So, I have a job, one that I've had for a little over a year now, minus my escapades in Vermont last summer. Technically my current job is part-time, but it's more or less the standard 9 to 5 with some wiggle room, and it pays the bills. I feel like music is definitely another job for me, as it is for a whole ton of folks here in Nashville ("Music City," we call ourselves), where I'm sometimes putting in upwards of 10-15 hours in a given week for prep and rehearsal and gigging when it's busy. Plus the things I do for my church--another few hours a week, and generally pretty much always in the back of my mind. Everybody's (hopefully) got those things in their lives that are fruitful labors, monetarily remunerated or not, juggled together with everything else that fills up the hours and days--rest/sleep, cook/eat, play soccer, read, socialize, do nothing time--let alone be married and raise a family for some of you all.
The idea was floated out there of paying me a bit for the things that I do for church, especially as the reponsibilities (and stress) have grown a bit the last few months compared to the stuff I started with last fall. I haven't figured that one out yet--the whole idea of Paul's having the rights of an apostle to earn his living off the Gospel, but choosing not to so that the Gospel would be free to all (I Corinthians 9). This isn't exactly that situation, but I haven't figured it out yet. I mean, I've certainly accepted honorariums in the past for the work I've done for and with my two home churches in Vermont, leading worship or directing the choir for a season. And that felt right, I appreciated their gestures of thanks for my labors at the end of those seasons, and because those churches were small, I felt like it came from each of the congregations as a whole as a gift back to me. But if it were to be a regular weekly paid job-esque thing, hmm...
If this were the kind of blog that solicited comments, here's where I'd say, "So what do you all think?" But, alas, it is not. And I like the illusion of not knowing exactly who's reading this and then being pleasantly surprised when someone mentions it to me. I mean, it's out there and public, I know, and I have no qualms about that. But since I feel more comfortable with my online community (facebook, myspace, blog) reflecting my real-life (offline? non-cyberspace? supra-virtual?) community, you all for the most part know how to reach me by other means anyways.
Not that you need to, that's really just a side point and a corollary to the fact that I am a late adopter to new technologies.
That is all. Back to work, in one or more of its various guises.
19 June 2008
16 June 2008
Kyiv
Great show tonight at The Rutledge playing with Taylor Sorensen's acoustic side project, Kyiv. We were minus our keyboard/accordion player, so I took a bit more of the instrumental slack on cello. And I felt pretty good about it, thought I played pretty well overall, with a few moments that felt really solid. Video may or may not show up here in a few days. We added a couple songs tonight that we didn't do earlier this month at the Basement show, songs from his other band, The Trigger Code. I charted them out as he played them for me after sound check tonight, then played them for the first time in the show itself. And it worked out, actually had some of my favorite moments there. We even got an encore from the appreciative crowd of friends--an encore in the old-school sense of the word, since we had already played all the songs we knew, so we played our first song encore une fois à la fin du concert.
Most of the time I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to my playing. All kinds of things that I can get down on myself about. But there are also times like tonight when, even with a few mistakes here and there, spontaneous and excellent things happen because a group of people are making music and trying to create honest beauty in a live setting, before a responsive and engaged and encouraging (albeit small) audience. It reminds me what I love about making music and creating. Or just listening to music for that matter--hearing some great David Wilcox songs that I hadn't heard before as my house mate played them for me this past weekend, for example.
My friend Eric is starting to record his new project, with Ben Shive producing. Ben's own long-awaited, long-in-the-making solo project finally comes out this week, "The Ill-Tempered Klavier." Matthew Jones has a new one coming out in August, "Swallow the Sea." Saw him play some of the new material live with a band last month, and it's fantastic. Hear a couple tracks on his myspace, plus some tracks from his excellent last record, "Throwing Punches in the Dark."
So much music out there, I love it. It's a lot of who I am, who and what I think I'm supposed to be, as best I can.
Most of the time I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to my playing. All kinds of things that I can get down on myself about. But there are also times like tonight when, even with a few mistakes here and there, spontaneous and excellent things happen because a group of people are making music and trying to create honest beauty in a live setting, before a responsive and engaged and encouraging (albeit small) audience. It reminds me what I love about making music and creating. Or just listening to music for that matter--hearing some great David Wilcox songs that I hadn't heard before as my house mate played them for me this past weekend, for example.
