My father passed away fifteen years ago today. It was a Tuesday. I was a freshman in college, a few hours away by car. I had gotten a call in the middle of the night on Sunday and got picked up Monday morning by some family friends, so I was able to get home and go to the hospital and everything.
Soon it will be more than half my life without him than with him. In terms of my conscious life of memories, it's already reached that threshold, I suppose. I don't really know what to think of all that. I sort of don't even know what I'm missing--who I've become and who he would have been and what our relationship would have been like as I became more of an independent adult. Whatever milestones he's missed (hard to see those things from here).
Both my grandfathers had already passed away before I was born, and both my grandmothers since then. I think about death fairly freely. My own. My mother or brother's. Family friends. It's not so much "frequently" as much as it is a regular undercurrent, a perspective that I have on life. I don't think that it's too morbid. (Maybe it is.)
In light of that, I try not to assume my life and the steady steps of numbered days. Sometimes it helps color my interactions with loved ones--not taking them for granted and not assuming that I'll see them or talk to them again. And I think that's a good thing. Heartbeats and breaths--smooth muscle cells that I can't control, after all.
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Lately I feel like life has been more disappointment than joy. More fear than freedom. I feel like I've lost touch with the transformative power of the Gospel working itself out in real ways in my real life. It's easier for me to dwell on the broken and the unsatisfying than on the restoration and redemption of those sad, disappointing, frustrating, tiresome, heavy things.
Prayer of a certain kind comes easy--the immediate, the conversational, the pleading and crying out and thanking. The community around me (whatever that means) is good, I think. But I want a magic bullet. I want the easy. I want what I want. And when I don't get what I want, my brain is able to be rational and grateful to God for keeping me from what he would not have me have. But the rest of me is just wondering when it's all gonna change and when I'm going to be satisfied, content, happy, at peace in Christ.
Which I suppose isn't the point, looking to some future time. Today is the day and right now is the moment. Repentance and returning. Resisting and rejecting. Rejoicing and...resting.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
09 February 2014
24 December 2009
Living with Integrity
One of the themes of the last few months for me has been the idea of living with integrity. In everything. Feeling convicted about that in different spheres of my life this fall and how all-encompassing that can be. And how it can be exhausting to pursue that on your own strength. But good and humbling to be convicted of new ways that I don't live with integrity--new revelations of how I need Jesus.
Some time ago, my friend introduced me to this blog by a friend of hers. For whatever reason, the last few posts only just showed up in my google reader feed a couple days ago, but here are a couple excerpts that I found encouraging:
It's Christmas Eve. I plan on seeing Where The Wild Things Are this afternoon at the second run theater near my home, and then my mother and I will be picking my brother up from the airport. We've been a family of three for over ten years now. It still feels a little strange. We have a lot in common, and a lot that's different, of course. Family is so interesting. It happens in so many different ways, and then there's this whole other story of being adopted into God's family, becoming co-heirs with Jesus. But family is that weird thing that you don't choose, for all its blessings and dysfunctions.
I've neglected the beauty and anticipation of Advent this year. And suddenly Christmas is here. I do want Jesus to come and restore all things once and for all. But there are things that I want to see happen before then, right? Ways for the Kingdom to come and take shape around me and in my life and in the lives of those I love, before the end of our time. Maybe you know what I mean.
Here he comes, let us adore him.
Some time ago, my friend introduced me to this blog by a friend of hers. For whatever reason, the last few posts only just showed up in my google reader feed a couple days ago, but here are a couple excerpts that I found encouraging:
God grew in those moments (or maybe I finally shrank). I realized how big he was, and how small I was. He is in control and I can enjoy breathing. I can enjoy Him. Nothing is required of me. I am accepted by that which is greater than me. And I am safe there.
Intimacy with Christ often leads us to go backwards in comparison with what the world values. Though God may want to teach much through me, give much, love much, and perform much at some point, I appreciate so much this emphasis on being unimportant, unwise, and irrelevant.
