On Twilight

A few months ago I resolved to read the first Twilight book, to see for myself what all the fuss was about.

The first couple chapters were slow going (also, since I'm semi-resolved to only spend time reading it if I've done some devotions that day). The melodramatic inner life of an angsty teenager. But once elements of plot started to take shape, it made for somewhat easier reading.

I'm about 200 pages in now (out of about 500), and somewhere around the 150-page mark, I read a sentence that gave me a future post idea (Top Ten Worst Sentences...?):

"Desolation hit me with crippling strength." (page 145)

Every few pages there's a sentence that just makes me cringe for one reason or another. Sure, the writing style depends on lots of adjectives and adverbs. But more so it's the ideas that give me pause.

Before I started reading it, I was discussing some of these thoughts with a friend, and we had a difference of opinion as to whether this was actually a damaging influence on one's worldview or just a fun diversion. Certainly, there are things that I read for escapist fun.

But I still feel fairly strongly that there's a lot of untruth in the fantasy that the book provides. Mostly, the myth of salvation in the romantic Other. Edward has been described as "perfect" several times already, not to mention other flowery variations on that theme. Even more explicitly:

"I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior." (page 166)

Ugh. The book takes true things--being cared for and protected by a lover, for example--and turns them into false idols, packaged as something that we want and must have. To my eyes, Edward is a creepy, domineering stalker with no sense of boundaries. But Bella (and perhaps the reader, by proxy) gives herself over to him as her total fulfillment.

I think I rail against the myth so hard in my heart because it's a fantasy that I know I'm prone to myself. Daydreams and imaginary conversations. Idealized mates. But it's not real, and it's not something that I need to encourage in myself. People are people. Marriage can be great and true. But never a substitute for Jesus.

Anyway, I will probably finish the book at some point, at which point I might be willing to see the first movie. I do not plan on reading the rest of them.

Then I'll probably re-read Harry Potter VII to wash the taste out of my brain. Yes, it's an escapist page-turner, too. But throughout is love, sacrifice, friendship, family, loyalty, endurance through trials, a host of truth.

Non Sequiturs

I tend to replay my interactions with various people in my mind a lot. Occasionally the introspection is useful. Most of the time it's not that constructive. Probably even counter-productive to a healthy inner life. I need to tell myself to get past it and keep moving on, not get stuck in the past, etc. And slap myself in the face.

We have a new housemate as of last weekend, just for the next few months before he can move into another place with friends in October. It's been cool with three of us in the house.

I haven't been sleeping that well in general, and my body doesn't really let me sleep in, even when it would be pretty useful. So I try to do something for an hour or so (like blog, read, eat breakfast, do devotions) before attempting a re-nap, or at least rest for my eyes and mind.

Yesterday evening was spent with a few friends at a pot-luck grill-out sit-down dinner on a front porch--thankfully covered from the huge rain. Fireworks could be seen only via television. It was a lovely time, a far cry from the total freak-out I remember having last year on July 4th weekend.

A couple months ago a friend called me over to take care of a dead mouse in her basement. Last night I think I had a dream where this same friend called me over to help her with a calculus problem. Mercifully, my dream seemed to have then moved on to something else entirely and spared my subconscious the angst of actually trying to solve the derivative. That might have qualified as a nightmare.

I'm currently reading a friend's copy of "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. Not life-changing, but I've been enjoying it. It's fun reading other people's books when they've made underlinings and notes in the margins. Little glimpses into their thoughts.

I'll be going home to Massachusetts for a week later this month, where I plan to find my copy of Harry Potter VI that I left there and start re-reading it. I could use a good fun read for my imagination. Although it does get pretty intense at the end in that cave. Ugh.

On Friday I went to see a documentary on the making of Derek Webb's forthcoming album, Stockholm Syndrome. The hour-long film was excellent, and I learned in the end credits that it was made by a very talented friend of mine. Well done, Brannon.

Then I got to listen to the album start to finish at a local coffeeshop where they played it over a PA. Full of electronic sounds and programmed beats with a bit of an edge. I really dig it. Makes me want to dance. Or blast it in my car driving at night. A couple of songs with soaringly beautiful lines. Some heartwrenching calls to love the other. Trademark DW writing. Street date on the hard copy album is September 1, but release date for digital download is this Tuesday (7/7/09).

A few months ago I set my Facebook to display in French. I like it.

That is all. It's been a good long weekend so far, restful and not restless, for the most part. But I feel the Sunday restlessness coming on. Perhaps I can go back to bed now.

The Inner Voice of Love

A friend of mine recently gave me this book by Henri Nouwen as a thank-you gift for some work that I did for his wedding. It's a collection of journal entries from the hardest, darkest time of Nouwen's life, December 1987 to June 1988. It's meant to be read slowly, savored and meditated upon. I've only read a handful of entries so far, each is a couple paragraphs to a couple pages long, and it's been rich and fulfilling and challenging reading. It puts succinct words to the core issues I'm dealing with this season--my relationship with God, with other people, with myself and my identity. It's a mixture of comfort and calling to action, even if that action is mostly just resting in God's love.

I am a restless person, so that can be a hard step of faith for me. Stepping out of my pride and fear, out of my right-ness, out of all the other things I look to to fill me up and make my life work. Taking God at His word, knowing what that even is. Something about the compromises of being human and fallen and having to love imperfectly. There is still and ever and always a perfect love, and I hope I'm re-learning to hear (and heed) His voice.

Our pastor at church started preaching on forgiveness and reconciliation last week, and he will be continuing that topic in his sermon this week. So today I'm re-listening to a Tim Keller sermon on the same theme that a good friend of mine gave to me when we were working through some issues last year. I've listened to it a handful of times since then, and it continues to be encouraging. I need it spoken into my life; I need to preach it to myself, the Gospel truth.

We'll be singing one of my favorite hymns at church tonight, "Abide With Me," a re-setting with a gorgeous new melody, so I'll close with these words by Henry Lyte:

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.