My friend Eric is starting to record his new project, with Ben Shive producing. Ben's own long-awaited, long-in-the-making solo project finally comes out this week, "The Ill-Tempered Klavier." Matthew Jones has a new one coming out in August, "Swallow the Sea." Saw him play some of the new material live with a band last month, and it's fantastic. Hear a couple tracks on his myspace, plus some tracks from his excellent last record, "Throwing Punches in the Dark."
So much music out there, I love it. It's a lot of who I am, who and what I think I'm supposed to be, as best I can.
14 June 2008
In the meantime...
It's a dreary overcast day in Nashville. A good day for reading, watching Euro 2008, and procrastinating from some music homework that I should get done. Some comfort for the day:
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm 73:21-26)
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm 73:21-26)
Breakthrough
Last night I went over to my friends' house for a surprise anniversary party that the husband was throwing for the wife. A lot of friends from our church community were there for the surprise and the grill-out and well-wishes and celebration of their marriage. It was a great time of hanging out and good conversation and just having fun together. One of my favorite moments was a hilarious conversation I had with a couple friends about movies--a chance to talk about something other than how sub-par I feel like I'm doing lately. Invaluable. And I needed the reminders that I am still a part of this community that I've started to get a little burnt out in lately.
At a certain point, the gathering transitioned into a second phase--most of the guests had left, someone plugged in their iPod, turned it up, and yes, we had a dance party in their living room. Just as things were starting to roll, a friend of mine was leaving, and I considered getting a quick ride home with her, since I had walked there. But I stayed, knowing that this would be one of the best opportunities for me to let go of some of my baggage.
Those of you who have known me for a while know that I do not dance in public. I enjoy dancing and movement when no one else is around, but I am just too self-conscious and inhibited in the company of other people, even good friends. When I'm around other people dancing to music that makes me want to move, I'll scurry on by and make some surreptitious, subtle body movements (in time to the music) as I make my way over to neutral ground.
But last night, instead of hanging back and hiding out in a side room, I willed myself into it, moving my arms and legs and hands and feet and head and body to the beat, just a handful of friends around. I certainly don't know any moves, was hardly familiar with the music that was playing, at times imitating the others, at times closing my eyes and just moving, at times unsure of myself. I have no idea how I looked to the other folks there. I also know that they didn't care one bit. Every now and then I'd get self-conscious, but for the first time in my life really, I would let it go and dance and enjoy it. Don't know what it'll be like the next time, but I am so grateful for the chance to find that moment of freedom and be a little bit more of myself.
At a certain point, the gathering transitioned into a second phase--most of the guests had left, someone plugged in their iPod, turned it up, and yes, we had a dance party in their living room. Just as things were starting to roll, a friend of mine was leaving, and I considered getting a quick ride home with her, since I had walked there. But I stayed, knowing that this would be one of the best opportunities for me to let go of some of my baggage.
Those of you who have known me for a while know that I do not dance in public. I enjoy dancing and movement when no one else is around, but I am just too self-conscious and inhibited in the company of other people, even good friends. When I'm around other people dancing to music that makes me want to move, I'll scurry on by and make some surreptitious, subtle body movements (in time to the music) as I make my way over to neutral ground.
But last night, instead of hanging back and hiding out in a side room, I willed myself into it, moving my arms and legs and hands and feet and head and body to the beat, just a handful of friends around. I certainly don't know any moves, was hardly familiar with the music that was playing, at times imitating the others, at times closing my eyes and just moving, at times unsure of myself. I have no idea how I looked to the other folks there. I also know that they didn't care one bit. Every now and then I'd get self-conscious, but for the first time in my life really, I would let it go and dance and enjoy it. Don't know what it'll be like the next time, but I am so grateful for the chance to find that moment of freedom and be a little bit more of myself.
04 June 2008
Happenings
Show last night at the Basement with Old Bear and Kyiv was actually pretty solid, despite some minor mishaps and my own stumblings and intonation issues whenever I can't hear what's going on, which is semi-often when there's no time to do a sound check (that's just a cheap excuse--I'd have those problems on almost any gig involving a sound system, sigh). But a couple proud moments, too--I particularly liked a solo that I took on the last song of the night. Good music that I can enjoy with good friends whom I care about. I think it's the kind of gig that I'm looking for. I'm still figuring out where and how the music all fits into my life. Art. Beauty. Not sucking. But after a busy month and a half of rehearsals and gigs and recording, I've got a couple quieter weeks, I think, before things pick back up again in the second half of the month.