Community is always around, and it has been my pride that has hindered me from experiencing it. I believe a lie that others care about me only for what I do, and not who I am. In reality, I believe that lie about myself: I am only valuable for what I do. I have based my own value in my productivity, instead of my relationships.
It's Christmas Eve. I plan on seeing Where The Wild Things Are this afternoon at the second run theater near my home, and then my mother and I will be picking my brother up from the airport. We've been a family of three for over ten years now. It still feels a little strange. We have a lot in common, and a lot that's different, of course. Family is so interesting. It happens in so many different ways, and then there's this whole other story of being adopted into God's family, becoming co-heirs with Jesus. But family is that weird thing that you don't choose, for all its blessings and dysfunctions.
I've neglected the beauty and anticipation of Advent this year. And suddenly Christmas is here. I do want Jesus to come and restore all things once and for all. But there are things that I want to see happen before then, right? Ways for the Kingdom to come and take shape around me and in my life and in the lives of those I love, before the end of our time. Maybe you know what I mean.
Here he comes, let us adore him.
09 February 2009
30 December 2008
Ode to My Chicago Christmas Family Vacation in Chicago for Christmas with My Family
Chicago was good, Chicago was busy
Started out with flying down into the snowy city
At the Midway airport, met up with my mother
Had some time to kill before we'd get to see my brother
El into the Loop, to the art museum
I tell you what I saw, I tell you how I see 'em
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Grant Wood: "American Gothic!"
(that's his daughter, folks, not his wife)
Ed Hopper: "Nighthawker!"
lonely times, it's true, in a big city life
Dan Burnham: "Chicago Planner!"
everything's so organized, every mile 8 streets
Georges Seurat: "Lazy Sunday!"
but tell me what is up, with that monkey on a leash?
Georgia O'Keeffe: "Clouds!"
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Finally together, family tradition
Awesome sushi dinner, that's some mighty fine fishin'
Lunch the next day, all you can eat
Brazilian steakhouse = meat meat meat
(and a ridiculous salad bar with some really good sun-dried tomatoes and smoked salmon and hearts of palm and prosciutto and...)
Christmas Eve service, in three different tongues:
English, Spanish, Karen (that's a Burmese one)
Chillin' on Christmas, I'm glad that we came
But it's not the house I'm used to, so it's just not the same
Brunch with friends the next day, then later that night
Tapas and sangria, some delicious little bites
Early the next morning, we end our tale
Was supposed to go back home but for an airport fail
Started out with flying down into the snowy city
At the Midway airport, met up with my mother
Had some time to kill before we'd get to see my brother
El into the Loop, to the art museum
I tell you what I saw, I tell you how I see 'em
----------
Grant Wood: "American Gothic!"
(that's his daughter, folks, not his wife)
Ed Hopper: "Nighthawker!"
lonely times, it's true, in a big city life
Dan Burnham: "Chicago Planner!"
everything's so organized, every mile 8 streets
Georges Seurat: "Lazy Sunday!"
but tell me what is up, with that monkey on a leash?
Georgia O'Keeffe: "Clouds!"
----------
Finally together, family tradition
Awesome sushi dinner, that's some mighty fine fishin'
Lunch the next day, all you can eat
Brazilian steakhouse = meat meat meat
(and a ridiculous salad bar with some really good sun-dried tomatoes and smoked salmon and hearts of palm and prosciutto and...)
Christmas Eve service, in three different tongues:
English, Spanish, Karen (that's a Burmese one)
Chillin' on Christmas, I'm glad that we came
But it's not the house I'm used to, so it's just not the same
Brunch with friends the next day, then later that night
Tapas and sangria, some delicious little bites
Early the next morning, we end our tale
Was supposed to go back home but for an airport fail
02 February 2008
In Memoriam
A year ago today one of my dear friends lost her brother in a car accident. A group of friends from church gathered at another friend's place to remember her brother, encourage and pray with her, share fellowship and worship God together, and just love her as best we could. Another friend baked some of her brother's favorite pies (Key Lime & Apple), and there was some wonderful time off hanging out and being in community and communion with each other.
