakery. And some amazing spring/summer weather. Return visits to the city are in order. I still need to see the Vulcan Statue.

Just to clarify, I contributed music (upright & cello) to the creative process. Not dance. Not in public (though not for any theological reasons--I enjoy movement and dancing. As long as nobody's watching me.)

Got to sing on the worship team for the first time this past Sunday. That was a blast, particularly since I didn't have to lug all my instruments and gear. That was a treat.

On the docket for this week are:

Tonight: church prayer meeting
Thursday: pot luck and art project display with my neighborhood group at the middle school where we do our reading program
Saturday: church poverty simulation workshop

Also curious what today brings for the Democratic primary race.

"L" is for...

2008-02-14T17:05:00.006-06:00

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

I John 3:16-18, 23
Matthew 22:36-39
John 13:34-35, 15:13
Matthew 5:43-45
Ephesians 2:4-10
I John 4:7-12, 16-19

English Standard Version

Yay for America

2008-02-05T09:55:00.000-06:00

I voted today.

I have warm fuzzies inside for my country.

In Memoriam

2008-02-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

A year ago today one of my dear friends lost her brother in a car accident. A group of friends from church gathered at another friend's place to remember her brother, encourage and pray with her, share fellowship and worship God together, and just love her as best we could. Another friend baked some of her brother's favorite pies (Key Lime & Apple), and there was some wonderful time off hanging out and being in community and communion with each other.

I had only known her a couple weeks when the accident happened, and I didn't know her brother at all. They announced the news at church the Sunday after it happened--it was Super Bowl Sunday--and somehow I just wept and wept and wept when I heard, grieving deeply with her and for her and for her family. I had been reflecting on my father's death around that time, and so perhaps my heart was prepared to enter into another's mourning--weeping when others weep, as Paul says in Romans.

My father passed away nine years ago next Saturday. I suppose I don't think about it too much. It would be nice if he could see where I'm at and what I'm up to these days, there are a lot of milestones and things where his presence has been missing. But I do remember him fondly, that he loved me well, as best he could.

I try to hold onto the reality of heaven and the sure hope it presents, all possible because of Jesus' life and death and resurrection. Sometimes that hope and that reality are clear and beautiful in my sight. Most of the time I guess I get bogged down in the day-to-day, and I don't suppose that I'm "eagerly awaiting a Savior from there" (Phil.3:20) as much as slogging through and getting by--a mix of enjoying and lamenting life.

Against this backdrop of semi-complacency, I feel like God has been at times quietly and at times rather noisily breaking into my life these last few months. I hope so. I need my sight refocused, I need a new enthusiasm for dwelling on His Word, for actually desiring His Will, for praying and praying and praying some more. He is a good and right and true and just and faithful God. I need the power of his love and affection to rightly claim my heart--oh, that I would finally worship the only One worthy of worship.

The last couple days have had some fasting and praying and confusion and trials and rich blessings. Some excellent, fruitful time of talking things out with some friends, having wisdom and light spoken into my life and my uncertainties. God is faithful in so many ways, and I thank Him for the community of friends that I find myself in the midst of here in Nashville.

Thy Kingdom come.

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Lastly, please pray for my dear friends, Tom & Megan Langsdorf. They were stuck in N'Djamena along with Megan's dad when the fighting broke out near and in the capital. We're awaiting updates on their blog. The waiting and my anxiety are showing me some more wrinkles about what it means to have faith.

Thy Will be done.

Reboot

2008-01-26T21:34:00.000-06:00

Today was an unexpectedly difficult day. The last few weeks I feel like a lot of things have been catching up with me. Realizing that I don't forgive myself--like, ever (yes, I know it's like spitting in God's face and telling him that His forgiveness isn't good enough for me, I know...just another thing I struggle with). Other things going on at the moment, too, but that's the overarching one.

So this afternoon I got home and wrote out on a big sheet of paper: "WHAT DO I KNOW?" I started with "God is real, He exists" and went from there, trying to preach the Gospel to myself. This coming spring will be a challenging, hopefully growthful, season. I'm already looking forward to Easter.

Florida Primary Debate

2008-01-25T17:32:00.000-06:00

Last night after NG I went over to Shannon's to catch the second half of the Republican debate down in Florida. I am not terribly politically engaged at the moment, but I do enjoy keeping up on the news, in general, and so I was certainly game to learning a bit more about the remaining candidates in the Republican field. I am registered to vote here in TN, but not registered with either party. I don't plan on getting into politics too much in this space, not yet.

In any case, it was a fun time, I was entertained--probably more so since I had a friend to be the peanut gallery with and remark on good points, bad points, positions, styles. Shannon was one of the first people to welcome me at City Church a year ago when I started going there, and he's become a good friend. After the debate we talked about various issues and how we see them playing out in East Nashville, different approaches, socialism and libertarianism, foreign policy alternatives, it was an engaging time. He, like a good lot of my other friends, is very enthusiastic about Ron Paul. I'm not a super fan or anything, but I was still a bit offended by the way he barely got any air time, just in terms of his image on the screen (camera angles seemed to be individual shots of the five or some combination of Romney-McCain-Giuliani). But I'm not really complaining--NBC is a private entity and more than free to do what it wants.

Otherwise, it was a valuable time to simply spend in community with a friend and brother, airing out theological things we're wrestling with, life stuff, making fun of the candidates, figuring out how to be informed and engaged and rightly involved with the society we live in.