Went to a few of the plenary sessions of the Christian Community Health Fellowship annual conference here in Nashville last weekend, courtesy of the clinic I volunteer at. I am not a medical professional, of course, but since the central theme was the Kingdom of God, a lot of what the speakers were sharing was a broad call toward a focus on God's Kingdom and what we as followers of Christ are called to be/do in bringing that to bear in whatever spheres we find ourselves in. So it was good, I appreciated a lot of it, resonated with various things I've been thinking about as I've become steadily invested in my church community, its vision and my family there and our sense of place in East Nashville.
The weekend before that (Memorial Day weekend) I was a groomsman in a special little wedding here in town. A lot of folks poured out a lot of effort and energy and giftings to make it a really lovely celebration. All I had to do was show up in my tux. The next day I moved in with a friend of mine, so I'm finally a bit more settled, at least for the semi-indefinite future. Then spent the next day helping out a friend of mine from church who runs something called The Bridge (a program of the local YMCA), joining up with a bunch of folks for some cleaning and organizing and setting up for their summer enrichment program at a local middle school. Seems like it's pretty amazing and intense. They just started up this week.
What next? I might help out this weekend on a work project with some church friends for the Barefoot Republic summer camp. Or I might just have a quiet day. The push/pull of wanting to be busy and co-laboring with friends, but trying to take seriously my need for a bit of rest, too. We'll see, it's a game-time decision.
And yeah, I guess all those paragraphs are about things and programs and events and labors where you can see the Kingdom of God breaking through and transforming our life and culture and relationships, etc.
And it's June. Whaddya know.
Went to a few of the plenary sessions of the Christian Community Health Fellowship annual conference here in Nashville last weekend, courtesy of the clinic I volunteer at. I am not a medical professional, of course, but since the central theme was the Kingdom of God, a lot of what the speakers were sharing was a broad call toward a focus on God's Kingdom and what we as followers of Christ are called to be/do in bringing that to bear in whatever spheres we find ourselves in. So it was good, I appreciated a lot of it, resonated with various things I've been thinking about as I've become steadily invested in my church community, its vision and my family there and our sense of place in East Nashville.
The weekend before that (Memorial Day weekend) I was a groomsman in a special little wedding here in town. A lot of folks poured out a lot of effort and energy and giftings to make it a really lovely celebration. All I had to do was show up in my tux. The next day I moved in with a friend of mine, so I'm finally a bit more settled, at least for the semi-indefinite future. Then spent the next day helping out a friend of mine from church who runs something called The Bridge (a program of the local YMCA), joining up with a bunch of folks for some cleaning and organizing and setting up for their summer enrichment program at a local middle school. Seems like it's pretty amazing and intense. They just started up this week.
What next? I might help out this weekend on a work project with some church friends for the Barefoot Republic summer camp. Or I might just have a quiet day. The push/pull of wanting to be busy and co-laboring with friends, but trying to take seriously my need for a bit of rest, too. We'll see, it's a game-time decision.
And yeah, I guess all those paragraphs are about things and programs and events and labors where you can see the Kingdom of God breaking through and transforming our life and culture and relationships, etc.
And it's June. Whaddya know.
21 May 2008
The Wilderness
I was working on a post last week all about the wilderness that I feel like I'm in right now. My friend calls it "the wasteland." I think I've been there since January or so, with a few good spells of refreshing (like the Lenten season). That's the short version, and I'll leave out all the blogtastically confessional melodramatic 'woe is me' details for now.
In the midst of the various things I'm dealing with and running away from, there is still the Gospel to contend with, of course. There are times when I'd rather actually be dealing with a whole wheelbarrow-ful of cow manure. But the truth of the Gospel isn't going away, and somehow it will bring redemption to the various fears and hurts and craziness. I feel like I need to run and hide a bit from various things and people (rightly or not), and hopefully the shelter I find is in the shadow of God's wings.
