The Inner Voice of Love

A friend of mine recently gave me this book by Henri Nouwen as a thank-you gift for some work that I did for his wedding. It's a collection of journal entries from the hardest, darkest time of Nouwen's life, December 1987 to June 1988. It's meant to be read slowly, savored and meditated upon. I've only read a handful of entries so far, each is a couple paragraphs to a couple pages long, and it's been rich and fulfilling and challenging reading. It puts succinct words to the core issues I'm dealing with this season--my relationship with God, with other people, with myself and my identity. It's a mixture of comfort and calling to action, even if that action is mostly just resting in God's love.

I am a restless person, so that can be a hard step of faith for me. Stepping out of my pride and fear, out of my right-ness, out of all the other things I look to to fill me up and make my life work. Taking God at His word, knowing what that even is. Something about the compromises of being human and fallen and having to love imperfectly. There is still and ever and always a perfect love, and I hope I'm re-learning to hear (and heed) His voice.

Our pastor at church started preaching on forgiveness and reconciliation last week, and he will be continuing that topic in his sermon this week. So today I'm re-listening to a Tim Keller sermon on the same theme that a good friend of mine gave to me when we were working through some issues last year. I've listened to it a handful of times since then, and it continues to be encouraging. I need it spoken into my life; I need to preach it to myself, the Gospel truth.

We'll be singing one of my favorite hymns at church tonight, "Abide With Me," a re-setting with a gorgeous new melody, so I'll close with these words by Henry Lyte:

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Stuff

I'm a little ambivalent about Stuff. I can certainly enjoy bright, shiny new things, but even with Stuff that I know I would be able to use (certain kitchen devices come to mind...or a bed, for that matter), if I don't already own it, I just get by without. A lot of my clothes are hand-me-downs, things that I've had for years, and I don't like to throw things out if they're still at least functional. I own virtually no furniture, so I have to depend on whatever else my house mates may have for the common spaces. So it's not that I don't believe in Stuff, I just try to avoid accumulating that much of it. The trend started in college, when every year I'd find myself taking more Stuff back home that I just didn't need. I moved to Nashville with just what could fit into my station wagon, plus a roof carrier thingee. Most of that space was my instruments, then kitchen things, then some clothes. I've gotten a bit more Stuff over the last year and a half, but even now I can still move everything I have in 3 loads of my car, no truck necessary.

It helps that I don't really enjoy shopping. Even buying groceries can take me an inordinate amount of time. And I don't tend to impulse buy. Potential purchases will sit in my amazon cart, saved for later, for months, or just on a list of things to pick up when the need arises.

Well, the time finally came to pick up a few of those things, so I geared myself up for a trip to Target right after work yesterday. I actually wasn't dreading it too much. Yes, this is all pretty mundane, but here is the list of Stuff I purchased. With annotations. In no particular order.

• Drying Rack - one of those collapsible, multi-level thingees...growing up we had a clothesline, and using a clothes dryer is one of my big fat compromises...so I'm still using the dryer for my smaller things, but hanging up the larger pieces...
• Clothespins - see above
  
• Wastebasket - one of those cheap little plastic things...since I moved a month and a half ago, I've been hanging a plastic grocery bag on the doorknob...now I can put that plastic grocery bag in an appropriately sized plastic shell...
  
• Black Curtain - I'm a light sleeper, and my eyes are particularly sensitive to light...the existing window covering--one of those bamboo slatted things--wasn't exactly made for blocking light, so I finally got the curtain to hopefully help me sleep a bit better...
• Curtain Rod - see above
• Safety Pins - in case I needed to pin up the excess curtain...and really, they're second only to duct tape in terms of potential utility...
• House Slippers - I got a pair from a Target up in Massachusetts (I think) just before I moved down here in October 2006...the left slipper is still doing fine, but the right slipper has been on its last legs for a few months now, gradually falling apart in chunks, bit by bit...so I finally got another pair...
• 9V Batteries - these things are never on sale, of course, which is understandable...our smoke detector has been beeping every morning for a couple weeks now...we pulled the battery last week, but it's probably a better idea to replace it and turn the alarm back on...which is what I did this morning...
  
