Poison, Wine, & Honey

I will say more about my September soon, I think.

But for now, here's a very recent video of me and my friend Haley playing one of her newest songs together. We'd only rehearsed a couple times in preparation for a house show that we played together just this past Sunday night (our first time doing a show together). I really enjoyed working out parts and ideas and figuring out ways to complement her songs, and I'm proud of my contributions to this one. She's lovely and talented, as you will see.

Control Freak

I don't like not being in control. I don't like not knowing what's going on. I give grace with strings attached, conditions for future change, or else resentment when people fail to meet up to my standards. I am very much unlike God, and yet I still manage to make myself god. How pitiful and pathetic.

I know that the antidote to these particular bits of selfishness is to trust in Jesus. But it's so much easier for me to trust in the things that I can see and touch: money, friends, job, whatever. Even though I know that they will let me down--moreover, that trusting in those finite, fleeting things (not necessarily evil things) will be the death of me. Really.

I think it's because I don't know my Savior. I could expand on that any number of ways, but right now I'll try to rest in the fact that he knows me. Deeply and truly, better than I know myself. He knows me. He loves me. Even when I don't feel it. He is present.

But where is he? It's not that I feel completely untethered from him, but I certainly don't feel deeply connected. Oh, that he would reveal himself to me more and more. That I would be open and obedient to his wooing me. That his mercies would truly be new to me every day. That I would know the depth of his love, the limitlessness of his peace, and the sufficiency of his grace in my every weakness.

Oh, me of little faith! Oh, soul, call upon--and fall upon--your great savior: Jesus Christ!

little gods with little g's

my heart is an idol factory. it takes things--people, possessions, goals, whatever--and elevates them beyond their right worth. elevates them to be little gods in my life. little gods that i must have and control on my own terms, and all the while they control me. i feel disappointment and elation, self-confidence and self-worthlessness, all based on how they're going in my life from moment to moment. they own me, and i don't let them get away easily. cause i'm stubborn stubborn stubborn.

i give my heart away so easily. mostly to people (read: girls). i sometimes wonder if i have an even greater predilection for it than most other guys. replaying interactions to parse the subtle signs. daydreaming imaginary conversations. i see it happening step by step--churning out another idol off the production line.

in every instance, how quickly do i turn away from the false twist i make--even of true and good and right things in life--and turn back to Jesus. my compass. my light. my peace. my shepherd. my savior. the only one who fully knows everything that is good for me. who desires and ordains all this good for me.

JESUS IS THE LOVER THAT I LONG FOR

i know that i can't change me. i can only have confidence in God's ability to change me. to humble my proud heart. to draw me deeper and deeper into love and worship of him. away from the false gods of my own shoddy making. i have no other true hope.

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee
Surely His goodness and mercy shall daily attend thee
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do
If with His love He befriend thee.

29

Today was a pretty emotionally draining day, and not because it was/is my birthday.

I finally got my car back after nearly two weeks in the shop and a lot of minor frustrations along the way. I'm grateful to have it back, and I'm grateful for various things that made it a manageable expense right now. I was able to get by without it in the interim, and that was great, but I realized that one of the reasons I like having a car is the flexibility to respond to needs to serve when they pop up unexpectedly.

Like tonight.

A late semi-crisis that made me heartbroken, then distressed, then angry, all while brainstorming solutions. Thankfully, it's reached a temporary stable point for a couple days, and we'll try to find a more medium- and then long-term solution soon. It wasn't a personal crisis, but it was within the body of Christ that I am a part of, and I felt deep deep grief over it, to the point of tears. This is the body of Christ; this is family. I couldn't possibly go and do what I was planning on doing--treating myself to a late meal and a glass of wine at a nice restaurant--when someone who is my family was in the middle of a life-consuming shit-storm and on the verge of homelessness.

I'm being stupidly vague. Before that there was an earlier non-personal-but-family non-crisis that I was powerless to do anything about, though I was on the phone a bit trying to figure out solutions. Sort of.

More stupid vagueness. I'm feeling emotionally drained, and it's just Monday, and this week is looking to be quite full.

I recently put a finger on the fact that service is one of the ways that I experience joy in Christ.

Jesus loves me.

I'll leave it at that.

Lately

Plenty going on, but not a whole ton to say.

This past week was pretty exhausting with birthday parties, dinner parties, a show (on bass--I haven't done that in a while), and a recording session (on cello) for a worship project that I'm a part of. Plus a full weekend with the East Nashville Tomato Art Festival going on (say what?) and seeing a friend play a show last night and then playing again myself tonight after church with this guy.

I think/hope God is teaching me about: discipline (as in, being disciplined), patience and not pushing my agendas, holding my ground when I need to, my insecurities when it comes to music, all sorts of stuff.

I've got a college friend coming into town this week for a couple days, so I'm looking forward to that visit and taking her around my city. Lots of good shows to catch the rest of this month, too.

I have no end of need for Jesus.

Sometimes that truth is wonderfully freeing, redemptive, beautiful, comforting, a steady light in the swirling darkness.

Other times it feels like a frustrating burden, tiring in its cycles, probably because I'd rather save myself some other way or just have my way, period.

Just being honest.

Run Some More ?!?

I'm mostly just posting this to achieve for the first time ever four consecutive days of posting something.

