The Wilderness

I was working on a post last week all about the wilderness that I feel like I'm in right now. My friend calls it "the wasteland." I think I've been there since January or so, with a few good spells of refreshing (like the Lenten season). That's the short version, and I'll leave out all the blogtastically confessional melodramatic 'woe is me' details for now.

In the midst of the various things I'm dealing with and running away from, there is still the Gospel to contend with, of course. There are times when I'd rather actually be dealing with a whole wheelbarrow-ful of cow manure. But the truth of the Gospel isn't going away, and somehow it will bring redemption to the various fears and hurts and craziness. I feel like I need to run and hide a bit from various things and people (rightly or not), and hopefully the shelter I find is in the shadow of God's wings.

I'm learning about boasting all the more of my weaknesses (not one of my natural giftings). I'm definitely finding new things to boast about (I'll spare you here). Brick by brick, I need God to dismantle my false foundations--who I think I am, my identity and motivations apart from Christ. Who I'm being made into in Christ. I need to turn over every rock and repent. This could be a full time job.

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I don't want for this to just be a blog o' my woes and emotional vomit (and yes, I do have other genuinely inter-personal channels in which to deal with my crap), so here are some good things going on:

• in my current housing limbo, the Tullocks have graciously let me come and crash in their upstairs area for a couple weeks...the move a couple weekends ago was surprisingly smooth, and I've settled in as much as I can in just a two-week stay...I'll be moving again for the more indefinite future with another friend from church this coming Memorial Day weekend...
  

• my mother and I have been vaguely talking about it for about a year now, but just recently things came together via my brother and his housemate (who works at an Apple store, I think) to get me a new MacBook Pro...I've been getting by for the last year and a half on a borrowed Tangerine iBook, so this is a bit of a step up...first things first: importing all my CDs into iTunes...
  

• my friend Shannon and I are splitting a quarter-bushel share from the Community Supported Agriculture program of Avalon Acres farm...there's a food drop every Wednesday for 26 weeks...the first drop was a couple weeks ago, and the lettuce was scrumptious...last week's strawberries were amazing...I'm looking forward to the rest of the season's fun bounty...
  

• my friends the Langsdorfs safely had their baby girl, Grace, last week...can't wait to meet her...
  

• the unexpected (but not unwelcome) uptick in music stuff continues...I've been rehearsing with Seth Wood for an EP he's recording this weekend...I'll be rehearsing with Taylor Sorensen for his more acoustically-oriented side project, Kyiv, in preparation for a show in early June...and it's looking like I'll be sitting in on Treva and the Suits' CD release show at The Basement at the end of June...good stuff...but the extra work is keeping me up past my bedtime, for sure...

I suppose all of those could be summed up in the word Provision. Luxury, too, for some of them, but I'll tackle that idol another time.

Another little oasis was this past Friday evening. I went to my friends' wedding rehearsal over at the Tulip Street United Methodist Church here in East Nashville, and after the rehearsal they graciously let me crash the rehearsal dinner at The Acorn over by Centennial Park. At the end of that trying week, it was so good for me to be in the presence of so much joy and love among all kinds of family and friends, and I got to meet some great folks and just feel welcomed all around. The fellowship of the body of Christ, a beautiful blessed thing. And still but a shadow of the joy that awaits us. But thank God for those wonderful intimations of His abiding glory and presence. Things for me to remember in the midst of the soulache.

I know that Jesus is the answer. Sometimes I'm not sure how to get there, days when I feel more like I'm at the bottom of a pit. So He's going to have to come and rescue me. And I know that He is able.

He is able. Here's to a God whom death could not hold, who came to save His beloved, trading His glory to take on our skin and bones for a season out of eternity, who came to redeem what He created and created good. Let me rest assured of His beautiful love and favor upon me. Let me take Him at his word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

All other ground is sinking sand...

I have a new phone.

By which I mean, a new old phone. I am so averse to change, but my wireless plan (a since discontinued pay-as-you-go plan through Verizon that I've had for years now) was becoming less and less the bargain that it used to be as my usage has gone up, so I finally had to switch over to a conventional plan with a local Nashville area number.

My old phone will still be active for a while, with a voice mail greeting that tells you my new number. So please feel free to call that to get it, or email me, or ask me in person, "What's your new number? And what is that sexy new phone that you've got there?"

Speaking of which, I actually went through extra trouble to track down a recently discontinued model that has the closest interface to my old (long since discontinued) phone. The "new" one is an LG VX-3450. I don't even remember what my old model was--it was a gracious hand-me-down from my brother when I first got the aforementioned cell plan. And I only got that because I was going to be house-sitting for some friends for a few months in a place without a land line. I am a rather late adopter of new technologies. So be it.

Patience is easy for the first 10 minutes.

Actually, I feel relatively good about life right now. Here's a more mundane update on some other things that have been going on the last couple weeks, particularly on the music front.

