Night Vision

I think I dozed off even before the plane took off from the Nashville airport last night, and about an hour into the flight, I woke up somewhere over the Chesapeake, I think. It was all craggy like that.

It was a really gorgeous view--there was a bit of haze, and we were high enough that you couldn't make out any moving lights from cars, just this foreign landscape of pockets of city lights against the pitch black of water as we moved up the Atlantic coastline.

Everything looked so still, and there was this illusion of moving slowly, flying so far up. But then as we passed over one city--maybe Baltimore?--there were a couple planes flying below us, and you could see just how fast we were all going. Shortly thereafter, the pilot told us to keep an eye out for Philadelphia and then New York, and it was really just a matter of minutes from the announcement before I recognized Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Long Island. Times Square was super bright, even from that far away.

I don't remember the last time that I had a night flight. For whatever reason, it made me think a bit about death (I do tend to think about death fairly easily). Not that think that I'm supposed to die anytime soon, but I don't think I'm that afraid of it, for the most part. I think about the inevitability of my family dying, or my friends, or myself.

The views from the plane last night made me think of the endless grey city at the start of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce." Maybe it was the anonymity of floating so high above. But here it was really lovely to see, taking in miles and miles all around.

P.S.

The main character in Avatar and I share a birthday. I'm about 150 years older than he is.

True story.

Also: the dreaded/cryptic CHECK ENGINE light came on in my car on my way to work this morning. I don't even remember the last time that's happened. Sigh. I'll just have to deal with it when I get back to town next week.

Hello Good-bye

I saw Avatar tonight with a few friends, in 3-D (non-IMAX). I had moderate expectations, and I liked it well enough. I wasn't over-cheesed. It wasn't a mind-blowing spectacle, but I enjoyed the ride. Lots of pretty colors to look at.

I also said good-bye to a friend tonight for the third or fourth time in as many days. The last few days have been a protracted packing up and saying good-bye to Nashville for her as she gets ready to move to Denver. I guess it's been a little less traumatic each time, but it still sucks. I leave for home tomorrow right after work (still need to finish packing myself), so I don't think I will see her until she comes back to visit in April. In the meantime, I have a couple ounces of triple sec in a mini-tupperware to remember her by.

Good-bye. God be with you.

Aimless

A few months ago, I looked at a friend of mine's blogroll and saw that I had been added to the list with the accompanying blurblet, "Hitoshi - Honesty and wisdom." How flattering!

Then a few weeks ago, I looked there again and saw that my blurblet had changed to "Hitoshi - The occasional entry." How true!

It's been over two months since the last post, and this is certainly not a resolution to post more frequently. But I have, amazingly, a wide open Sunday with no obligations for today's church service, and I'm looking forward to just being able to show up. So I'll spend a bit of time here.

The usual re-cap: lots of holiday parties and some great shows, both playing and watching. Day job has been very full and busy. I managed to make it through the entire day after Thanksgiving without getting out of my PJs. I have no idea when the last time that happened was.

Life overall feels stable--I'm not counting on that or anything, but I appreciate it in this season. I head back to MA on Tuesday for a little less than a week at home. A high school friend of mine is getting married in the Boston area the day after Christmas, so that should be a fun time. I'm looking forward to going home, but it's kinda snuck up on me in the crazy busy-ness of the month. A reflective season of Advent this has not been.

What am I doing here in Nashville? Lately, for various reasons and excuses, I've been keeping God at bay. There have been a few stretches of discipline in my devotions, but for the most part it's been a dry season.

I'm not really sure what to make of 2009. It was downright terrible up until the day after Easter. Then it's been the usual everything since then. Lots of ways that I'm content and grateful, lots of ways that I'm not.

What's the point? Keep on doing life and growing in the grace and goodness of God, being sanctified and changed, fighting the long defeat wherever we happen to be? I'm fairly confident that I'm supposed to be in Nashville. But I'm definitely lacking perspective right now on where I've been and what God is doing and where he's leading me. I don't feel like I'm changing.

I think I'm weary, maybe. And I'm not necessarily finding my rest in Jesus, or anywhere, for that matter. I find myself often wishing for a "pause" button so that I can get things done or take a nap. So I'm laboring, and striving, and some of that is good, and some of that is just spinning my wheels.

I do not have my stuff together. That's a given. And there are seasons when I'm pretty ok with that. But now is a time when I'm more unsettled by it. The usual identity issues--girls, music--where I look for validation and meaning in my life. Clearly, that's not working out for me, and I am grateful, honestly, cause I don't want to ever forget that I need need need this good and faithful God over every part of my life. Tiresome as that can sometimes feel.

