Control Freak

I don't like not being in control. I don't like not knowing what's going on. I give grace with strings attached, conditions for future change, or else resentment when people fail to meet up to my standards. I am very much unlike God, and yet I still manage to make myself god. How pitiful and pathetic.

I know that the antidote to these particular bits of selfishness is to trust in Jesus. But it's so much easier for me to trust in the things that I can see and touch: money, friends, job, whatever. Even though I know that they will let me down--moreover, that trusting in those finite, fleeting things (not necessarily evil things) will be the death of me. Really.

I think it's because I don't know my Savior. I could expand on that any number of ways, but right now I'll try to rest in the fact that he knows me. Deeply and truly, better than I know myself. He knows me. He loves me. Even when I don't feel it. He is present.

But where is he? It's not that I feel completely untethered from him, but I certainly don't feel deeply connected. Oh, that he would reveal himself to me more and more. That I would be open and obedient to his wooing me. That his mercies would truly be new to me every day. That I would know the depth of his love, the limitlessness of his peace, and the sufficiency of his grace in my every weakness.

Oh, me of little faith! Oh, soul, call upon--and fall upon--your great savior: Jesus Christ!

little gods with little g's

my heart is an idol factory. it takes things--people, possessions, goals, whatever--and elevates them beyond their right worth. elevates them to be little gods in my life. little gods that i must have and control on my own terms, and all the while they control me. i feel disappointment and elation, self-confidence and self-worthlessness, all based on how they're going in my life from moment to moment. they own me, and i don't let them get away easily. cause i'm stubborn stubborn stubborn.

i give my heart away so easily. mostly to people (read: girls). i sometimes wonder if i have an even greater predilection for it than most other guys. replaying interactions to parse the subtle signs. daydreaming imaginary conversations. i see it happening step by step--churning out another idol off the production line.

in every instance, how quickly do i turn away from the false twist i make--even of true and good and right things in life--and turn back to Jesus. my compass. my light. my peace. my shepherd. my savior. the only one who fully knows everything that is good for me. who desires and ordains all this good for me.

JESUS IS THE LOVER THAT I LONG FOR

i know that i can't change me. i can only have confidence in God's ability to change me. to humble my proud heart. to draw me deeper and deeper into love and worship of him. away from the false gods of my own shoddy making. i have no other true hope.

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee
Surely His goodness and mercy shall daily attend thee
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do
If with His love He befriend thee.

29

Today was a pretty emotionally draining day, and not because it was/is my birthday.

I finally got my car back after nearly two weeks in the shop and a lot of minor frustrations along the way. I'm grateful to have it back, and I'm grateful for various things that made it a manageable expense right now. I was able to get by without it in the interim, and that was great, but I realized that one of the reasons I like having a car is the flexibility to respond to needs to serve when they pop up unexpectedly.

Like tonight.

A late semi-crisis that made me heartbroken, then distressed, then angry, all while brainstorming solutions. Thankfully, it's reached a temporary stable point for a couple days, and we'll try to find a more medium- and then long-term solution soon. It wasn't a personal crisis, but it was within the body of Christ that I am a part of, and I felt deep deep grief over it, to the point of tears. This is the body of Christ; this is family. I couldn't possibly go and do what I was planning on doing--treating myself to a late meal and a glass of wine at a nice restaurant--when someone who is my family was in the middle of a life-consuming shit-storm and on the verge of homelessness.

I'm being stupidly vague. Before that there was an earlier non-personal-but-family non-crisis that I was powerless to do anything about, though I was on the phone a bit trying to figure out solutions. Sort of.

More stupid vagueness. I'm feeling emotionally drained, and it's just Monday, and this week is looking to be quite full.

I recently put a finger on the fact that service is one of the ways that I experience joy in Christ.

Jesus loves me.

I'll leave it at that.

Lately

Plenty going on, but not a whole ton to say.

This past week was pretty exhausting with birthday parties, dinner parties, a show (on bass--I haven't done that in a while), and a recording session (on cello) for a worship project that I'm a part of. Plus a full weekend with the East Nashville Tomato Art Festival going on (say what?) and seeing a friend play a show last night and then playing again myself tonight after church with this guy.

I think/hope God is teaching me about: discipline (as in, being disciplined), patience and not pushing my agendas, holding my ground when I need to, my insecurities when it comes to music, all sorts of stuff.

I've got a college friend coming into town this week for a couple days, so I'm looking forward to that visit and taking her around my city. Lots of good shows to catch the rest of this month, too.