• Greeting Cards - I prefer using blank greeting cards for whatever occasion, so I'm usually on the lookout for nice ones if I see any...these can add up, though...grrr...
• Plain White Unscented Candles - I have one non-functioning candle...these are its replacements...
• Tablecloths - two of them, cotton, 5'x7', mismatched but on clearance for $3.24 a piece...I'm hosting a dinner gathering on Tuesday...I'll probably put two 4' tables together, one square, one round (because that's what we have in the house)...and it was cheaper to get the two cotton ones rather than one vinyl tablecloth that would have been long enough on its own...plus, cotton, mmm...
• Junk Food - sigh, yes, I treated myself...I mean, some of you might be able to assemble that whole shopping cart in a matter of minutes...I was there for over two and a half hours...no, really...I don't even know how that happened...at least it was still light out when I left, thankfully...
  

Anyway, I could easily have spent much more money on a bunch more Stuff last night. Most of it would have even been useful, probably. There must be millions of dollars of Stuff in every big box retailer in the country. Like I said, I'm a little ambivalent about Stuff, that's all.

Tonight we'll be celebrating and sending off a friend of ours who's returning to New Zealand after working in Nashville and being a part of our community here for over a year. I have very much appreciated his friendship and his good-natured kindness, and he will be missed. I'm not crying, it's just raining. On my face.

In the meantime, I've been steadily crossing things off my to do list today:

• Assemble drying rack--check
• Clean off patio furniture--check
• Blog--check
  

There, But For The Grace Of God, Go I

I got some more experience with the Davidson County criminal justice system this evening after work.

I hardly know how to start processing it all, but I was at least struck by that first thought.

Midway Point

We are halfway on our way to the year 4016. Here's a mid-year report.

I have lived at 4 different addresses so far this half-calendar year. That is unusual for me, but it's all made sense and felt like I was in the right place at each point, I think. And in my current place, sharing a house with a friend of mine, I finally feel comfortable in the space as a whole--able to be at rest and enjoy leisure and also be productive--not feeling like I need to retreat back to my room by default.

Looking back, I actually remember that in the weeks before the naissance of this blog (namely, January 2008) there was a good bit of unfamiliar life experience stuff going on for me, largely external to me but within my immediate circle of friends. I'll leave it ambiguous like that, but it was an eye-opening time that I was able to share with several of my friends who were also involved.

Otherwise, the half-year has seen some increased responsibilities at church, both deepening and estranged friendships, and the challenges of engaging in community across cultural boundaries in a semi-committed way . That's kinda vague (and uppity) to say it that way, but I do have concrete things in mind.

This current season is also marked by the fact of where I am not: Vermont. The Green Mountain State. More cows than people and refreshingly pungent cow-ish odors in the summertime. Middlebury, VT, is where I've been for 8 of the last 10 summers, both as a student and staff member for a French language immersion program at the college there. Some of my friends are there now starting another session this week, and I have a small nibblet of nostalgia to think that I could be there now as well. But I knew even before I returned last summer that it would be my last time there, and that was even more clear to me at the end of the session. I definitely burnt myself out last year, but my experiences as a whole were fantastic, with some great friendships, good hard work and challenges and learning both in and out of the classroom, and opportunities to reconnect with my home communities there, where I would feel welcome and at home after months and months away. Vous me manquez toutes et tous.

Nashville is where I'm supposed to be. Unless I decide to up and run away from all my troubles, in which case, you will find me in either Seattle or San Francisco, stirring up fresh trouble, of course.

But in the meantime, for the next few months, I will continue to receive fresh vegetables every week (at least one reason to stick it out here). Yum.

There's been a lot of music. And weddings. And music at weddings.

July will slow down. Please.

Lastly, here's a prayer I've been coming back to a good bit these last few months, from a book called The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.