I've been sitting in on rehearsals and gigs with Charlie Murphey's new band, Old Bear, some combination of bass and cello stuff. Did a bit of recording for an EP he's working on, too. He does good stuff, and it's been neat to see his music take a certain shape with a band behind it, giving him a chance to rock out a bit more with a rhythm section. So the last couple weeks have seen gigs at the Mercy Lounge, 12th & Porter, and now tonight at the Rutledge, opening for Drew Holcomb and Matthew Perryman Jones. Should be a good one.

But first up after work this afternoon is Siloam Family Health Center's volunteer appreciation party. I've been going there every Friday morning for a year now, and I love it. Usually I'm printing up various lists from their system and pulling charts for the upcoming clinic days, sometimes I get redirected to other little things that they need done. I am not medically inclined whatsoever, and I'm realizing that I'm even more squeamish about a lot of things than I thought I was. And that's ok. I have a place and a work to do there. I can partner with them in small ways, join them in their prayer times, show up for the culture-gram lunches, just chat with all the folks that I've gotten to know this last year, some of whom go to my church.

There's definitely something to be said for just showing up week after week, and I feel both a sense of belonging to and ownership of their labors. I feel loved and appreciated, and there are so many great folks--both staff and volunteer--who commit so much of their time and talents in the service of Siloam's mission: "to share the love of Christ by serving those in need through health care."

Your mistakes and your crimes...

...it hurts just to mention
Feel abandoned and alone in desert land
But every mess is a fruit that's ripe for redemption
If you only leave the harvest in his hands.


I'm starting to believe those last couple lines not just in the abstract, but in specific ways for my life. Something of a breakthrough. I tend to remember a lot of things really well, which can certainly be a good and useful thing, of course, but it can also mean holding on tightly to hurts and guilt and all that fun stuff. I'll leave it at that. Just to say that the long-term forecast is actually starting to look more than ok. God's ultimate victory over sin and death and darkness is already secured for us in Jesus Christ. Beautiful. Eric Peters has a song called "The Ending" (on his "Miracle of Forgetting" and "Bookmark" albums) that reminds me of this truth:

I want to know why we fall so hard
And why hope for tomorrow can seem so far away

Don't say it's over when the world's gone mad
I've seen the ending and it's not so bad
Don't say it's over when you lose your heart
'Cause the ending is where we start


Lent was a really good and fruitful time in terms of delving into Scripture, morning quiet times and evening writing times. I don't really know why, but since Easter it's been a pretty dry season, and I've just been riding it out this past month. But I feel like there's a renewing coming now, remembering and knowing that I am here to spend time with God, and what a true joy, peace, and comfort that can be. God's Kingdom breaking into my false little fortress. Thank God. I've had the U2 song "40" (off their "War" album) ringing in my head last night and this morning:

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song...


I read that psalm this morning and this was one of the verses that resonated--"my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me." I've definitely had a lot of heart failure of all sorts these last few months and weeks, reaping the fruit of my iniquities, falling down in repentance. And yet, there is ever and always God's steadfast love and faithfulness, His mercy, His grace.

I can wait. I think. I hope. God help.

Wednesdays are for crisis management.

The last two Wednesdays I've gotten calls to jump into situations that various friends were in the middle of. It's involved a lot of driving around and taking care of things in person, making too many phone calls, all kinds of craziness and some measure of stress. In the in-between time, I've had my own personal crap to deal with--a resurging awareness of my judgmental heart, my idolatrous heart, my overvaluing of others' good opinion of me--a lot of the same stuff that I was swimming through back in January and February, plus some unexpected extra goodness. I've already mentioned Sunday's freakout/meltdown.

I wrestle with questions like the line between selfless love, self sacrifice, seeking the welfare of others even at your own expense vs. taking care of myself and my own interests, being healthy. How do you do it? Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to love myself? How and when to say no?

If only I were so sure of God's absolute love for me and his abiding favor toward me, secured on my behalf by Christ's perfect labors. If only I actually believed it. I would be set free from feeling like I need to elevate myself above others, from my idolatry, from trying to plug my lifeline into things that can't fulfill me. Everywhere I turn is another false savior. I'll catch myself, repent, then do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would be set free to love completely and selflessly, without fear, without recoiling or judging, without agenda or self-interest. Set free to worship the only one who bears that ultimate worth. Set free to be wholly dependent on God. I keep on trying to smooth out my life so that I don't need Him, either by micro-managing my sin and avoiding certain situations, or by trying to do life all on my own.

On Tuesday, someone anonymously mailed me a gift card to a local organic grocery store called the Turnip Truck, with a note alluding to some of the ways I served last week (I assume last Wednesday's crisis). Under normal circumstances, I'd be curious to know who it was, but I could deal with the pleasant surprise, I think. But I wasn't really handling life too well just then and started minorly freaking out about it, just needing to know who it was so that I could clear out that bit of clutter in my headspace. I made some phone calls, no luck. I have a couple possible thoughts, but at this point, life has settled to a manageable level of inner turmoil where I don't have to know. I've been able to talk some things out with a couple friends, and it feels like there's a lot lot lot of work that God needs to do in my life about forgiveness, guilt, healing, paying it down, all across the board. And all the rest of it (see above). In the meantime, I'm just waiting for the next crisis. Probably another one of my own.

