Jesus Is My Portion

If I could fit this into a facebook status, I would, but I don't think I can, so I'll try here.

Tonight I shared the stage with some amazing musicians and people, playing cello for one song for this benefit show. I was up there with some Famous People & Real Musicians. I struggled with some deep deep insecurities, a sense that I totally didn't belong on the stage with them, as well as envy of their Talent and Success and yes, even the fact that they're all Married.

And just to be clear, they are all super gracious folks, a couple of whom I would even consider friends.

But I need to name my idols, so there you have it. All because I lose sight of the fact that Jesus is my portion. It was a real struggle, believing the lies that Satan was feeding me about my identity. So I prayed and reached out to a couple friends to pray for me, too. I worked through it and found some center and sufficiency in Jesus.

I am not my own. My gifts and talents are a gift of God's grace. It was an honor and a privilege and a joy to offer them up and be a part of the evening. I certainly couldn't have orchestrated having such a cool opportunity.

But it was a hard hard struggle inside, and I know it's not over. I know it'll happen again. Then again, I guess I know that I won't ever stop needing Jesus, either.

Oh yeah, and I got a free copy of Donald Miller's latest book out of the deal, too, so hey.

Safety First

I've had some reminders lately of how important it is for me to be loved just the way I am. Yes, friends can desire my change for the better, but I have to know that they love me regardless--that it's always a safe place for me to just be me and to fall short of their expectations/desires, even as they encourage me for my good. The safe, loving environment has to come first, before any change might--especially since I'm generally so slow and reluctant to change. After all, "God proves his love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Sovereign God

God is sovereign over:

- my ailing car (after she did so well in the snow last weekend!)
- the cold, rainy weather
- my heart
- my insecurities
- my joys

He's teaching me to trust him more, with everything. I'm sort of learning, I hope. But he is good and gracious and so patient, and he loves me.