I'm learning about boasting all the more of my weaknesses (not one of my natural giftings). I'm definitely finding new things to boast about (I'll spare you here). Brick by brick, I need God to dismantle my false foundations--who I think I am, my identity and motivations apart from Christ. Who I'm being made into in Christ. I need to turn over every rock and repent. This could be a full time job.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't want for this to just be a blog o' my woes and emotional vomit (and yes, I do have other genuinely inter-personal channels in which to deal with my crap), so here are some good things going on:
I suppose all of those could be summed up in the word Provision. Luxury, too, for some of them, but I'll tackle that idol another time.
Another little oasis was this past Friday evening. I went to my friends' wedding rehearsal over at the Tulip Street United Methodist Church here in East Nashville, and after the rehearsal they graciously let me crash the rehearsal dinner at The Acorn over by Centennial Park. At the end of that trying week, it was so good for me to be in the presence of so much joy and love among all kinds of family and friends, and I got to meet some great folks and just feel welcomed all around. The fellowship of the body of Christ, a beautiful blessed thing. And still but a shadow of the joy that awaits us. But thank God for those wonderful intimations of His abiding glory and presence. Things for me to remember in the midst of the soulache.
I know that Jesus is the answer. Sometimes I'm not sure how to get there, days when I feel more like I'm at the bottom of a pit. So He's going to have to come and rescue me. And I know that He is able.
He is able. Here's to a God whom death could not hold, who came to save His beloved, trading His glory to take on our skin and bones for a season out of eternity, who came to redeem what He created and created good. Let me rest assured of His beautiful love and favor upon me. Let me take Him at his word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
All other ground is sinking sand...
In the midst of the various things I'm dealing with and running away from, there is still the Gospel to contend with, of course. There are times when I'd rather actually be dealing with a whole wheelbarrow-ful of cow manure. But the truth of the Gospel isn't going away, and somehow it will bring redemption to the various fears and hurts and craziness. I feel like I need to run and hide a bit from various things and people (rightly or not), and hopefully the shelter I find is in the shadow of God's wings.
I'm learning about boasting all the more of my weaknesses (not one of my natural giftings). I'm definitely finding new things to boast about (I'll spare you here). Brick by brick, I need God to dismantle my false foundations--who I think I am, my identity and motivations apart from Christ. Who I'm being made into in Christ. I need to turn over every rock and repent. This could be a full time job.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't want for this to just be a blog o' my woes and emotional vomit (and yes, I do have other genuinely inter-personal channels in which to deal with my crap), so here are some good things going on:
- in my current housing limbo, the Tullocks have graciously let me come and crash in their upstairs area for a couple weeks...the move a couple weekends ago was surprisingly smooth, and I've settled in as much as I can in just a two-week stay...I'll be moving again for the more indefinite future with another friend from church this coming Memorial Day weekend...
- my mother and I have been vaguely talking about it for about a year now, but just recently things came together via my brother and his housemate (who works at an Apple store, I think) to get me a new MacBook Pro...I've been getting by for the last year and a half on a borrowed Tangerine iBook, so this is a bit of a step up...first things first: importing all my CDs into iTunes...
- my friend Shannon and I are splitting a quarter-bushel share from the Community Supported Agriculture program of Avalon Acres farm...there's a food drop every Wednesday for 26 weeks...the first drop was a couple weeks ago, and the lettuce was scrumptious...last week's strawberries were amazing...I'm looking forward to the rest of the season's fun bounty...
- the unexpected (but not unwelcome) uptick in music stuff continues...I've been rehearsing with Seth Wood for an EP he's recording this weekend...I'll be rehearsing with Taylor Sorensen for his more acoustically-oriented side project, Kyiv, in preparation for a show in early June...and it's looking like I'll be sitting in on Treva and the Suits' CD release show at The Basement at the end of June...good stuff...but the extra work is keeping me up past my bedtime, for sure...
I suppose all of those could be summed up in the word Provision. Luxury, too, for some of them, but I'll tackle that idol another time.
Another little oasis was this past Friday evening. I went to my friends' wedding rehearsal over at the Tulip Street United Methodist Church here in East Nashville, and after the rehearsal they graciously let me crash the rehearsal dinner at The Acorn over by Centennial Park. At the end of that trying week, it was so good for me to be in the presence of so much joy and love among all kinds of family and friends, and I got to meet some great folks and just feel welcomed all around. The fellowship of the body of Christ, a beautiful blessed thing. And still but a shadow of the joy that awaits us. But thank God for those wonderful intimations of His abiding glory and presence. Things for me to remember in the midst of the soulache.