I had only known her a couple weeks when the accident happened, and I didn't know her brother at all. They announced the news at church the Sunday after it happened--it was Super Bowl Sunday--and somehow I just wept and wept and wept when I heard, grieving deeply with her and for her and for her family. I had been reflecting on my father's death around that time, and so perhaps my heart was prepared to enter into another's mourning--weeping when others weep, as Paul says in Romans.
My father passed away nine years ago next Saturday. I suppose I don't think about it too much. It would be nice if he could see where I'm at and what I'm up to these days, there are a lot of milestones and things where his presence has been missing. But I do remember him fondly, that he loved me well, as best he could.
I try to hold onto the reality of heaven and the sure hope it presents, all possible because of Jesus' life and death and resurrection. Sometimes that hope and that reality are clear and beautiful in my sight. Most of the time I guess I get bogged down in the day-to-day, and I don't suppose that I'm "eagerly awaiting a Savior from there" (Phil.3:20) as much as slogging through and getting by--a mix of enjoying and lamenting life.
Against this backdrop of semi-complacency, I feel like God has been at times quietly and at times rather noisily breaking into my life these last few months. I hope so. I need my sight refocused, I need a new enthusiasm for dwelling on His Word, for actually desiring His Will, for praying and praying and praying some more. He is a good and right and true and just and faithful God. I need the power of his love and affection to rightly claim my heart--oh, that I would finally worship the only One worthy of worship.
The last couple days have had some fasting and praying and confusion and trials and rich blessings. Some excellent, fruitful time of talking things out with some friends, having wisdom and light spoken into my life and my uncertainties. God is faithful in so many ways, and I thank Him for the community of friends that I find myself in the midst of here in Nashville.
Thy Kingdom come.
--------------------------------------------------
Lastly, please pray for my dear friends, Tom & Megan Langsdorf. They were stuck in N'Djamena along with Megan's dad when the fighting broke out near and in the capital. We're awaiting updates on their blog. The waiting and my anxiety are showing me some more wrinkles about what it means to have faith.
Thy Will be done.
I had only known her a couple weeks when the accident happened, and I didn't know her brother at all. They announced the news at church the Sunday after it happened--it was Super Bowl Sunday--and somehow I just wept and wept and wept when I heard, grieving deeply with her and for her and for her family. I had been reflecting on my father's death around that time, and so perhaps my heart was prepared to enter into another's mourning--weeping when others weep, as Paul says in Romans.
My father passed away nine years ago next Saturday. I suppose I don't think about it too much. It would be nice if he could see where I'm at and what I'm up to these days, there are a lot of milestones and things where his presence has been missing. But I do remember him fondly, that he loved me well, as best he could.
I try to hold onto the reality of heaven and the sure hope it presents, all possible because of Jesus' life and death and resurrection. Sometimes that hope and that reality are clear and beautiful in my sight. Most of the time I guess I get bogged down in the day-to-day, and I don't suppose that I'm "eagerly awaiting a Savior from there" (Phil.3:20) as much as slogging through and getting by--a mix of enjoying and lamenting life.
Against this backdrop of semi-complacency, I feel like God has been at times quietly and at times rather noisily breaking into my life these last few months. I hope so. I need my sight refocused, I need a new enthusiasm for dwelling on His Word, for actually desiring His Will, for praying and praying and praying some more. He is a good and right and true and just and faithful God. I need the power of his love and affection to rightly claim my heart--oh, that I would finally worship the only One worthy of worship.
The last couple days have had some fasting and praying and confusion and trials and rich blessings. Some excellent, fruitful time of talking things out with some friends, having wisdom and light spoken into my life and my uncertainties. God is faithful in so many ways, and I thank Him for the community of friends that I find myself in the midst of here in Nashville.
Thy Kingdom come.
--------------------------------------------------
Lastly, please pray for my dear friends, Tom & Megan Langsdorf. They were stuck in N'Djamena along with Megan's dad when the fighting broke out near and in the capital. We're awaiting updates on their blog. The waiting and my anxiety are showing me some more wrinkles about what it means to have faith.
Thy Will be done.
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