Speaking of which, I'm headed off shortly to a public forum/lecture type thing on poverty going on at a local coffeehouse called Portland Brew this evening, led by my pastor. Should be interesting.

On a scale of 1 to awesome, I'd rate this post a "boring." But it's a good exercise to write and post and try to gradually find a rhythm for communicating even the mundane. Perhaps more and better later. Or at least more.

Lest I Forget

2008-01-23T23:53:00.000-06:00

Little reminders that I need to be present more than I need to be blogging. Neat conversations with one of my house mates. Had a chance to share why I love my church so much--the focus on ministering to the local neighborhood we inhabit and the benevolence work toward justice in the society around us, laboring to both meet immediate needs and address deeper root causes of injustice; the intentionality of the liturgy and how there's time for people to read and consider texts before choosing whether or not to participate in corporate recitations and prayers and Communion, for example; and just the amazing community of people, such dear friends who have made Nashville home for me in a lot of ways. I said how much I loved my church, and he remarked that he could see my face light up just talking about it.

I realized after the conversation, though, that more importantly than those things I just listed is the fact that I really hear and experience the Gospel steadily with my church family--inside and outside of Sunday services. I need to hear it every day. I need to know that I am a wretched, broken mess (though this is usually an easier truth for me to grasp without so much prompting). And I desperately need to know that I do have a great Savior for my great need, that I have a God who is for me, for the sake of His Son, Jesus Christ, that hope has a real and true foundation. I need to hear it every day.

My friend Steve up in Boston has a nice post to this end that I found really encouraging. Here was another person, a dear friend, preaching the Gospel to me, words that I need to hear for life. I need to remember that for whenever I might be sharing with my house mates these things of my life that carry me through struggles and offer the best of joy and comfort and peace in the midst of suffering a fallen world. More than all the other genuinely amazing things about my church, I need the Gospel. I need to hear it and know it's true over and over and over again.

Soli Deo Gloria

2008-01-23T23:00:00.000-06:00

Tonight I saw a solo cello concert at the Blair School of Music at Vanderbilt University, Colin Carr playing a program of J.S. Bach--2 unaccompanied suites (#3 in C & #6 in D) and a transcription of the Chaconne from Violin Partita #2.

I walked into the recital hall and there was a single chair on stage. He walked out with his 18th-century Italian cello and filled the hall with so much beauty. Lovely colors and tone and phrasing, nearly flawless intonation, internal voices cleanly articulated through double- and triple-stops, amazing thumb position and some super-fast passages--technically awesome and musically rich, some really exquisite moments. So prodigiously talented, almost effortless. Some of the most beautiful music I've heard.

If I had to pick just one composer to be able to listen to for the rest of my life, it would probably be Beethoven. But Bach has always been at the top of the list, too, and nights like tonight remind me about the experience of art, beauty, truth, goodness, joy breaking into my life in moments where I can just sit and receive it. I've heard that he signed his manuscripts "SDG"--Soli Deo Gloria: Only to God be the glory.

I think when people think about pillars of the faith, first thoughts might tend toward great preachers and theologians of the past, laboring for the Kingdom and leaving a legacy of sermons and writings that continue to shape Christians in the present day. Bach likewise labored so diligently and created so much beauty, reflecting that truth into the world of his day with works of music that continue to speak into ours.

Tonight I had a chance to hear it again for myself and to know the restorative power of art in a fallen world. Beauty, truth, goodness, joy.

Glory.

I Am...

2008-01-23T18:43:00.000-06:00

Last week my neighborhood group (small group, cell group) met for the first time since the holidays to start up another season of fellowship, Bible study, service, prayer, and worship (I think that's the list) over at KIPP Academy (a charter school here in East Nashville). We'll start our reading program with the students tomorrow, and so last week was mostly a time to do a bit of work for the school and then just hang out and get to know each other some more. We're largely the same group that we were in the fall, with a couple new faces. I love my NG, it's great.

So our group leader brought a sort of getting-to-know-each-other, ice-breaker exercise--a poem sheet with about 20 lines or so, each starting with something like "I am...I wonder...I hear...I see..." and then a blank line to fill in. We wrote for about 10-15 minutes and then shared our poems with the rest of the group, and it was really cool.

Here's mine, a snapshot of part of where I'm at right now:

I am in process, and so
I wonder when will
I hear the one true voice of reassurance, when will
I see myself anew, until finally
I want to stop staring at myself in frustration at just how much
I am caught up in myself, and so
I pretend to be stable, even though
I feel much more deeply now than even a year ago. Whenever
I touch an unfortunate memory and remember too much, whenever
I worry again and again and again and again,
I cry out to a God that I block behind myself, because
I am stuck staring at myself. Now
I understand even less about how to pray and how to live, though
I say all manner of things to sound good, and
I dream the wrong dreams and chase the same idols over and over and over as
I try and try and try to make it work for me, so
I hope on a true hope without really knowing how, waiting for a day when
I am finally done staring at myself, because I will finally see glory for everything that He is.

rhymes with Hitoshi

2008-01-22T19:31:00.000-06:00

I figured I'd give it a whirl and selectively disclose aspects of my life to the world wide open Intertron Cyberweb.

Narcissism + Procrastinability = My Blog.

peace,
Tosh

P.S. My friend Tom made the logo. As you can tell, he gave up a promising career as a graphic designer to become a missionary in Chad with his wife--theirs is among the "Blogs I Read."