The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
     where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up,
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime, stars can be seen from deepest wells,
     and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.

Work

So, I have a job, one that I've had for a little over a year now, minus my escapades in Vermont last summer. Technically my current job is part-time, but it's more or less the standard 9 to 5 with some wiggle room, and it pays the bills. I feel like music is definitely another job for me, as it is for a whole ton of folks here in Nashville ("Music City," we call ourselves), where I'm sometimes putting in upwards of 10-15 hours in a given week for prep and rehearsal and gigging when it's busy. Plus the things I do for my church--another few hours a week, and generally pretty much always in the back of my mind. Everybody's (hopefully) got those things in their lives that are fruitful labors, monetarily remunerated or not, juggled together with everything else that fills up the hours and days--rest/sleep, cook/eat, play soccer, read, socialize, do nothing time--let alone be married and raise a family for some of you all.

The idea was floated out there of paying me a bit for the things that I do for church, especially as the reponsibilities (and stress) have grown a bit the last few months compared to the stuff I started with last fall. I haven't figured that one out yet--the whole idea of Paul's having the rights of an apostle to earn his living off the Gospel, but choosing not to so that the Gospel would be free to all (I Corinthians 9). This isn't exactly that situation, but I haven't figured it out yet. I mean, I've certainly accepted honorariums in the past for the work I've done for and with my two home churches in Vermont, leading worship or directing the choir for a season. And that felt right, I appreciated their gestures of thanks for my labors at the end of those seasons, and because those churches were small, I felt like it came from each of the congregations as a whole as a gift back to me. But if it were to be a regular weekly paid job-esque thing, hmm...

If this were the kind of blog that solicited comments, here's where I'd say, "So what do you all think?" But, alas, it is not. And I like the illusion of not knowing exactly who's reading this and then being pleasantly surprised when someone mentions it to me. I mean, it's out there and public, I know, and I have no qualms about that. But since I feel more comfortable with my online community (facebook, myspace, blog) reflecting my real-life (offline? non-cyberspace? supra-virtual?) community, you all for the most part know how to reach me by other means anyways.

Not that you need to, that's really just a side point and a corollary to the fact that I am a late adopter to new technologies.

That is all. Back to work, in one or more of its various guises.

Kyiv

Great show tonight at The Rutledge playing with Taylor Sorensen's acoustic side project, Kyiv. We were minus our keyboard/accordion player, so I took a bit more of the instrumental slack on cello. And I felt pretty good about it, thought I played pretty well overall, with a few moments that felt really solid. Video may or may not show up here in a few days. We added a couple songs tonight that we didn't do earlier this month at the Basement show, songs from his other band, The Trigger Code. I charted them out as he played them for me after sound check tonight, then played them for the first time in the show itself. And it worked out, actually had some of my favorite moments there. We even got an encore from the appreciative crowd of friends--an encore in the old-school sense of the word, since we had already played all the songs we knew, so we played our first song encore une fois à la fin du concert.

Most of the time I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to my playing. All kinds of things that I can get down on myself about. But there are also times like tonight when, even with a few mistakes here and there, spontaneous and excellent things happen because a group of people are making music and trying to create honest beauty in a live setting, before a responsive and engaged and encouraging (albeit small) audience. It reminds me what I love about making music and creating. Or just listening to music for that matter--hearing some great David Wilcox songs that I hadn't heard before as my house mate played them for me this past weekend, for example.

My friend Eric is starting to record his new project, with Ben Shive producing. Ben's own long-awaited, long-in-the-making solo project finally comes out this week, "The Ill-Tempered Klavier." Matthew Jones has a new one coming out in August, "Swallow the Sea." Saw him play some of the new material live with a band last month, and it's fantastic. Hear a couple tracks on his myspace, plus some tracks from his excellent last record, "Throwing Punches in the Dark."

So much music out there, I love it. It's a lot of who I am, who and what I think I'm supposed to be, as best I can.

In the meantime...

