Blogging After Midnight

The reason I'm up so late is because I just watched "Bridesmaids" with some friends a short while ago. Before that we watched "Unknown" (so much better than "Taken," for whatever that's worth). Before that I watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" on my own. Today was a stay at home and watch movies day because I had/have a cold and it's a good excuse.

To be brief: it's been almost three months and I still get sad about it. Still feel pangs of missing her and what we had. Even while others have passed in and out of the radar in the intervening months.

What's the deal? When will it stop catching me off guard? Breaking up was the right call, but there was so much good stuff that was lost as a result.

I've played in so many of my friends' weddings during my five years here in Nashville. Most of them I knew separately before they became a couple. I've been experiencing bits of peace lately about not ever getting married. I've felt that peace before, but not so much since I moved here. But's in sporadic, in waves.

There's plenty else going on in my life these days, but I'm hardly ever here anymore, so I guess that's all for now. Peace.

Aimless

A few months ago, I looked at a friend of mine's blogroll and saw that I had been added to the list with the accompanying blurblet, "Hitoshi - Honesty and wisdom." How flattering!

Then a few weeks ago, I looked there again and saw that my blurblet had changed to "Hitoshi - The occasional entry." How true!

It's been over two months since the last post, and this is certainly not a resolution to post more frequently. But I have, amazingly, a wide open Sunday with no obligations for today's church service, and I'm looking forward to just being able to show up. So I'll spend a bit of time here.

The usual re-cap: lots of holiday parties and some great shows, both playing and watching. Day job has been very full and busy. I managed to make it through the entire day after Thanksgiving without getting out of my PJs. I have no idea when the last time that happened was.

Life overall feels stable--I'm not counting on that or anything, but I appreciate it in this season. I head back to MA on Tuesday for a little less than a week at home. A high school friend of mine is getting married in the Boston area the day after Christmas, so that should be a fun time. I'm looking forward to going home, but it's kinda snuck up on me in the crazy busy-ness of the month. A reflective season of Advent this has not been.

What am I doing here in Nashville? Lately, for various reasons and excuses, I've been keeping God at bay. There have been a few stretches of discipline in my devotions, but for the most part it's been a dry season.

I'm not really sure what to make of 2009. It was downright terrible up until the day after Easter. Then it's been the usual everything since then. Lots of ways that I'm content and grateful, lots of ways that I'm not.

What's the point? Keep on doing life and growing in the grace and goodness of God, being sanctified and changed, fighting the long defeat wherever we happen to be? I'm fairly confident that I'm supposed to be in Nashville. But I'm definitely lacking perspective right now on where I've been and what God is doing and where he's leading me. I don't feel like I'm changing.

I think I'm weary, maybe. And I'm not necessarily finding my rest in Jesus, or anywhere, for that matter. I find myself often wishing for a "pause" button so that I can get things done or take a nap. So I'm laboring, and striving, and some of that is good, and some of that is just spinning my wheels.

I do not have my stuff together. That's a given. And there are seasons when I'm pretty ok with that. But now is a time when I'm more unsettled by it. The usual identity issues--girls, music--where I look for validation and meaning in my life. Clearly, that's not working out for me, and I am grateful, honestly, cause I don't want to ever forget that I need need need this good and faithful God over every part of my life. Tiresome as that can sometimes feel.

Lately I think one of my main overarching/underlying struggles is that I live more by fear than by love. Sometimes I see it, and I preach the gospel to myself and remind myself the ways that "perfect love casts out fear." But I stumble on that one a lot, walking in fear instead of love.

My brain is an instant replay machine, with the repeat button stuck. I feel like my strong, incessant memory problem has gotten worse over the course of this year. Harder and harder to just let something happen and move on. Constantly replaying and parsing.

How have I grown in good ways this year? I don't know. Maybe straightforwardness and matter-of-factness in some things. Is the difference between boldness and foolishness just in the outcome?

I'm weary, I think that's it. 2010 feels like it's going to be more of the same. But I do have hope for God's sovereignty over it all.

Midway Point

We are halfway on our way to the year 4016. Here's a mid-year report.

I have lived at 4 different addresses so far this half-calendar year. That is unusual for me, but it's all made sense and felt like I was in the right place at each point, I think. And in my current place, sharing a house with a friend of mine, I finally feel comfortable in the space as a whole--able to be at rest and enjoy leisure and also be productive--not feeling like I need to retreat back to my room by default.

Looking back, I actually remember that in the weeks before the naissance of this blog (namely, January 2008) there was a good bit of unfamiliar life experience stuff going on for me, largely external to me but within my immediate circle of friends. I'll leave it ambiguous like that, but it was an eye-opening time that I was able to share with several of my friends who were also involved.

Otherwise, the half-year has seen some increased responsibilities at church, both deepening and estranged friendships, and the challenges of engaging in community across cultural boundaries in a semi-committed way . That's kinda vague (and uppity) to say it that way, but I do have concrete things in mind.

This current season is also marked by the fact of where I am not: Vermont. The Green Mountain State. More cows than people and refreshingly pungent cow-ish odors in the summertime. Middlebury, VT, is where I've been for 8 of the last 10 summers, both as a student and staff member for a French language immersion program at the college there. Some of my friends are there now starting another session this week, and I have a small nibblet of nostalgia to think that I could be there now as well. But I knew even before I returned last summer that it would be my last time there, and that was even more clear to me at the end of the session. I definitely burnt myself out last year, but my experiences as a whole were fantastic, with some great friendships, good hard work and challenges and learning both in and out of the classroom, and opportunities to reconnect with my home communities there, where I would feel welcome and at home after months and months away. Vous me manquez toutes et tous.

Nashville is where I'm supposed to be. Unless I decide to up and run away from all my troubles, in which case, you will find me in either Seattle or San Francisco, stirring up fresh trouble, of course.

But in the meantime, for the next few months, I will continue to receive fresh vegetables every week (at least one reason to stick it out here). Yum.

There's been a lot of music. And weddings. And music at weddings.

July will slow down. Please.

Lastly, here's a prayer I've been coming back to a good bit these last few months, from a book called The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.


The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
     where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up,
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime, stars can be seen from deepest wells,
     and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.