I have no end of need for Jesus.

Sometimes that truth is wonderfully freeing, redemptive, beautiful, comforting, a steady light in the swirling darkness.

Other times it feels like a frustrating burden, tiring in its cycles, probably because I'd rather save myself some other way or just have my way, period.

Just being honest.

Remind Me

I thought about doing a "looking back on 2008" or "looking ahead to 2009" post, but really, it's all felt the same to me and I didn't know what to say. I'm currently working out a more weighty post that may or may not take shape, but in the meantime, here's a bit of spontaneous list-making to help me take stock of some of the positive outward elements of my life, in whatever order--things that I am grateful for, to some degree or other:

• job
• cubicle area with a window and lots of natural light
• income that covers my cost of living
• friends
• familiarity (geographical and otherwise)
• music to see and be a part of
• church that suits me and that I believe in, more or less
• living within walking distance of church, friends, coffee shops, etc.--and a short commute to work
  
• functioning car
  

And on the other side of the balance? Um, well...

Admittedly, every one of those things has a flip side or a disconnect or a yearning for more or for change or whatever else (clearly I'm missing something about Paul's idea of contentment in Philippians 4). Plus so much else that I could add to that side of the scale. I wasn't going to do that list anyway, but hmm...

I do have a life here. Just not sure what to make of it right now.

What Do You Expect?

I can understand when I'm disappointed by the expectations that I have of other people and situations when I can recognize that my expectations are foolish or unrealistic or inappropriately placed. But there are times when I get blindsided by unmet expectations that I didn't even realize I had, since they seemed so logical that I took them for granted and they were just part of my thought process.

I know in the moments when I have a bit of perspective that people will disappoint, it's inevitable in a fallen world, and I disappoint and fail as much as any other. And I can't just ditch all my expectations--they happen so naturally, and even if it were possible, it's probably not a good thing. Something about cynicism. It is what it is, and these are opportunities for me to turn again to God's faithfulness and sure and steady presence.

I suppose I'm saying all this against the backdrop of a sermon my pastor preached in early January where the central image was that of Jacob, laboring seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage, only to be hoodwinked by sneaky uncle Laban and wake up on that first wedding morning to Leah instead. All our Rachel expectations met by Leah disappointments. There's only one who is faithful and true. I am certainly not he.

Otherwise, I'm experiencing some of the same mysterious malaise that weighed me down back in January/February. I think I know what it is, but still, it's a bother. And some of the same tensions as always between human being vs. human doing. Put all that together and Sunday was a crazy day, with some unexpected falling apart.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

There's a brain/heart disconnect right now on knowing that that's true.