It's a dreary overcast day in Nashville. A good day for reading, watching Euro 2008, and procrastinating from some music homework that I should get done. Some comfort for the day:

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm 73:21-26)

Breakthrough

Last night I went over to my friends' house for a surprise anniversary party that the husband was throwing for the wife. A lot of friends from our church community were there for the surprise and the grill-out and well-wishes and celebration of their marriage. It was a great time of hanging out and good conversation and just having fun together. One of my favorite moments was a hilarious conversation I had with a couple friends about movies--a chance to talk about something other than how sub-par I feel like I'm doing lately. Invaluable. And I needed the reminders that I am still a part of this community that I've started to get a little burnt out in lately.

At a certain point, the gathering transitioned into a second phase--most of the guests had left, someone plugged in their iPod, turned it up, and yes, we had a dance party in their living room. Just as things were starting to roll, a friend of mine was leaving, and I considered getting a quick ride home with her, since I had walked there. But I stayed, knowing that this would be one of the best opportunities for me to let go of some of my baggage.

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I do not dance in public. I enjoy dancing and movement when no one else is around, but I am just too self-conscious and inhibited in the company of other people, even good friends. When I'm around other people dancing to music that makes me want to move, I'll scurry on by and make some surreptitious, subtle body movements (in time to the music) as I make my way over to neutral ground.

But last night, instead of hanging back and hiding out in a side room, I willed myself into it, moving my arms and legs and hands and feet and head and body to the beat, just a handful of friends around. I certainly don't know any moves, was hardly familiar with the music that was playing, at times imitating the others, at times closing my eyes and just moving, at times unsure of myself. I have no idea how I looked to the other folks there. I also know that they didn't care one bit. Every now and then I'd get self-conscious, but for the first time in my life really, I would let it go and dance and enjoy it. Don't know what it'll be like the next time, but I am so grateful for the chance to find that moment of freedom and be a little bit more of myself.

Happenings

Show last night at the Basement with Old Bear and Kyiv was actually pretty solid, despite some minor mishaps and my own stumblings and intonation issues whenever I can't hear what's going on, which is semi-often when there's no time to do a sound check (that's just a cheap excuse--I'd have those problems on almost any gig involving a sound system, sigh). But a couple proud moments, too--I particularly liked a solo that I took on the last song of the night. Good music that I can enjoy with good friends whom I care about. I think it's the kind of gig that I'm looking for. I'm still figuring out where and how the music all fits into my life. Art. Beauty. Not sucking. But after a busy month and a half of rehearsals and gigs and recording, I've got a couple quieter weeks, I think, before things pick back up again in the second half of the month.

Went to a few of the plenary sessions of the Christian Community Health Fellowship annual conference here in Nashville last weekend, courtesy of the clinic I volunteer at. I am not a medical professional, of course, but since the central theme was the Kingdom of God, a lot of what the speakers were sharing was a broad call toward a focus on God's Kingdom and what we as followers of Christ are called to be/do in bringing that to bear in whatever spheres we find ourselves in. So it was good, I appreciated a lot of it, resonated with various things I've been thinking about as I've become steadily invested in my church community, its vision and my family there and our sense of place in East Nashville.

The weekend before that (Memorial Day weekend) I was a groomsman in a special little wedding here in town. A lot of folks poured out a lot of effort and energy and giftings to make it a really lovely celebration. All I had to do was show up in my tux. The next day I moved in with a friend of mine, so I'm finally a bit more settled, at least for the semi-indefinite future. Then spent the next day helping out a friend of mine from church who runs something called The Bridge (a program of the local YMCA), joining up with a bunch of folks for some cleaning and organizing and setting up for their summer enrichment program at a local middle school. Seems like it's pretty amazing and intense. They just started up this week.

What next? I might help out this weekend on a work project with some church friends for the Barefoot Republic summer camp. Or I might just have a quiet day. The push/pull of wanting to be busy and co-laboring with friends, but trying to take seriously my need for a bit of rest, too. We'll see, it's a game-time decision.