Give reviving, give refreshing, give the looked-for Jubilee...
- Albert Midlane ("Father, for Thy Promised Blessing")

What Do You Expect?

I can understand when I'm disappointed by the expectations that I have of other people and situations when I can recognize that my expectations are foolish or unrealistic or inappropriately placed. But there are times when I get blindsided by unmet expectations that I didn't even realize I had, since they seemed so logical that I took them for granted and they were just part of my thought process.

I know in the moments when I have a bit of perspective that people will disappoint, it's inevitable in a fallen world, and I disappoint and fail as much as any other. And I can't just ditch all my expectations--they happen so naturally, and even if it were possible, it's probably not a good thing. Something about cynicism. It is what it is, and these are opportunities for me to turn again to God's faithfulness and sure and steady presence.

I suppose I'm saying all this against the backdrop of a sermon my pastor preached in early January where the central image was that of Jacob, laboring seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage, only to be hoodwinked by sneaky uncle Laban and wake up on that first wedding morning to Leah instead. All our Rachel expectations met by Leah disappointments. There's only one who is faithful and true. I am certainly not he.

Otherwise, I'm experiencing some of the same mysterious malaise that weighed me down back in January/February. I think I know what it is, but still, it's a bother. And some of the same tensions as always between human being vs. human doing. Put all that together and Sunday was a crazy day, with some unexpected falling apart.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

There's a brain/heart disconnect right now on knowing that that's true.

04+04=08

It's been a month. Maybe I'll do better this month. Probably not. Though I finally put my taxes in the mail, so I feel more free to spend a bit of time here. I'm just not that good at quickly spitting out the minutiae of my life on a semi-daily basis. I'm sure you've missed me. I, on the other hand, spend a lot of time with me.

March went by just as quickly as February, and I felt it. A lot of burners going on at once right now, mostly church stuff. Grateful for my job. It's not ideal, but it (and life) could certainly be a whole lot worse.

Looking forward to the new Weepies album later this month, Hideaway. Heard a bit of Daniel Lanois' new one a couple months ago on the road to a gig with a friend. Here Is What Is. Also on the list. That and Tim Keller's "The Reason for God" and this collection of Puritan prayers called "The Valley of Vision."

Heading off shortly to a church retreat out at Camp NaCoMe this weekend. Should be an excellent time of getting away, spending time with friends, casting vision for our church. I went last year, and a year later I know more people and know them more deeply, so I'm certainly looking forward to it.

And they filmed me earlier this week doing silly things playing cello for some skit material. We shall see.

Time will march its ordered way...

Steady steps of numbered days
And I will try to walk by faith
Unless my sight leads me astray


February flew by, even with the quadrennial bonus day. Went out to Percy Priest Lake with some friends to watch the lunar eclipse on Wednesday, February 20, 2008. Feels like astronomological phenomena require a full date. This is what I remember, encapsulated in an expression of my national poetry, le haiku.

Moon, where goest thou?
This is taking forever.
Let's find a Starbucks.

Actually, it was quite fun, cold but not too cold, good time hanging out, new friends, fun dog. I had been feeling myself getting sick over the course of that day, and that only progressed into a somewhat unpleasant flu over the next few days with a pretty high fever. I generally don't enjoy wacthing movies on my own, but forced bed rest time included re-watching Shadowlands (Attenborough/Hopkins/Winger version), watching Lifeboat (Hitchcock/Steinbeck, 1944), and re-watching Good Night, and Good Luck.

Went to Birmingham this past weekend to see a college friend and also to participate in a dance/music improvisation rehearsal that she was running for the Sanspointe Dance Company at the Children's Dance Foundation. Also enjoyed this natural foods grocery store called Tria and the excellent Continental Bakery. And some amazing spring/summer weather. Return visits to the city are in order. I still need to see the Vulcan Statue.

Just to clarify, I contributed music (upright & cello) to the creative process. Not dance. Not in public (though not for any theological reasons--I enjoy movement and dancing. As long as nobody's watching me.)

Got to sing on the worship team for the first time this past Sunday. That was a blast, particularly since I didn't have to lug all my instruments and gear. That was a treat.

On the docket for this week are:

• Tonight: church prayer meeting
• Thursday: pot luck and art project display with my neighborhood group at the middle school where we do our reading program
• Saturday: church poverty simulation workshop

Also curious what today brings for the Democratic primary race.

"L" is for...

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

I John 3:16-18, 23
Matthew 22:36-39
John 13:34-35, 15:13
Matthew 5:43-45
Ephesians 2:4-10
I John 4:7-12, 16-19

English Standard Version

Yay for America

I voted today.

I have warm fuzzies inside for my country.