I know that Jesus is the answer. Sometimes I'm not sure how to get there, days when I feel more like I'm at the bottom of a pit. So He's going to have to come and rescue me. And I know that He is able.
He is able. Here's to a God whom death could not hold, who came to save His beloved, trading His glory to take on our skin and bones for a season out of eternity, who came to redeem what He created and created good. Let me rest assured of His beautiful love and favor upon me. Let me take Him at his word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
All other ground is sinking sand...
I have a new phone.
By which I mean, a new old phone. I am so averse to change, but my wireless plan (a since discontinued pay-as-you-go plan through Verizon that I've had for years now) was becoming less and less the bargain that it used to be as my usage has gone up, so I finally had to switch over to a conventional plan with a local Nashville area number.
My old phone will still be active for a while, with a voice mail greeting that tells you my new number. So please feel free to call that to get it, or email me, or ask me in person, "What's your new number? And what is that sexy new phone that you've got there?"
Speaking of which, I actually went through extra trouble to track down a recently discontinued model that has the closest interface to my old (long since discontinued) phone. The "new" one is an LG VX-3450. I don't even remember what my old model was--it was a gracious hand-me-down from my brother when I first got the aforementioned cell plan. And I only got that because I was going to be house-sitting for some friends for a few months in a place without a land line. I am a rather late adopter of new technologies. So be it.
My old phone will still be active for a while, with a voice mail greeting that tells you my new number. So please feel free to call that to get it, or email me, or ask me in person, "What's your new number? And what is that sexy new phone that you've got there?"
Speaking of which, I actually went through extra trouble to track down a recently discontinued model that has the closest interface to my old (long since discontinued) phone. The "new" one is an LG VX-3450. I don't even remember what my old model was--it was a gracious hand-me-down from my brother when I first got the aforementioned cell plan. And I only got that because I was going to be house-sitting for some friends for a few months in a place without a land line. I am a rather late adopter of new technologies. So be it.
01 May 2008
Patience is easy for the first 10 minutes.
Actually, I feel relatively good about life right now. Here's a more mundane update on some other things that have been going on the last couple weeks, particularly on the music front.
I've been sitting in on rehearsals and gigs with Charlie Murphey's new band, Old Bear, some combination of bass and cello stuff. Did a bit of recording for an EP he's working on, too. He does good stuff, and it's been neat to see his music take a certain shape with a band behind it, giving him a chance to rock out a bit more with a rhythm section. So the last couple weeks have seen gigs at the Mercy Lounge, 12th & Porter, and now tonight at the Rutledge, opening for Drew Holcomb and Matthew Perryman Jones. Should be a good one.
But first up after work this afternoon is Siloam Family Health Center's volunteer appreciation party. I've been going there every Friday morning for a year now, and I love it. Usually I'm printing up various lists from their system and pulling charts for the upcoming clinic days, sometimes I get redirected to other little things that they need done. I am not medically inclined whatsoever, and I'm realizing that I'm even more squeamish about a lot of things than I thought I was. And that's ok. I have a place and a work to do there. I can partner with them in small ways, join them in their prayer times, show up for the culture-gram lunches, just chat with all the folks that I've gotten to know this last year, some of whom go to my church.
There's definitely something to be said for just showing up week after week, and I feel both a sense of belonging to and ownership of their labors. I feel loved and appreciated, and there are so many great folks--both staff and volunteer--who commit so much of their time and talents in the service of Siloam's mission: "to share the love of Christ by serving those in need through health care."
I've been sitting in on rehearsals and gigs with Charlie Murphey's new band, Old Bear, some combination of bass and cello stuff. Did a bit of recording for an EP he's working on, too. He does good stuff, and it's been neat to see his music take a certain shape with a band behind it, giving him a chance to rock out a bit more with a rhythm section. So the last couple weeks have seen gigs at the Mercy Lounge, 12th & Porter, and now tonight at the Rutledge, opening for Drew Holcomb and Matthew Perryman Jones. Should be a good one.