And yeah, I guess all those paragraphs are about things and programs and events and labors where you can see the Kingdom of God breaking through and transforming our life and culture and relationships, etc.

And it's June. Whaddya know.

The Wilderness

I was working on a post last week all about the wilderness that I feel like I'm in right now. My friend calls it "the wasteland." I think I've been there since January or so, with a few good spells of refreshing (like the Lenten season). That's the short version, and I'll leave out all the blogtastically confessional melodramatic 'woe is me' details for now.

In the midst of the various things I'm dealing with and running away from, there is still the Gospel to contend with, of course. There are times when I'd rather actually be dealing with a whole wheelbarrow-ful of cow manure. But the truth of the Gospel isn't going away, and somehow it will bring redemption to the various fears and hurts and craziness. I feel like I need to run and hide a bit from various things and people (rightly or not), and hopefully the shelter I find is in the shadow of God's wings.

I'm learning about boasting all the more of my weaknesses (not one of my natural giftings). I'm definitely finding new things to boast about (I'll spare you here). Brick by brick, I need God to dismantle my false foundations--who I think I am, my identity and motivations apart from Christ. Who I'm being made into in Christ. I need to turn over every rock and repent. This could be a full time job.

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I don't want for this to just be a blog o' my woes and emotional vomit (and yes, I do have other genuinely inter-personal channels in which to deal with my crap), so here are some good things going on:

• in my current housing limbo, the Tullocks have graciously let me come and crash in their upstairs area for a couple weeks...the move a couple weekends ago was surprisingly smooth, and I've settled in as much as I can in just a two-week stay...I'll be moving again for the more indefinite future with another friend from church this coming Memorial Day weekend...
  

• my mother and I have been vaguely talking about it for about a year now, but just recently things came together via my brother and his housemate (who works at an Apple store, I think) to get me a new MacBook Pro...I've been getting by for the last year and a half on a borrowed Tangerine iBook, so this is a bit of a step up...first things first: importing all my CDs into iTunes...
  

• my friend Shannon and I are splitting a quarter-bushel share from the Community Supported Agriculture program of Avalon Acres farm...there's a food drop every Wednesday for 26 weeks...the first drop was a couple weeks ago, and the lettuce was scrumptious...last week's strawberries were amazing...I'm looking forward to the rest of the season's fun bounty...
  

• my friends the Langsdorfs safely had their baby girl, Grace, last week...can't wait to meet her...
  

• the unexpected (but not unwelcome) uptick in music stuff continues...I've been rehearsing with Seth Wood for an EP he's recording this weekend...I'll be rehearsing with Taylor Sorensen for his more acoustically-oriented side project, Kyiv, in preparation for a show in early June...and it's looking like I'll be sitting in on Treva and the Suits' CD release show at The Basement at the end of June...good stuff...but the extra work is keeping me up past my bedtime, for sure...

I suppose all of those could be summed up in the word Provision. Luxury, too, for some of them, but I'll tackle that idol another time.

Another little oasis was this past Friday evening. I went to my friends' wedding rehearsal over at the Tulip Street United Methodist Church here in East Nashville, and after the rehearsal they graciously let me crash the rehearsal dinner at The Acorn over by Centennial Park. At the end of that trying week, it was so good for me to be in the presence of so much joy and love among all kinds of family and friends, and I got to meet some great folks and just feel welcomed all around. The fellowship of the body of Christ, a beautiful blessed thing. And still but a shadow of the joy that awaits us. But thank God for those wonderful intimations of His abiding glory and presence. Things for me to remember in the midst of the soulache.

I know that Jesus is the answer. Sometimes I'm not sure how to get there, days when I feel more like I'm at the bottom of a pit. So He's going to have to come and rescue me. And I know that He is able.

He is able. Here's to a God whom death could not hold, who came to save His beloved, trading His glory to take on our skin and bones for a season out of eternity, who came to redeem what He created and created good. Let me rest assured of His beautiful love and favor upon me. Let me take Him at his word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

All other ground is sinking sand...