Lately I think one of my main overarching/underlying struggles is that I live more by fear than by love. Sometimes I see it, and I preach the gospel to myself and remind myself the ways that "perfect love casts out fear." But I stumble on that one a lot, walking in fear instead of love.

My brain is an instant replay machine, with the repeat button stuck. I feel like my strong, incessant memory problem has gotten worse over the course of this year. Harder and harder to just let something happen and move on. Constantly replaying and parsing.

How have I grown in good ways this year? I don't know. Maybe straightforwardness and matter-of-factness in some things. Is the difference between boldness and foolishness just in the outcome?

I'm weary, I think that's it. 2010 feels like it's going to be more of the same. But I do have hope for God's sovereignty over it all.

The Catch-Up

I've been remiss. I'm ok with that. Here's a bit of mostly outdated news.

I've been playing about a show a week since the start of September. That's a decent amount for me. It's been great. Mostly pro bono work, but stuff that I want to be involved with--friends whose company I enjoy and whose art I want to support. Venue shows, outdoor shows, church shows, coffee shop shows, house shows. Cello, upright bass, electric bass. Even led worship at my church a couple weeks ago--while playing electric. That was a fun challenge for me. And leading worship is often one of the ways that I most experience joy in Christ.

The last couple months of shows have clarified my take on music in my life here in Nashville. I want to be involved with stuff I want to be involved with. I want to support my friends in their art-making. If that's the case, then pro bono is fine. Money is an added bonus.

This past Saturday, I played a surprise wedding with a friend. Guests thought they were coming for a nice dressy engagement party. But partway through, the couple announced that they were going to have the wedding right then and there in the house. There was a break to set up the room and change into the wedding dress, then Charlie and I played "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" (from the Garden State soundtrack) for the processional. Less than 10 minutes later: married. And awesome.

Less awesome was finally finding the mouse that had been decomposing in our house for a couple days. My housemate and I searched all over--up in the attic, down in the basement, all over the kitchen. Until finally we pulled the oven from the wall, unscrewed the back panel to open it up, and--

Yeah, it was nice and bloated, stuck up in some wiring. Gross. But, situation resolved.

Less resolved has been some unusual stuff at work. An ethical lapse on the part of a co-worker. We're working through the fallout there, and we're a pretty small department. It's been tricky. But I have a clearer picture now than 24 hours ago of God's capacity to bring redemption out of it. We'll see how it plays out. But that's been hard.

I've been listening to Sara Groves' forthcoming album, Fireflies and Songs. It's mellow. It suits me right now.

I leave on Wednesday for the Christian Community Development Association conference up in Cincinnati. A bunch of folks from my church are going this year, so that's great. The road trip and getting away a bit will be nice, too.

Gang and gun crime hit really close to home a couple weeks ago. A teenager I know whose picture is up on the Nashville Police press release website, charged with attempted homicide. There's more to it, of course. But it's pretty heart-breaking--not just the event itself, but all sorts of circumstances around it and in the aftermath. All the ways that this is almost normal--or at least very much within the realm of understandable reality--for his family. It's gotten me re-engaged with the family, though, which has been good. I hadn't seen them as much lately.

I could say more about how I'm changing and how I'm not changing. Mostly how I'm not changing. But not right now. I probably don't have the perspective, anyway.

Lastly, I leave you with another music video. I played a show on bass for Charlie a couple weeks ago. He is one of the artists on a music subscription service called Brite Revolution--$5 flat monthly fee, for which you get mostly unreleased/exclusive content from their whole roster of artists.

Anyway, Brite had a showcase for the Next Big Nashville 4-day quasi-music festival--tons of shows in a whole lot of venues all over the city. Buy a bracelet, see whatever you want. I learned the night before the gig that I was getting a free bracelet out of it, which was awesome, since I wasn't up for paying $40 for one just on my own. I saw great shows all four nights, including Sarah Siskind and The Civil Wars.

Back to Charlie. He wanted to do a Smashing Pumpkins cover--a song I had never heard before (sorry, my 90's friends)--"Bullet with Butterfly Wings." Here you go:




Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My glasses fell into a fire over the weekend and burned like awesome. So I had to wear my sports glasses for the last couple days. Thankfully my new ones (that I had already ordered before said fire incident) arrived today. Although I was mentally preparing myself for going to CCDA in my rec specs and meeting all sorts of new people and telling them what planet I was from. Or challenging them to a game of racquetball right then and there.

Poison, Wine, & Honey

I will say more about my September soon, I think.

But for now, here's a very recent video of me and my friend Haley playing one of her newest songs together. We'd only rehearsed a couple times in preparation for a house show that we played together just this past Sunday night (our first time doing a show together). I really enjoyed working out parts and ideas and figuring out ways to complement her songs, and I'm proud of my contributions to this one. She's lovely and talented, as you will see.