But first up after work this afternoon is Siloam Family Health Center's volunteer appreciation party. I've been going there every Friday morning for a year now, and I love it. Usually I'm printing up various lists from their system and pulling charts for the upcoming clinic days, sometimes I get redirected to other little things that they need done. I am not medically inclined whatsoever, and I'm realizing that I'm even more squeamish about a lot of things than I thought I was. And that's ok. I have a place and a work to do there. I can partner with them in small ways, join them in their prayer times, show up for the culture-gram lunches, just chat with all the folks that I've gotten to know this last year, some of whom go to my church.
There's definitely something to be said for just showing up week after week, and I feel both a sense of belonging to and ownership of their labors. I feel loved and appreciated, and there are so many great folks--both staff and volunteer--who commit so much of their time and talents in the service of Siloam's mission: "to share the love of Christ by serving those in need through health care."
29 April 2008
Your mistakes and your crimes...
...it hurts just to mention
Feel abandoned and alone in desert land
But every mess is a fruit that's ripe for redemption
If you only leave the harvest in his hands.
I'm starting to believe those last couple lines not just in the abstract, but in specific ways for my life. Something of a breakthrough. I tend to remember a lot of things really well, which can certainly be a good and useful thing, of course, but it can also mean holding on tightly to hurts and guilt and all that fun stuff. I'll leave it at that. Just to say that the long-term forecast is actually starting to look more than ok. God's ultimate victory over sin and death and darkness is already secured for us in Jesus Christ. Beautiful. Eric Peters has a song called "The Ending" (on his "Miracle of Forgetting" and "Bookmark" albums) that reminds me of this truth:
I want to know why we fall so hard
And why hope for tomorrow can seem so far away
Don't say it's over when the world's gone mad
I've seen the ending and it's not so bad
Don't say it's over when you lose your heart
'Cause the ending is where we start
Lent was a really good and fruitful time in terms of delving into Scripture, morning quiet times and evening writing times. I don't really know why, but since Easter it's been a pretty dry season, and I've just been riding it out this past month. But I feel like there's a renewing coming now, remembering and knowing that I am here to spend time with God, and what a true joy, peace, and comfort that can be. God's Kingdom breaking into my false little fortress. Thank God. I've had the U2 song "40" (off their "War" album) ringing in my head last night and this morning:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song...
I read that psalm this morning and this was one of the verses that resonated--"my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me." I've definitely had a lot of heart failure of all sorts these last few months and weeks, reaping the fruit of my iniquities, falling down in repentance. And yet, there is ever and always God's steadfast love and faithfulness, His mercy, His grace.
I can wait. I think. I hope. God help.
Feel abandoned and alone in desert land
But every mess is a fruit that's ripe for redemption
If you only leave the harvest in his hands.
I'm starting to believe those last couple lines not just in the abstract, but in specific ways for my life. Something of a breakthrough. I tend to remember a lot of things really well, which can certainly be a good and useful thing, of course, but it can also mean holding on tightly to hurts and guilt and all that fun stuff. I'll leave it at that. Just to say that the long-term forecast is actually starting to look more than ok. God's ultimate victory over sin and death and darkness is already secured for us in Jesus Christ. Beautiful. Eric Peters has a song called "The Ending" (on his "Miracle of Forgetting" and "Bookmark" albums) that reminds me of this truth:
I want to know why we fall so hard
And why hope for tomorrow can seem so far away
Don't say it's over when the world's gone mad
I've seen the ending and it's not so bad
Don't say it's over when you lose your heart
'Cause the ending is where we start
Lent was a really good and fruitful time in terms of delving into Scripture, morning quiet times and evening writing times. I don't really know why, but since Easter it's been a pretty dry season, and I've just been riding it out this past month. But I feel like there's a renewing coming now, remembering and knowing that I am here to spend time with God, and what a true joy, peace, and comfort that can be. God's Kingdom breaking into my false little fortress. Thank God. I've had the U2 song "40" (off their "War" album) ringing in my head last night and this morning:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song...
I read that psalm this morning and this was one of the verses that resonated--"my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me." I've definitely had a lot of heart failure of all sorts these last few months and weeks, reaping the fruit of my iniquities, falling down in repentance. And yet, there is ever and always God's steadfast love and faithfulness, His mercy, His grace.