I ran with the East Nasties this evening, my first time doing that. It's the local running group that my friend Mark organizes, and I know various folks from church who trained for the half-marathon back in April with this running group. They do Wednesday evening and Sunday morning runs. This was today's route, more or less. I had stopped by Mark's house on my way home after work, so we caught up a bit and he convinced me to come out for the run. It's not something that I would have been able to do back a few months ago, so I'm grateful for those past personal burdens having been lifted so that I could feel more free to step out in a new way.

I only knew a handful of the 50-70 people there, so I was a bit intimidated at first, but then the run started, and I chatted with a friend, met a new friend, made it back, hung around a bit, then ran the almost-mile from the rendez-vous point back to my house. It was good--I will plan on doing this again whenever I'm able.

Tomorrow I'm planning on seeing Sandra McCracken do her CD release show (a live album of a house show she did back in the winter) down at 3rd and Lindsley. Should be excellent.

Perhaps I will blog about it afterwards. Or not.

Stockholm Syndrome

It's finally here and definitely worth checking out.

Run!

Actually, I suppose the exclamation point is a bit unnecessary. I'm generally not that enthused about running. I do it to keep in slightly better shape that I otherwise would be. I started running back in December, and I usually run 0-2 times per week (by myself), typically around 4.5 miles each time out. I'm pretty slow, usually around a 10-minute mile pace.

So today after work I took the industrial route. 6 miles in about 65 minutes (I've only done 6+ miles one other time). I always try to have at least some part of the run be something that I haven't run before. This time I headed south from my house and followed the river west towards downtown. The riverfront on the east side is not like the riverfront near downtown. It's an underutilized industrial zone with warehouses and a scrap metal processing plant and a Citgo gasoline receiving station with immense cylindrical tanks. If it were darker, I might have been a bit more apprehensive, running underneath highway overpasses and past vacant commercial buildings before I reached the local football stadium around the halfway mark. But I enjoyed seeing some new places--you always notice more when you walk or run than on a drive.

For example, on Main Street (again, Main Street on the east side is not like Broadway downtown) I took a closer look at the most random old billboard that I know I've driven past dozens of times. It was for Holiday World--where they have the world's largest or tallest or otherwise most superlative (who's checking, really?) water ride or something. In Santa Claus, Indiana. Three hours away. I don't know if they really thought through their marketing strategy when they decided to advertise their attraction right near our favorite sketchy liquor store.

I also ran by a couple walk-up (non-enclosed) phone booths, with the word "Phone" on a placard at the top. It made me think about technology and obsolescence and blah blah blah (or Bob Loblaw). I also imagined putting a little "i" in front of the sign and how silly it would be to see an "iPhone Booth" somewhere out there. I'm sure there's an app for that, too.

I was a bit undercaloried today, so the run definitely tuckered me out. Good night.

Non Sequiturs

I tend to replay my interactions with various people in my mind a lot. Occasionally the introspection is useful. Most of the time it's not that constructive. Probably even counter-productive to a healthy inner life. I need to tell myself to get past it and keep moving on, not get stuck in the past, etc. And slap myself in the face.

We have a new housemate as of last weekend, just for the next few months before he can move into another place with friends in October. It's been cool with three of us in the house.

I haven't been sleeping that well in general, and my body doesn't really let me sleep in, even when it would be pretty useful. So I try to do something for an hour or so (like blog, read, eat breakfast, do devotions) before attempting a re-nap, or at least rest for my eyes and mind.

Yesterday evening was spent with a few friends at a pot-luck grill-out sit-down dinner on a front porch--thankfully covered from the huge rain. Fireworks could be seen only via television. It was a lovely time, a far cry from the total freak-out I remember having last year on July 4th weekend.

A couple months ago a friend called me over to take care of a dead mouse in her basement. Last night I think I had a dream where this same friend called me over to help her with a calculus problem. Mercifully, my dream seemed to have then moved on to something else entirely and spared my subconscious the angst of actually trying to solve the derivative. That might have qualified as a nightmare.

I'm currently reading a friend's copy of "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. Not life-changing, but I've been enjoying it. It's fun reading other people's books when they've made underlinings and notes in the margins. Little glimpses into their thoughts.

I'll be going home to Massachusetts for a week later this month, where I plan to find my copy of Harry Potter VI that I left there and start re-reading it. I could use a good fun read for my imagination. Although it does get pretty intense at the end in that cave. Ugh.

On Friday I went to see a documentary on the making of Derek Webb's forthcoming album, Stockholm Syndrome. The hour-long film was excellent, and I learned in the end credits that it was made by a very talented friend of mine. Well done, Brannon.

Then I got to listen to the album start to finish at a local coffeeshop where they played it over a PA. Full of electronic sounds and programmed beats with a bit of an edge. I really dig it. Makes me want to dance. Or blast it in my car driving at night. A couple of songs with soaringly beautiful lines. Some heartwrenching calls to love the other. Trademark DW writing. Street date on the hard copy album is September 1, but release date for digital download is this Tuesday (7/7/09).

A few months ago I set my Facebook to display in French. I like it.

That is all. It's been a good long weekend so far, restful and not restless, for the most part. But I feel the Sunday restlessness coming on. Perhaps I can go back to bed now.