Control Freak

I don't like not being in control. I don't like not knowing what's going on. I give grace with strings attached, conditions for future change, or else resentment when people fail to meet up to my standards. I am very much unlike God, and yet I still manage to make myself god. How pitiful and pathetic.

I know that the antidote to these particular bits of selfishness is to trust in Jesus. But it's so much easier for me to trust in the things that I can see and touch: money, friends, job, whatever. Even though I know that they will let me down--moreover, that trusting in those finite, fleeting things (not necessarily evil things) will be the death of me. Really.

I think it's because I don't know my Savior. I could expand on that any number of ways, but right now I'll try to rest in the fact that he knows me. Deeply and truly, better than I know myself. He knows me. He loves me. Even when I don't feel it. He is present.

But where is he? It's not that I feel completely untethered from him, but I certainly don't feel deeply connected. Oh, that he would reveal himself to me more and more. That I would be open and obedient to his wooing me. That his mercies would truly be new to me every day. That I would know the depth of his love, the limitlessness of his peace, and the sufficiency of his grace in my every weakness.

Oh, me of little faith! Oh, soul, call upon--and fall upon--your great savior: Jesus Christ!

little gods with little g's

my heart is an idol factory. it takes things--people, possessions, goals, whatever--and elevates them beyond their right worth. elevates them to be little gods in my life. little gods that i must have and control on my own terms, and all the while they control me. i feel disappointment and elation, self-confidence and self-worthlessness, all based on how they're going in my life from moment to moment. they own me, and i don't let them get away easily. cause i'm stubborn stubborn stubborn.

i give my heart away so easily. mostly to people (read: girls). i sometimes wonder if i have an even greater predilection for it than most other guys. replaying interactions to parse the subtle signs. daydreaming imaginary conversations. i see it happening step by step--churning out another idol off the production line.

in every instance, how quickly do i turn away from the false twist i make--even of true and good and right things in life--and turn back to Jesus. my compass. my light. my peace. my shepherd. my savior. the only one who fully knows everything that is good for me. who desires and ordains all this good for me.

JESUS IS THE LOVER THAT I LONG FOR

i know that i can't change me. i can only have confidence in God's ability to change me. to humble my proud heart. to draw me deeper and deeper into love and worship of him. away from the false gods of my own shoddy making. i have no other true hope.

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee
Surely His goodness and mercy shall daily attend thee
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do
If with His love He befriend thee.

29

Today was a pretty emotionally draining day, and not because it was/is my birthday.

I finally got my car back after nearly two weeks in the shop and a lot of minor frustrations along the way. I'm grateful to have it back, and I'm grateful for various things that made it a manageable expense right now. I was able to get by without it in the interim, and that was great, but I realized that one of the reasons I like having a car is the flexibility to respond to needs to serve when they pop up unexpectedly.

Like tonight.

A late semi-crisis that made me heartbroken, then distressed, then angry, all while brainstorming solutions. Thankfully, it's reached a temporary stable point for a couple days, and we'll try to find a more medium- and then long-term solution soon. It wasn't a personal crisis, but it was within the body of Christ that I am a part of, and I felt deep deep grief over it, to the point of tears. This is the body of Christ; this is family. I couldn't possibly go and do what I was planning on doing--treating myself to a late meal and a glass of wine at a nice restaurant--when someone who is my family was in the middle of a life-consuming shit-storm and on the verge of homelessness.

I'm being stupidly vague. Before that there was an earlier non-personal-but-family non-crisis that I was powerless to do anything about, though I was on the phone a bit trying to figure out solutions. Sort of.

More stupid vagueness. I'm feeling emotionally drained, and it's just Monday, and this week is looking to be quite full.

I recently put a finger on the fact that service is one of the ways that I experience joy in Christ.

Jesus loves me.

I'll leave it at that.

Lately

Plenty going on, but not a whole ton to say.

This past week was pretty exhausting with birthday parties, dinner parties, a show (on bass--I haven't done that in a while), and a recording session (on cello) for a worship project that I'm a part of. Plus a full weekend with the East Nashville Tomato Art Festival going on (say what?) and seeing a friend play a show last night and then playing again myself tonight after church with this guy.

I think/hope God is teaching me about: discipline (as in, being disciplined), patience and not pushing my agendas, holding my ground when I need to, my insecurities when it comes to music, all sorts of stuff.

I've got a college friend coming into town this week for a couple days, so I'm looking forward to that visit and taking her around my city. Lots of good shows to catch the rest of this month, too.