I can wait. I think. I hope. God help.
24 April 2008
Wednesdays are for crisis management.
The last two Wednesdays I've gotten calls to jump into situations that various friends were in the middle of. It's involved a lot of driving around and taking care of things in person, making too many phone calls, all kinds of craziness and some measure of stress. In the in-between time, I've had my own personal crap to deal with--a resurging awareness of my judgmental heart, my idolatrous heart, my overvaluing of others' good opinion of me--a lot of the same stuff that I was swimming through back in January and February, plus some unexpected extra goodness. I've already mentioned Sunday's freakout/meltdown.
I wrestle with questions like the line between selfless love, self sacrifice, seeking the welfare of others even at your own expense vs. taking care of myself and my own interests, being healthy. How do you do it? Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to love myself? How and when to say no?
If only I were so sure of God's absolute love for me and his abiding favor toward me, secured on my behalf by Christ's perfect labors. If only I actually believed it. I would be set free from feeling like I need to elevate myself above others, from my idolatry, from trying to plug my lifeline into things that can't fulfill me. Everywhere I turn is another false savior. I'll catch myself, repent, then do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I would be set free to love completely and selflessly, without fear, without recoiling or judging, without agenda or self-interest. Set free to worship the only one who bears that ultimate worth. Set free to be wholly dependent on God. I keep on trying to smooth out my life so that I don't need Him, either by micro-managing my sin and avoiding certain situations, or by trying to do life all on my own.
On Tuesday, someone anonymously mailed me a gift card to a local organic grocery store called the Turnip Truck, with a note alluding to some of the ways I served last week (I assume last Wednesday's crisis). Under normal circumstances, I'd be curious to know who it was, but I could deal with the pleasant surprise, I think. But I wasn't really handling life too well just then and started minorly freaking out about it, just needing to know who it was so that I could clear out that bit of clutter in my headspace. I made some phone calls, no luck. I have a couple possible thoughts, but at this point, life has settled to a manageable level of inner turmoil where I don't have to know. I've been able to talk some things out with a couple friends, and it feels like there's a lot lot lot of work that God needs to do in my life about forgiveness, guilt, healing, paying it down, all across the board. And all the rest of it (see above). In the meantime, I'm just waiting for the next crisis. Probably another one of my own.
Give reviving, give refreshing, give the looked-for Jubilee...
- Albert Midlane ("Father, for Thy Promised Blessing")
I wrestle with questions like the line between selfless love, self sacrifice, seeking the welfare of others even at your own expense vs. taking care of myself and my own interests, being healthy. How do you do it? Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to love myself? How and when to say no?
If only I were so sure of God's absolute love for me and his abiding favor toward me, secured on my behalf by Christ's perfect labors. If only I actually believed it. I would be set free from feeling like I need to elevate myself above others, from my idolatry, from trying to plug my lifeline into things that can't fulfill me. Everywhere I turn is another false savior. I'll catch myself, repent, then do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I would be set free to love completely and selflessly, without fear, without recoiling or judging, without agenda or self-interest. Set free to worship the only one who bears that ultimate worth. Set free to be wholly dependent on God. I keep on trying to smooth out my life so that I don't need Him, either by micro-managing my sin and avoiding certain situations, or by trying to do life all on my own.
On Tuesday, someone anonymously mailed me a gift card to a local organic grocery store called the Turnip Truck, with a note alluding to some of the ways I served last week (I assume last Wednesday's crisis). Under normal circumstances, I'd be curious to know who it was, but I could deal with the pleasant surprise, I think. But I wasn't really handling life too well just then and started minorly freaking out about it, just needing to know who it was so that I could clear out that bit of clutter in my headspace. I made some phone calls, no luck. I have a couple possible thoughts, but at this point, life has settled to a manageable level of inner turmoil where I don't have to know. I've been able to talk some things out with a couple friends, and it feels like there's a lot lot lot of work that God needs to do in my life about forgiveness, guilt, healing, paying it down, all across the board. And all the rest of it (see above). In the meantime, I'm just waiting for the next crisis. Probably another one of my own.
Give reviving, give refreshing, give the looked-for Jubilee...
- Albert Midlane ("Father, for Thy Promised Blessing")
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